"We will go in first," I say; and add, "I'll go up to my room." "Very well," she returns, "I'll wait: down here". that is, on the promenade before the door. I wish it were not rude or brutal to say, "MISS STRAITHMERE, you waste your time with me. Go to the Frenchman. I want to be alone." Would she cry, or faint, or what? Flash.-Is there a back-door? Can't I perform the swindler's Burlington Arcade trick of being set down at the Piccadilly end, and then bolting out at the other? No. There is no back-door, I recollect. I resign myself. Determination.-I leave this to-morrow. Decidedly. Sorry not to be able to try more yachting. But this sort of thing on shore would worry me to death. To pine mentally, and grow stout physically, would be the worst state of existence possible (to me) to conceive. I say, "Very well, then," cheerfully. "I won't go in. We'll ice." More Thoughts as we Walk.-Let me abstract myself. (I will to-morrow, bodily.) Abstract myself as I used to when my Aunt was playing and singing, and I wanted to read. I must take to my work again. I've done nothing for my Analytical History of Motion for weeks. Good idea that of Americans making substantives do the duty of verbs. So expressive. What a pretty girl she was I wish she'd said that she "felt like soup." I should then, and we might have souped together. ... "You don't speak to me," observes my companion, using as much of the eye-mitrailleuse as she can manage under the circumstances. "Why?" but the No... I could have begun talking... "Why" prevents me. I shrug my shoulders. I tell her that one cannot really be always talking, and that one ought to think, and think deeply, sometimes. She looks inquiringly at me for an instant, and then says, "Why?" I swear I could dance with vexation. If it wouldn't have an absurd effect, and be utterly out of keeping with the gravity of the occasion, I would dance, and relieve my feelings. I "feel like dancing." I "feel like stamps." I remonstrate with myself. This is childish. There is only one way of repressing this enfantillage, by overweighting it with the (as it were) Johnsonian. We enter the Confectioner's; I am preparing a weighty and severe speech for her. All for her benefit. The Ices. I shall now address her seriously. EXTRAORDINARY HEATS. A GREAT Swimming Exhibition, consisting of races, was given by PROFESSOR BECKWITH, the other night, at the Lambeth Baths, in the Westminster Road. In a report of this aquatic display of athletic sports the various contests are described as "heats." Even in the exertion of competing for a prize, however valuable, it seems hardly possible that any one should heat himself in swimming, especially during such cold weather as has lately prevailed; and, though the baths in which PROFESSOR BECKWITH's entertainment took place may have had the chill taken off, it can hardly be supposed that the contending swimmers swam their matches in hot water. The only heats which can well be imagined ever to have been swum are those suggested in the celebrated poem in which, from the illumination of the ocean depths by the perpendicular height of the sun, the fishes are described as experiencing incipient perspiration, and anticipating an unpleasantly high temperature. Platitude and Longitude. SPEECH on Education to Social Science throng, Four columns in the Times, and a quarter, long! One hour and twenty minutes did the word-spout pour, What did anybody learn he didn't know before? A Wise Precaution. JERRIBLE JERRIBLE has a large family, limited means, and a good many swell relations with foolish prejudices. So when he takes his wife and the six youngest children to Margate, he softens it to his kinsfolk by saying that he is going to the Isle of Thanet. THE NEW HATS. (A SKETCH AT THE SEA-SIDE. BEAUTY AND THE BHAIST. THE Dublin Correspondent of the Post relates an interesting anecdote concerning a Bear. This Bear belonged to an officer in the 84th Regiment, and was called Ben. In company with a Bearess, by name Mary, Ben was kept chained in the stables of the Queen's Hotel, Queenstown. Thence "On Sunday Ben managed to effect his freedom, and passing through the hotel unnoticed, gained the street, when, espying a young lady, he gave chase, and coming up with her against the office of MESSRS. E. N. HARVEY, assumed an erect position, and encircled her waist with his unwieldy paws. After suffering one or two unpleasant forcible caresses, the terrified young lady was rescued by the crowd that soon collected, having happily sustained no hurt beyond a great fright." Although the behaviour, as above described, in which Ben indulged towards a young lady was of a somewhat bearish nature, it was better, on the whole, than might have been expected of a bear. Most bears would probably regard a young lady with a simply carnivorous feeling. Either Ben is a very exceptional bear, or the young lady whom he terrified with his caresses must be an uncommonly captivating young lady, one of a thousand among even Irish young ladies; for only the most extraordinary beauty could have impressed a bear. It appears that your Bear, in susceptibility of influence from the fairer part of humanity, differs from your Lion : "'Tis said that the Lion will turn and flee From the maid in the pride of her purity." -although "there is not a more fearful wildfowl than your Lion, living." The Bear, however, gives chase to a maiden, and when he catches her generally perhaps eats her; but what Ben did was to devour her only with caresses, which was rude of him, but not savage. When Ben was taken back to his Mary, of course he said nothing to her about his adventure with the young lady whom he met in the street, which might have aroused her jealousy, and provoked her to growl, "Go along with you!"