carts. Children on donkeys. Peasants from the plough. All The church-bells rang; everybody cheered; and seventy-five A roar of cheers burst from the crowd at that inspired action of a woman whose face and eyes seemed to be on fire. LADY BUSSIT turned pale, but a skilful movement of her head avoided the second boot. Then they all stood up and shouted. It was open house that night to everyone. Paupers from the workhouse came into Tuppennie Bussit Hall, and slept wherever they liked, only requesting to have their shoes well polished and bright early, and a cup of chocolate half an hour before they got up in the morning. Farmers played the piano, and their elders danced in the drawingroom. Others spent the night in the wine-cellars. No man or woman was denied. Oxen were roasted whole in every room in the house, kegs were broached, and ale, cider, port, sherry, and champagne flowed down the stairs in rich, frothy streams. It was open house that night to all as it had been four hundred years ago. SORAPS FOR SUB-EDITORS. was felt on Friday last on the farm of MR. BLUBBERLEY, the eminent prize-pig breeder, near Waddleton, in Hampshire. It was first perceived by his stockman, JOEL CRUSHER, who, upon investigation, discovered that the shock proceeded from a pigstye, where he had just deposited the usual mid-day meal. The poor animal, whose falling had caused the earth to vibrate, had, by a super-porcine effort, struggled to its feet, to enjoy its usual sustenance, but its legs proving unequal to sustain the fat imposed on them, it fell, and shook the neighbourhood by its tremendous weight. To be sprinkled in the Newspapers during the Dull Season. METEOROLOGICAL PHENOMENON.-An amazing shower of monkeys was observed last week in Monmouth. The country for miles round was rendered literally alive with these amusing animals, and on some farms it was estimated that they clustered round the chimneypots to the thickness of five feet. Being of the long-tailed species, it was calculated that their tails alone, if all placed end to end, would have reached in a straight line from Paddington to Penzance. TERRIBLE, IF TRUE.-An appallingly sad tragedy is said to have occurred in the vicinity of Chongerigong, in Central Africa. It appears that an extensive crocodile battue had been got up for the pleasure of PRINCE POONOWANKIFUM, the nearest living relative of his late lamented Majesty the KING OF THE CANNIBAL ISLANDS. Towards the close of the day's sport, a small beater was missing, and, as not the slightest atom has been found of his remains, it is conjectured that an egg, which he was seen to swallow whole at dinner, must have suddenly been hatched by the extreme heat of the climate, and, as it probably contained the offspring of a crocodile, it is presumed the new-born reptile, ere emerging from his stomach, ate the poor young nigger up. CURIOSITIES OF THE CENSUS.-Near the little village of Toffyton, in Cumberland, there are resident three maiden ladies whose united ages, as confessed in the last census, do not amount to more than ninety-seven years. To persons fond of studying the question of longevity, it might be curious to compare the information thus afforded with the statistics to be found in three preceding census papers, which have been decennially furnished by the Government, and which there is abundant local evidence to prove that these same three ladies actually filled up. LATEST FROM AMERICA.-A remarkable occurrence is related to have happened at the town of Applesquashville, in the State of Massachusetts. It appears that a young lady, MISS ARAMINTA CLAM, who is at present under-scullerymaid to AFRICANUS BONES, ESQUIRE, was engaged in splitting coke, to cook the evening meal, when from the heart of a large lump there suddenly leaped forth, in perfect health and spirits, a creature which MISS CLAM, who is an eminent geologist, pronounced at once to be a fossil pterodactyl, of pre-Adamite descent. What makes the fact more curious, says the Squashville Tomahawk Thrower, from which we cite the story, is that the creature must assuredly have lain embosomed in the coal throughout the heating process of converting it to coke. Yet such is the vitality of this tremendous reptile, that it has survived a temperature of near 500° Fahrenheit, and is now in perfect liveliness and health. MISS CLAM is a believer in the Darwinian theory of descent, and, conceiving that her Saurian may possibly be one of her primeval ancestors, she lavishes profusely her pin-money upon it, providing daily for its sustenance six score of Ostend oysters, which her interesting protégé appears to relish hugely, being happily unconscious of the formidable fact that they cost his loving mistress over two dollars a score. 