PAROCHIAL BARBARITY.

AT Marlborough Street Police Court, the other day' MR. NEWTON, on the application of MR. RICHARD HARRIS' barrister, instructed by MR. COLAM, Secretary of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, granted summonses against MR. CHARLES LOWE, Assistant-Surveyor of Marylebone, and MR. WILLIAM GREEN, foreman of the works, for causing cruelty to horses. The roadway extending from Regent Circus, Oxford Street, to Margaret Street, was stated to have been repaired with granite chips six inches in depth, much larger than usual, and laid down in a rough state, nothing having been done to crush them so as to enable horses to cross them without pain. This was contended to amount, under a section of an Act of Parliament, to the offence of causing horses to be tortured. Humane persons in general, and particularly those who keep valuable horses, will be glad to know that MR. NEWTON, in granting the summonses, said he considered the case a very proper one to be tried. In such cases, which are disgracefully numerous, there are two questions. One of them regards the culpability of the accused, who may or may not have had it in their power to macadamise the parochial granite. Bumbles are parsimonious, and steam-rollers cost money. The other question is whether allowing granite, by neglect, to be laid down in the state above described, is indeed a barbarity equal to the offence of causing the torture of horses. If it is not, then there would be no cruelty in paving carriage roads, as walls are fenced, with broken bottles.

A Sad Discovery.

Ir is a grave accusation to bring against a great writer and a famous poet, but we fear WORDSWORTH must be charged with favouring the horrible practice of Cannibalism, for does he not say that a Woman (a Woman, mark ye!) is

"A creature not too bright or good
For human nature's daily food?"

Can't Be.

WE read that a Burlesque had lately been enacted to amuse the poor Idiots at Earlswood, and that they were delighted. Surely there is some mistake.

Don't wake snakes.

THE following most important details will be read with an eager- are going to send your ness amounting to avidity.

This telegram arrived from the United States:

"GENERAL BUTLER has introduced, and the House of Representatives by 172 votes against 21 has passed a resolution welcoming MR. O'DONOVAN ROSSA and the other recently arrived Fenians in this country."

Snatching his Waverley pen, but in no wavering mood (the wit is SIR WALTER'S), Mr. Punch wrote as follows:

To PRESIDENT GRANT.

To LORD PUNCH.

What we feel for you is real nice, and we
Princess a wedding present. GRANT.

To PRESIDENT GRANT.

To LORD PUNCH.

Snakes be scotch'd. Quite right about H.R.H. But no evasions, old hoss. What dew that Resolution imply? Answer right away, as I hear the dinner-gong, and GRANVILLE dines with me-do you understand? PUNCH. Ain't he riled? Sir. The Resolution is a Faction's bid for the Irish Vote, which, moreover and moreunder, the Faction won't git. Own up, old hoss, and be spry. Is that message about BUTLER Won't you respectfully ask your Monkey to come down? fax? Don't snarl, my yarn. GRANT. To PRESIDENT GRANT. word, and so is stupefaction, in which I must be to regard 172 votes When my Monkey is up he ain't easily down'd. Faction is a good out of 242) which the Statesman's Year Book tells me is the number of your Reps.) as only factious.

PUNCH.

In about five hours a messenger came in, and brought back the above, stating that it had taken him all that time to find the Regent's Park, that he had delivered the document, and that the PRESIDENT OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY had returned it, with his kindest compliments, as he thought that there must be some mistake.

Mr. Punch looked-only once-but it was more than enough-at the dawdling and blundering messenger.

To make a generous settlement on his widow, and to dispatch his successor to the telegraph office, was the work of a moment. This was the reply:

To LORD PUNCH.

My sakes and gracious and deliverance! You don't make no count of that bunkum? Take half a single squinny at it, and you'll see straight. GRANT.

Then came these exchanges :

To LORD PUNCH.

PUNCH.

You Britishers don't understand us, and, please the pigs, you never will. Am I the President of this here free and enlightened Republic, or am I not? And don't I know my own subjectssovereigns, I mean? Sum up that, and pass the bottle to GRANVILLE, with my sentiments of estimation. You'll spile your digestion if you go on wobbling, and you ain't a young person. GRANT.