-perhaps adding, "You are no longer Il mio Ben!" THE MARVEL OF MONT CENIS.-Whatever the POPE may call the "SubAlpine Kingdom," he cannot think the Sub-Alpine Tunnel a bore. It will unite the Gallicans with the Ultramontanes. THE STAPLE OF THE SOCIAL SCIENCE CONGRESS.-Yarns. ALL THE FAMILY HAVE COLDS, EXCEPT THE UNDER-NURSE, WHO HAS A FACE-ACHE. POOR MATERFAMILIAS, WHO ORIGINATED THE TRIP, IS IN DESPAIR AT ALL THE MONEY SPENT FOR NOTHING, AND GIVES WAY TO TEARS. PATERFAMILIAS ENDEAVOURS TO CONSOLE HER WITH THE REFLECTION THAT "HE KNEW HOW IT WOULD BE, BUT THAT, AFTER ALL, ST. JOHN'S WOOD, WHERE THEY LIVE, IS SUCH A HEALTHY PLACE THAT, WITH CARE AND DOCTORING, THEY WILL SOON BE NEARLY AS WELL AS IF THEY HAD NEVER LEFT IT!" [Two gay Bachelors may be seen contemplating Paterfamilias and his little group. Their interest is totally untinged with envy. A STRIKE AGAINST STRIKERS. Yah, you that leads sitch easy lives! Don't talk a pack o' stuff to me. Goes off abroad, or quits your trade, What's workin' rather more or less THE SUBJECT OF THE HOUR.-The Strike! ASTOUNDING INTELLIGENCE. ARE such things facts as these thus telegraphed ? "Bologna, October 1. "The International Prehistoric Congress assembled here to-day. Many Italian and foreign savants were present." Or have men eaten of the insane root that takes the reason prisoner? One can hardly imagine what else than derangement could have driven people to send us such a message as the above. The attempt to realise the idea of a Prehistoric Congress meeting to-day causes vertigo. Everybody has hitherto regarded Prehistoric Man, if aught more than a hypothesis, as represented only by the Neanderthal Skull, and a few other bones. Are the men of the Prehistoric Congress Prehistoric Men? If so, whence come they? From the Drift, where their flints are, and where possibly will one day be found their copper caps, and the remains of their cartridges? But it is idle to pursue conjecture about a subject on which our minds are involved in inextricable confusion. A Little Omission. MATERFAMILIAS was rather taken aback the other day at receiving a bill for a "pair of infants."" The account had been made out with an excess of conciseness: the addition of one word-"gloves"would have prevented all misapprehension. TO BILLIARD-PLAYERS. Do not be in a hurry to order a book which you will see advertised as Cues from all Quarters-at least, read first the second title, Or, Literary Musings of a Clerical Recluse. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-OCTOBER 14, 1871. 66 SAUCE FOR THE GANDER." "I SAY, JOE, DEAR, IF YOU CAN'T ENJOY YOUR SUPPER NOW YOU HAVE LOST YOUR GRUMBLE ABOUT NINE HOURS- -GRUMBLE FOR ME, AS I'VE DONE FOURTEEN, AND AIN'T FINISHED YET." 66 May I?" she inquired, faintly. If it Certainly. It will not hurt you. It is simply Allsopina. was Bass I should say something about Basso profondo.' Saying this he turned to one of his buckets, then to a large ledger, and made a formal entry under the letter B. The book was labelled" Good things to say." He then referred to a quarto index, which was standing, open, on a gothic brazen eagle near the writing-table. In this he made a private mark, for reference, also under lêtter B; and this being done, he turned to attend to his visitor. Then she told him all. MR. JUFF appeared to be thinking intently. The result was soon apparent. "How are you?" he inquired. She glanced at her maid. MR. JUFF was on the alert in an instant, and, springing from his chair, placed himself, at one bound, between them. "Now then," he cried, "No larks: I want the truth." Then he repeated, "How are you?" LADY BUSSIT paused. Reflecting, however, that she could gain nothing by concealment. she replied, "Pretty well. thank you; how are you?" MR. JUFF thus challenged, begged a moment's delay. Then he put his hands into his pockets and drew forth a pair of shining bones. On these he performed several sonatas. After he had finished, this strange romantic creature danced a saraband, and then pushing forward from a corner a small rostrum made of cedar wood inlaid with gold and ivory, he mounted it, and addressed them. "LADY BUSSIT and Maid, your husband is locked up in the Zoological Gardens. From what I have heard, I gather that loss of hair has affected his brain. He has become light-headed. ROBERT BUSSIT thinks this an opportunity for confining his cousin, and putting him under lock and key." He reflected for an instant, and then descending, rushed to his folio labelled " Jokes," wherein he made a note under the letter H, "Hair Locks.. double meaning." Then he wrote a reference in his Index. After this he resumed his position. opened, and therefrom arose an