Lady of Fashion. "IT MUST BE VERY SLOW SHOOTING AT THESE STUPID TARGETS! WHAT A PITY YOU CAN'T HAVE PIGEONS!" A SONG FOR SUMMER TIME. (By One who scarce can claim to be esteemed a Sentimentalist.) O, THERE's nothing half so sweet in life, I dote on them, as doth my wife, MYNHEER VON DUNK, who ne'er was drunk, For of cream a pint a day's my stint, Of strawberries two quarts. The apricot let others praise, Or pear, or peach, or pine, In me these fruits no longing raise, Some tastes the nectarine more suits, To me the queen of British fruits, Is MYATT'S " British Queen." The melon is to some a treat, I eat it with affright; These luscious fruits, altho' so sweet, But no such fear awaits the man, Whom strawberries content; Let him demolish all he can, The feast he'll ne'er repent. Then gather strawberries while ye may, Too soon their time is o'er; And, milkman, bring me every day Of cream a pint, or more. And when the fleeting joys of earth, O poet! is your theme, Fail not to call a stanza forth, On strawberries and cream! ADVERTISEMENT. WE read in a weekly paper : "MR. took his benefit last Monday and Tuesday at the Theatre. SIR ROGER TICHBORNE was present on Tuesday, and upon leaving the theatre he was loudly cheered." Mr. Punch would inquire whether this sort of thing is to go on until the 7th of November. It was freely resorted to a good while back, and paragraphs in favour of the person who asserts himself to be, and perhaps is, SIR ROGER TICHBORNE, were foisted into all corners. But now that the case is half heard, this kind of touting is worse than objectionable. Punch omits the name of a clever actor and a respectable theatre from the above paragraph, as there is no reason for connecting either with the name of the Claimant. What kind of animals "cheered" a person who, upon oath, has described himself. to be utterly despicable, we do not care to ask; but we trust that they were the gentlemen of the pavement, not a theatrical audience. OUR NATIONAL INSURANCE. JOHN BULL, at seasons, in a panic fright, Cries out for troops fit all the world to fight. The House of Jaw resounds with long debates, And votes a huge increase of Estimates. The British Army, when the talk is o'er, Remains inadequate as 'twas before. No stronger force has JouN his Fleet behind, But pays his money, and has eased his mind. Bad Look-Out. THOSE who have the Statistics of Trade and Commerce at their fingers' ends, could tell you, if they dared, that however much the supply may be in excess of the demand in other establishments, Stenographers are always Short-handed. Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, July 22, 1971. PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ONDAY, July 17.-Third night's debate on More Ballot details in the morning, but an early Count Out at night, "for which relief much thanks." will Mr. Gladstone do? sitting, a Bill for the Registration of Voters. Thursday. Everybody's question. will Mr. Gladstone do? What It was answered to-night, in both Houses. Her Majesty the QUEEN, by Royal Warrant, will put an end to all Purchase in the Army after the 1st of November. A Royal Warrant, mind. Not one signed by MR. CARDWELL, only, of which the Lords might say to the PREMIER, as the Farmer in distinguishing him- MRS. THRALE'S Three Warnings, says to self at Wimbledon. MORSThe oration of the night was that of LORD SALISBURY, who reminded us of one of the Shaks pearean battles. The champions of the Bill might have run away, like Charles, Alençon, and Reignier, crying "SALISBURY is a Desperate Homicide; Truly, LORD SALISBURY laid about him well, yet he seemed rather to be "fighting for his own hand" like Harry Wynd, than for his party. His sarcasms were bitter, and well aimed, and the speech, apart from question of statesmanship, was an intellectual treat. Therefore, and thankful for any high-class performance, we omit a Philistine cui bono? LORD GRANVILLE replied, with much tact, and then the Daggers were flourished for the last time, and the "Doom'd One" fell. Majority against Ministers 25 The Resolution of His Grace of RICHMOND to the effect that the House was unwilling, &c., until &c. (mind this), was carried without division. We heard in the Commons that the Picture of the New Courts of Justice was in the Library. If it has all the final improvements, we will thank the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to step up to our office with it some afternoon, and Mr. Punch will give his opinion as to the general effect. He wonders whether the bargain has yet been made, out of which is to arise the first cause to be tried in the new place. After a squabble (the day was hot) over MR. TOMLINE, EDWARD THE THIRD, and the mare's-nest about the eight men of law"-the Act is to be repealed-we had a Dies Innocentium. MR. GLADSTONE announced his resolve to go on with the Ballot Bill, and he slaughtered eight other Bills, some of real value, especially those which MR. DISRAELI elegantly described as affecting subterranean labour. Less elegantly said MR. GREEN, that a Bill which concerned thousands of lives in Mines