18 UNMANLY DEMONSTRATION. CCASIONALLY in Courts of Justice, during trials, it happens that ladies, by dírection of the presiding Judge, are now and then requested to withdraw. Heretofore they have always submissively obeyed. But there are some truly strong minded women, champions of women's rights, who when invited to go, may be expected to insist on remaining, and may have, if they legally can be, to be removed by an officer, with the exertion of physical and brute force. Honour-such as they deserve-to some such ladies among those who attended the Social Congress at Leeds, and were present at a discussion of a sanitary and medical question, when, according to telegram: "During the proceedings a gentleman drew the attention of the Chairman to the fact that a number of ladies were present. The Chairman said it was the ladies would not go, he should, and amidst laughter and shrill hisses he intended that ladies should be there. The gentleman thereupon said that, as retired." As hisses are sounds hardly capable of pitch, the utterances of disapprobation and contempt denominated "shrill" were probably articulate feminine outcries. But at any rate they expressed feelings in which every man, entertaining a proper respect for the superior and more refined sex, must sympathise. To the pure, we know, all things are pure, and the wretch in masculine form who was capable of affecting an ostentation of comparative delicacy which constituted a positive satire, deserved to retire from the presence of ladies and gentlemen, especially ladies, amidst hisses and shrieks of "Yah!" and "Fie!"' Admiralty Rolling Stock. SINGULAR VORACITY OF A SHRIMP.-The neighbourhood of the Aquarium in the Crystal Palace was lately thrown into a state of considerable excitement by the rumour that a shrimp had been discovered in the act of devouring a large craw-fish. Assistance SOME of our Ironclads, especially the Lord Warden, are said to being near at hand, the larger crustacean was fortunately rescued have rolled exceedingly during the late cruise of the combined from its impending fate; though not until its tiny but victorious squadrons. MR. GÖSCHEN, the other day, said that the British antagonist had contrived somehow to swallow half of its gigantic Navy was meant to be used; but men-of-war that roll worse than rival. From what has since transpired, it is currently believed that porpoises will, for fighting purposes, be of no use in a heavy sea. It jealousy, not hunger, was the actual prompting cause of this unfor- is a pity they cannot be utilised on land, in the high roads, where sharp flints and bits of granite, injuring horses' feet and damaging carriages, cry out to be crushed with steam-rollers. tunate event. EARTHQUAKE EXTRAORDINARY.-A slight shock of an earthquake Dissipated Tradesman (to the Expostulations of the Minister). "YE 'RE AYE CRACKIN' AT ME ABOUT MY DRINKIN', SIR, BUT YOU DON'T CONSIDER MY DROOTH!!" WORDS AND WISDOM OF PARLIAMENT. "How is the work of the nation done ?" A writer in Macmillan, discussing this question, points out how the work of the nation is not done; through, for one thing, "the superabundant loquacity of Hon. Members." By "Hon. Members" he means "Hon. Gentlemen." He does not mean Noble Lords. It is the House of Commons that is known by its much speaking. Another place is known by its conciseness. Much speaking is partly natural to many Hon. Gentlemen. It is forced on others by the necessity of satisfying constituents who esteem it a mark of wisdom, and would, if their representatives did not practise it, think, not without reason, themselves not represented. Thank goodness, it is sometimes said, we have a House of Lords. There is like reason to be thankful for the superabundant loquacity of Hon. Members of the House of Commons. The utility of the House of Lords eminently consists in delaying legislation which, if hasty, would be unjust or injurious. In this respect the superabundant loquacity of the House of Commons has the same use. Thus the much speaking of the House of Commons operates as the wisdom of the House of Lords. We should, however, perhaps jump to the conclusions which have been arrived at by some advanced Reformers were we to determine that the loquacity of the elected could advantageously supersede the counsel