To PRESIDENT GRANT. ULYSSES, I shall "wobble" as much as I please, and I scorn your allusion to pigs. GRANVILLE drinks with me and thinks with me. Will you rescind that Resolution, or make your Senate pass an opposite one, lamenting that the Fenians were not spiflicated, and I don't know what a squinny means, and I do want to know what promising to take an early opportunity of rectifying that error?

you mean.

To PRESIDENT GRANT.

PUNCH.

PUNCH.

VOL. LX.

HE subject of Education is just now full of interest, grave rather than lively. A smile, however, may be excited by the following specimen of it:TOLICITOR ANY SO

A Solicitor that will Get Me My Property, the valuation is a Good Sum of Money, he would Marry the solicitor's daughter if the solicitor was willing for him to do, the advertiser

is from a Good Birth, Born a Respectable farmer's, son out ove a Good family, he is pleasant-looking rather slender a Genteel appearance, letter to be addressed the name and the Place where the solicitor lives, W, M, &c. &c. &c.

This uncommonly elegant extract is derived from the Staffordshire Advertiser. In an educational point of view it is remarkable as presenting evidence of intelligence developed by cultivation to as high a degree, perhaps, as it is eapable of attaining. One faculty Ain't no option. All your terms are acceded to, and HORACE with which the advertiser may appear to be eminently gifted is that GREELEY has orders to pack his portmanteau. He uses strong lan- of self-appreciation, and there may be solicitors and others who even guage, but we are accustomed to that, and must bear it among our think they would like to acquire him at their valuation, and dispose other afflictions. I venture to express a hope that DER BREITMANN of him at his own. But that, as regards the property which he may will not be molested in any way. To-morrow the Reps will pass a be really entitled to, is truly, perhaps, as he describes it, a "Good resolution regretting that they should have been betrayed into an Sum of Money." The worship of the Golden Calf is an idolatry of unworthy attempt to cajole the least respectable part of our popula-which a respectable Solicitor would be incapable, but he might tion, especially as it ain't no use. MR. THORNTON may walk into nevertheless rejoice in the acquisition of a treasure which might, in Niagara whenever he likes. Alabama receipt shall be mailed. But leave us NILSSON, or we shall have a revolution, which would be very inconvenient at this time of year. She has had a good time with us, and we can't bear to lose her just this very now.

I flatter myself that I am not one of those who extort too much from the vanquished. Signify to the great artist that she may remain as long as she desires to do so. As a voluntary concession, I remit HORACE GREELEY. Assure yourself that DER BREITMANN is held in as much regard here as at home, and that if state exigencies had compelled me to incarcerate him, it should have been in one of the towers of Windsor Castle, and GRANVILLE bids me add that he would have dined with him three times a week. I shall send the Victoria Cross to the minority of 21, and you will alter your Constitution so as to permit their wearing it on Sundays, and Independence Day. For they are truly Braves. Your health, old hoss, and never may the American Eagle, &c.

Therefore, thanks to Mr. Punch's statesmanlike promptitude and masterly adroitness, not only will there be no row in consequence of BUTLER'S vulgar faction-dodge, but all the American difficulties are cleared away, and the national melodies blended, they arise to the welkin in one grand chorus of "Hail Britannia, Columbia rules the waves, Happy Lands of Britons (more or less) who never, never, never will be slaves."

AN advertisement for "A superior young person, required as parlour maid and to wait on lady," stipulates that she must understand," along with dressmaking, what does the experienced reader imagine? Not setting the table, not keeping plate in order, not ushering in callers, not plain sewing, not getting up small things, but-" chignons!"

A SUITABLE motto for this new periodical would no doubt be found in "LAC-TANTIUS."