elegantly-served table, bearing upon its marble top, gooseberries stuffed with cream, and iced flounders. He made both mistress and maid drink a bottle of РOMMERY & GRÉNO's driest champagne each. Then he wrote the receipt to be given to SIR CHARLES. Then he wished them good day. After this he measured three paces, carefully, backwards. Then running six forward, he stretched out his hands, and with a tremendous impetus, jumped through a small square window in the wall, about six feet from the floor. On his disappearance the window was immediately covered with a large flap on which was printed NOT AT HOME. Taking the hint, they withdrew. AS LADY BUSSIT passed into the street she heard behind her a tremendous bang, and then a roar which startled her. It was MR. JUFF letting off a pun and laughing at it himself, for he was hard at work on a pantomime for Christmas, and their visit had disturbed him. Now he was returning to his toil. I HAVE been greatly pained by reading, in a monthly magazine, what I cannot but think is a most unjust slur on the memory of one of our fine Old English worthies, a man whom we have all been taught from boyhood to hold in the highest respect. The injurious reflection occurs in an article which includes some "Tourist Notes in the Midlands," and is thus worded: "Near here was Beresford Hall, where CHARLES COTTON used to receive "This misfortune has re-acted upon you. I have eyes and see it. The question simply is Do you want luxuriant hair, whiskers, and moustachios? Don't be alarmed. You shan't be like JULIA PASTRANA, a very amiable young lady with whom I have the pleasure to be acquainted." Here he kissed the tips of his fingers, and then continued. "No; you shall not even be compelled to dye." IZAAK WALTON when he was tolerably safe from the duns."" Here he dashed down again, and made another couple of entries IZAAK WALTON in danger from duns! IZAAK WALTON not daring under the letter "D-Die-Dye"-for future use, while LADY to face his tailor, his wine-merchant, his livery-stable keeper, his BUSSIT watched him with anxious interest. Gradually she came to fishing-tackle maker! The "Complete Angler" obliged to hook respect his manliness, his courtesy, and to admire and understand it!" I should not have been surprised if this had been said of his Brilliant Genius. He went on," We will bide our time. In a COTTON, but I cannot, will not, believe that extravagance was in week you will be ready to act. So will SIR CHARLES, to whom you WALTON's line. Can you remember, Mr. Punch, to have read in shall convey a receipt with which I will furnish you." any account of that good man's life that he was ever in pecuniary difficulties, requiring temporary advances from his friends or the indulgence of his creditors? If there is a suspicion that he was unable to keep himself afloat, the world ought at once to be told on what authority it rests. "How great! how clever you are!" "I am. But, as the French say, cela va sans dire. Let us fix our attention on the one point. Leave all to me. When you feel that the moment has come, merely drop me a line, saying Hair you ready! If so, go a-head.' I shall then act. By the way, what is the name of the man who feeds the bears at three o'clock?" LADY BUSSIT thought for an instant. Then she replied, "SMITH." MR. JUFF turned to his Index, and under the letter "S" found the name required. "Good," he said, "he comes of an old French family. Now listen to me. I know how to deal with SMITH. SMITH is a snob. Go to the Zoological in State. Outriders, trumpets, flags, you un derstand." "I do. I've got them all." JUFF bounded into the air with a loud cry, "Eureka! Hooray! Bravo! My! Here we are again! How are you to-morrow! See what I've found!" he shouted, like an elephant in an ecstasy. LADY BUSSIT clasped her hands with joy. Electric fire coursed through her veins. She caught his enthusiasm. So did MOLLY. With a wild triumphant roar they all three sprang from their seats, and joining hands, bounded about the room. Guns went off in the ante-room, and jubilant music on hidden organs pealed forth a victorious chorus. Then they cooled down, and MR. JUFF stamping his foot, the floor One feels that if IZAAK WALTON, after all these years, turns out to be a loose fish, no reputation, however immaculate, is secure. At any moment we may be liable to the shock of reading that the Venerable BEDE mixed his whiskey-and-water rather too stiff before going to his cell, or that the judicious HOOKER devoted more of his time to billiard-playing than was consistent with graver duties; and the belief of generations in the prudence and decorum of SIR ISAAC NEWTON's private conduct will be rudely shaken, if it can be proved that he was inordinately fond of cock-fighting. I had fancied it was the tendency of modern research to soften the reproach attaching to many eminent characters (NERO, RICHARD THE THIRD, the BORGIAS, HENRY THE EIGHTH, JUDGE JEFFREYS, &c.), but this indictment against the respectability of "I. W." makes me fear a reaction is setting in, and that I must be prepared to see many of my most valued historical friends shown up as very indifferent characters. PISCATOR MŒERENS. SIGN OF THE AUTUMN SEASON.-The Statesman and Stump. |