of the independent House of Parliament. GREGARIOUS CHATTER. ROOKS, cresting forest trees with black. They join, as rooks and jackdaws do. Which urges them to utter sounds. Thence, once a year, at Nature's call, The flood of jaw o'erleaps all bounds. In common noisiness unite Sage and Divine, and likewise Bird. Inspired with just the same delight In hearing and in being heard. Like noises issue from their throats, For meaning; cries as good as words: But ears acute to Music's notes Prefer the chorus of the Birds. Proved. PYTHAGORAS taught the metempsychosis. He was right. Could he visit France, he would strongly feel this. For never was there such a passing of one thing into another as in the case of his own name, there. The Gauls transmute the stately and sonorous PYTHAGORAS into the plebeian and snobbish PETER GORE! M. Pouyer Quertier. MRS. MALAPROP thinks that the French Chancellor of the Exchequer has a most capital name for a tax-collector. The excellent old lady calls him Mounseer Pay Yer Quarter. MY HEALTH. only means that I am not ragingly furious. sure you're angry with me. Why?" Why? Why! Why!!!! Y dear MISS STRAITH MERE," I commence, All the Loppiness gone off. Excitement of probable legal career and proposed sudden departure has done me good. Last Post.-Letter from BUDD. He says: 66 I met your Aunt. She explained to me that your Cousin, I think, she said, had bought some harness for a basket-chaise for her when he was in the Mediterranean, and that this has somehow been partly detained at Florence, and partly at Paris, from which place, it seems (or from Milan), it was originally stolen. Hence, there are several claimants. The French Government, besides having committed the enormity of purchasing a whole heap of something of the sort, says that this is part of it. That's one claim. The EMPEROR OF RUSSIA is somehow mixed up in it on account of the Imperial Arms the heaviest three syl-being on the breast-plates. But it had been twice sold in England lables, and crush her, like Tarpeia, under previously, and, I believe, pawned in Florence, though the man who did this has been traced to Norway. I don't quite understand it. the golden words of Wisdom. She takes But your Aunt said she'd paid for you, years ago, to be a barrister, and she didn't see why you shouldn't undertake the work. The advantage of it, and Solicitor says it'll be worth ten guineas a day and all expenses says, "O, you're angry with me... with paid, with refreshers of fifty. It entails going to Paris and Florence, poor little me!" Poor and all sorts of places, examining the Frenchies and the t'others. little me!-she really So get up your parleyvoo,' and go in for ten guineas a day, and is half a head taller, send it to me to keep for you. -a whole head, taking in the appen 66 "P.S. You'll have to start to-morrow if the Solicitor decides upon dage, than I am. It giving you the brief; and, from what your Aunt says, I'm almost sure he will. You see it doesn't depend solely upon her, as she is only one of five claimants in England alone. Your Cousin seems to have made a nice mess of it. SAMUEL from the Baths, sends his love, and photograph. Adoo! does irritate me. I The Confectioner's. I change the subject. I say gaily, quoting our American friend, "Now let's feel like ice.". Then I artfully lead up to the idea which struck me a short time since. I say, "You've made a conquest of the French Count." 66 "Why?" A pause. Please, tell me, why? Won't you?" I attempt a parable, as a mode of explanation new to me, and not altogether unpoetical. I say, "You know how the snake charms the bird." "No," she replies ingenuously. "Why does it?" "PP.S. I was just sealing this up when your Aunt's maid came in. You are to wait a day." It is arranged that I stop to-morrow. LADY WETHERBY says, cheerfully, that she 's made out a little plan for our to-morrow. Decidedly tired, but comparatively well. Hope it will last. If this How shall I manage if I have to go abroad and examine witnesses in France, Spain, and Italy; i.e. in French, Spanish, and Italian? Suppose I shall travel with an Interpreter. Good thing for My Health. Must get up the Law on Harness. After all, yachting is a lazy life, and tends to stoutness. I should only be unhealthy, and, perhaps, unwieldy, if I continued yachting. . . . To bed. I can't descend from parable into mere natural history. I like a Morning.