[We are requested to contradict the statement that the office of this publication is in Pump Court.]

a sense, be so denominated. Any Solicitor, respectable or otherwise, burdened with a portionless daughter, is offered an opportunity of becoming possibly blest with an opulent son-in-law. Solicitors' daughters whose faces are their fortunes, would, doubtless, many of them like to know more about the author of the foregoing advertisement. It would be but natural for them to wish to have some idea of what he is like. Not much is conveyed by his own statement that he might as well have announced that, on application, he would "he is pleasant-looking rather slender a Genteel appearance;" and contrived to write in phonetic spelling. We are sorry that we have send his photograph; a word which he very probably might have not been provided with the means of surmounting this notice with a Portrait of the Gentleman whom it concerns.

A THOROUGH FRENCH GAMECOCK.

FRANCE always will be France, as long as she is led by such men as M. GAMBETTA. The commencement of that Statesman's late proclamation is the truest French possible for such an appeal :"Citizens! The foreigner has inflicted upon France the most cruel injury in this accursed war, in the unmeasured chastisement of the errors and weaknesses of a great nation."

motives and miscalculations which caused the invasion of Germany! "Errors and weaknesses." What admirable euphemisms for the M. GAMBETTA proceeds :

"Paris the impregnable, forced and vanquished by famine, could no longer hold in check the German hordes. On the 28th January she succumbed. The city remains still intact, as a last homage which has been wrested by the power ower of moral grandeur from the barbarians."

These noble words make us feel ashamed of ourselves. We had no notion that Paris was a city of any moral grandeur. On the contrary, we always supposed its grandeur to be chiefly of an opposite description. Again, we imagined that the soldiers of Germany had conquered the French armies mainly by their superiority as to the strategy and science of their commanders, and also as well by their greater individual instruction and intelligence. But now we learn that the conquerors of M. GAMBETTA'S countrymen are "German hordes," and "barbarians." The language of the Grand Nation, as employed by M. GAMBETTA is as lofty as that of the Celestial Empire. A German Mandarin would denominate the Germans and all the civilised world besides by the letter "I." This may be regarded as a peculiar species of national egotism; but in that way M. GAMBETTA's above-quoted address is the most magnificent thing perhaps which has ever appeared out of China.

I would I were a humming-bird,
How prettily I'd sing!

And let my little voice be heard,
And joy to thousands bring,

By warning them that WIGGINS keeps
Of Valentines the biggest heaps.

INHUMAN TRAFFIC.

addition to the staff of the circulation branch of the Post-Office. The authori"THE POST-OFFICE.-The new halfpenny post has necessitated a large ties accordingly advertise for 130 boy sorters. They are to be delivered at St. Martin's-le-Grand without delay, and are to measure not less than 4 feet 10 inches each."

As some people are lazy, even when in love, there is little doubt that post-cards will in future be used largely in the service of Saint Valentine. Few lovers now will undertake to give themselves the trouble to indite a sonnet to their mistress's eyebrow, or indulge in any other sentimental form of poesy. The most that young men do in this prosaic age is to walk into a shop where Valentines are sold, and purchase something stupid and exceedingly expensive, which they send off by the post to the young lady they are "nuts on," as their horrible slang goes. The post-card will, however, afford an easy way of sending Valentines about, being specially adapted for anonymous effusions; and, possibly, young men may take advantage of the fact, and may be tempted to devote a score of hours or so of leisure to the concoction of, say, half-a-dozen rhyming nonsense verses. To fit the limited dimensions of the postal cards, couplets and quatrains may possibly be hammered out, after an unwontedly to propose, with the eyes of all the sorters and stampers upon them, protracted spell of head-work; and young ladies will be startled out of their serene and passionless composure by receiving an attempt at original rhyme-writing, in lieu of the stale poetry which is sent them by the acre, as soon as the sweet season of Saint Valentine

returns.

Puffing tradesmen, doubtless, with their usual ingenuity will imitate these post-cards, for neither lovers' feelings nor even lovers' letter-boxes are safe from such insidious and merciless attacks. Couplets setting forth the merits of MUGGINS's cheap crockery, or BUGGINS'S jet-blacking, will be scattered through the world in the shape of post-card Valentines; and we can readily conceive the mingled wrath and indignation of a sentimental person at receiving, in the lieu of a sentimental quatrain, a scrap of prosy poesy in the manner of the following, haply headed with the picture of a true lover's knot, or a heart with one of Cupid's arrows stuck clean through it, still further to keep up the terrible deception :

I.