-ROBERT arranges my things for my getting up. That person to seize on a simile at once, and to see what you mean, if is, he turns everything inside out. Can't understand why. anything, rather better than you do yourself. Enter the ices.. She["Why" reminds me of MISS STRAITHMERE. "If she wasn't so persists, "Why do you call me a snake." I beg her pardon, I didn't. Enter ROBERT, hurriedly. "LADY WETHERBY thought it might be important, Sir," he says, and hands me a telegram. I open it-from DODDRIDGE. For DODDRIDGE to telegraph means something serious. "Your Aunt wishes to see you. Some law business.. MR. BUDD has promised to write." Law business? "I didn't know you were a barrister!" observes MISS STRAITHMERE. "No?" I reply carelessly, as much as to intimate that that is her fault. 66 You are glad to go ?" says MISS STRAITHMERE, looking up from her ice, and then looking down again immediately. Then she adds, "Why are you glad to go?" [Real Answer. Because you go on saying, "why?"] Sham Answer, for external application." No, I'm sorry to leave Torquay; I'm only glad because Law business means actual work to do-perhaps; and though My Health wouldn't stand being cooped up in Courts for long, yet an occasional case with a brief marked with a fifty, or a hundred, guineas,, would be," (I put it pleasantly,) "a very nice thing," We rise, and return quickly to Firkin Terrace. Dress for Dinner-Thoughts while Dressing.-Perhaps a real chance at the Bar. After all, the question is whether hard work at the Bar wouldn't be better for My Health, with an occasional holiday, than any other course. "May it please your Lordship, Gentlemen of the Jury," I commence while washing my hands, and somehow having no case to continue upon, I seem to quote as following naturally, the Scripture moveth us in sundry places" when it suddenly occurs to me that this is not what I meant. Idea suggested by the lapsus lingua, though.-Why not be a clergyman? There's health! Beautiful country. Happy Pastor with his simple flock. Goes about patting children's heads, and smiling on everybody. Everybody smiling in return, and touching hats, and curtseying. General serenity. Sits in his chair in the garden on a summer's evening, his wife (the beloved and good angel of the village) beside him. . . . Why not a young American wife ?... or why not... Dinner. ... (here I pull on my boots). ., "I think I might". (braces) 'but she is really so (buttoning collar, head well up).. What a lot of foree it requires to button a collar. Painful too. Agonising expression; spasmodic twist of the mouth. The Tortures of Dressing,-I know a man who, so to speak, is spikes and mechanism all over. Buckles with sharp points to his waistcoat and trousers. Buckles with sharper points on his shoes. His tie an ingenious mechanical contrivance made of silk, iron, and a strong hand pulley. When hoisted, as it were, it forms a sailor's knot. His studs cut his fingers and his shirt front, and make him positively dance with pain when dressing in a hurry for dinner. The great invention of the age would be a buttonless costume entire. Flash.-Remember a weird German story called The Shadowless Man. Adapt and adopt title, The Buttonless Man. Down to Breakfast.-Fine day. WETHERBY says, capital day for Trawling. I do not reply. "Silence," as some advertisements say, to be considered a respectful negative." No one takes to the notion of trawling. The Retainers are sent for as usual. BUNTER is told to be in readiness with the Launch. Has said, "Yes, Sir,' and disappeared. The Boy in Tops has been ordered to bring round the ponies immediately. ROBERT has been ordered, in a general way, to be ready for anything that may happen. RANGER, the butler, has been sent to get everything that WETHERBY may have forgotten. The Captain is under command to be within hail at a moment's notice, and if we don't go out by twelve, he is to spend the rest of his day in superintending somebody who has to do something, with putty, to the deck. JIM is told off to assist in packing some boxes, and bringing 'em down-stairs; and little CRIPP is sent to fetch a fly with a good horse, and BILL and HARRY (from yacht) are summoned. "Got the tackle ?" asks WETHERBY. BILL looks at HARRY, and HARRY at him back again. Then BILL replies that he has. Hey? what?" asks WETHERBY. BILL, assisted by HARRY, repeats that the tackle is ready. "Then," after some consideration, WETHERBY says, quickly, "Put it on the Launch." Exeunt BILL and HARRY. Thoughts. What are we going to do? Sail in the yacht? drive in a fly? fish in the Launch? go about in the pony-carriage? It is evident we are ready for anything. |