The rose is red, the violet blue,
The grass is green, and so are you-
If, when your Valentine you wed,
You do not go to BROWN for bread.

II.

Fair maid, were I thy Valentine,
I'd toast thee in the choicest wine:
Such the champagne at FIZZER's shop,
'Twill make shy men the question pop.

III.

Sweet Valentine, pray name the happy day,
And we forthwith to GIMCRACK will away:
GIMCRACK, amid a thousand useful things,
Supplies the best and cheapest wedding-rings.

IV.

Saint Valentine, thy votary bless!
Aid all fond lovers in distress:

Bid them, if they would fain look smart,
To buy their clothes at AARON's mart.

V.

Say, wilt thou be my Valentine?
Then, sweet, at SKINNER'S we will dine.
For what is love without good dinners?

The choicest" spreads" are had at SKINNER'S.

We cannot, we will not, believe for an instant, or any shorter period of time, that the Post-Office authorities have in a public advertisement, paid for out of the taxes levied on a toiling people, so outraged the tenderest feelings of our common humanity as to dare that one hundred and thirty boys should be "delivered" (ours are the mute but indignant italics) at St. Martin's-le-Grand, in the very heart and centre of this great, prosperous, wealthy, dirty City of London. "Delivered"! as though they were bags of letters or sacks of newspapers, instead of intelligent, able-bodied, hungry youths, each at least four feet ten inches in height, sons it may be of citizens, grandsons, perchance, of freemen, of liverymen! Is slavery about to be introduced into this happy country, at the request of the Postmaster-General? Is serfdom on the point of becoming one of our cherished institutions, with the concurrence of the Lords of the Treasury? Not even in the worst and darkest times before the days of WILBERFORCE and CLARKSON, not even in Jamaica or New Orleans, could a more callous and heartless proposal have been issued to shock the public breast, and arouse feelings of horror and indignation in the minds of all right-thinking ratepayers.

Is this our boasted civilisation and progress? We wait impatiently (at home from ten to four) for a reply, and shall not use another halfpenny card until we have received it.

FRIGHTFUL DISSIPATION.

AN Antipodean, a new Zealand "Grand Lottery," with its alluring announcement of "All prizes and no blanks," has an inviting sound; but an examination of the terms of the speculation leaves in the mind a suspicion of its desirability as an eligible investment for their unemployed capital on the part of those who may have been tempted to the drawing in "the Goodfellows' Hall, Waipawa."

The tickets were ten shillings each. The prizes were forty in number. Of these, three were "A fat bullock, valued at £10;" "horse (broken to carry a lady), saddle and bridle ;" and "a silver hunting-watch and guard."

Of the other thirty-seven prizes, nine were "two glasses of brandy hot and cigar," nine more "two glasses of whisky hot," nine more "two glasses of rum hot and cigar," and the remaining ten "one glass of old English ale."

The prevalence of malt and spirituous liquors may, possibly, be accounted for by the fact that the tickets for this great venture were to be had "at the bar of the Empire Hotel," but we should like to know why no cigar was allowed with the whiskey.

TO THE CARELESS.-Be cautious how you let fall a remark. It may hurt somebody seriously.

"WHY, JARVIS, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE CHRISTMAS? YOU SEE WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO WITHOUT YOU." "WELL, MISS, TO TELL THE TRUTH, I WAS TOOK VERY HIN-DIFFERENT, AN' 'AD TO GO TO THE AWSPITAL, WHERE I'VE BIN EVER SINCE?" "AND WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"

"WELL, MISS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY CALL IT; BUT THE YOUNG MEDICAL GENTLEMAN AS LOOKED AFTER ME, HE SAYS:'WHAT YOU'VE GOT IN YOUR 'ED,' HE SAYS, "'IM AS LIES IN THE NEXT BED TO YOU, HE'VE GOT IN 'IS HINSIDE.'"