was of more importance than "the miserable, sneaking Ballot Bill," and still less elegantly said SIR J. ELPHINSTONE, that Members, instead of being allowed to go and join their families, were called on by MR. GLADSTONE to sit there as long as his Royal Pleasure wished it, in order to allow him and his Tyrannical Government to proceed with their measures. All yery well, SIR J. E. But Members of Parliament have no business with families, unless the Senators are able entirely to neglect them for the sake of the nation. What the Head Master at Christ's Hospital said to poor little S. T. COLERIDGE when he was crying after his relatives, should be said by the SPEAKER to a sentimental M.P. "Boy, this House is your father. Boy, this House is your mother. Boy, this House is your uncle and aunt. Boy, this House is your cousins, and all the rest of your relations. Let's have no blubbing." "But the way Senators, Judges, Counsel, Juries, and all sorts clamour for holidays is perfectly humiliating. Small Ballot details till about two in the morning. The Opposition is somewhat womanly in its mode of fighting. Fires a blunderbuss at its enemy. Misses. Then stamps successively upon every one of his toes, and then does it again and again. Tuesday, Everybody's question. What will Mr. Gladstone do? The Lords took the Prevention of Crime Bill. LORD HOUGHTON thinks that criminals are hunted down too much. LORD MORLEY asserts that the system works well. "Else you are come on a fool's errand, With but a Secretary's Warrant." The Lords were invited to revive the Army Bill, now divested of the anti-purchase features. The DUKE OF RICHMOND declared himself taken by surprise, and begged leave to reserve his decision. But there was not much reserve in the House of Commons when MR. GLADSTONE had made his announcement. MR. DISRAELI protested againt the House's receiving such an intimation merely in answer to a question by SIR G. GREY: protested against the setting the Lords at defiance; protested against such an exercise of the Prerogative of the Crown; protested against the abstinence from originally acting by warrant, if it were to be done at all; and, in fact, the Leader of Opposition felt it necessary to seem most awfully indignant. MR. VERNON HARCOURT more than hinted that the indignation their remonstrances (MR. HORSMAN was so was simulated. Various Members fired off abandoned by Fortune that he actually fell into the disgraceful blunder of using the base word reliable" when he meant "trustMinisters, and MR. A. HERBERT drew down worthy"). MR. JACOB BRIGHT praised the MR. B. OSBORNE's wrath by an attack on the Lords. MR. OSBORNE also alluded to "whippersnapper Liberals.". There was great shouting and counter-shouting, until MR. WHALLEY ludicrous to be endured. So we awaited the arose, and the anti-climax was felt to be too decision of the Lords. 66 But Purchase is done with, and Sir Balaam, who "First for his son a gay commission buys," will not be able to make that investment after November, unless MR. GLADSTONE be brought to judgment, and "The House impeach him, Coningsby harangues," and we would not lay money on the doublé event, though the second is likely enough. More Ballot, and SIR JOHN PAKINGTON observing that we had wasted hours," the The Tories have good lungs, and in order to Liberals cheered suckastically for five minutes. show that the suckasm was not felt, cheered in return. MR. DISRAELI himself talked of an avowed and shameless conspiracy, and had to withdraw those words, which, perhaps, were 66 HOW PROVOKING WHEN MRS. BROWN HAS PUT HER GARDENER UP AS GROOM, TO TRY AND CUT OUT MRS. GREEN, THAT THE COB SHOULD JIB WITH JAMES THE FIRST TIME THEY PASS EACH OTHER! not much stronger than his alleging that MR. GLADSTONE gloated with triumph" over the idea of the Lords throwing out the Ballot Bill, and that he had long sought to pick a quarrel with the Peers. Let us lay all this on the hot weather which has suddenly come. Why is not the SPEAKER allowed to send claret-cup to any Member who may be getting too fervid? It need not be made -in fact, we hope it will not be made, of "GLADSTONE's Claret," partly because that would offend Conservative tastes, and partly because-ugh! A Local Government Board Bill was read a Second Time. It is a measure for concentration and re-organisation. The office of Registrar-General of Births, Deaths, and Marriages, the Medical Department of Privy Council, and the Local Government Office, under MR. TOM TAYLOR, are to be transferred to the Local Government Board. Friday. The Royal Warrant was spread before the Lords. The DUKE OF RICHMOND bowed to circumstances, as might have been expected from a nobleman of so much politeness. He should move that the Second Reading of the Army Bill be assented to (with strong censure of the course of the Government), only to secure compensation to the officers. The Second Reading was fixed for the last day of July. Thus hath AJAX GLADSTONE defied the lightning of the Lords, and been scathless. More Ballot, and some capital criticisms by SIR JOHN LUBBOCK on the school-books issued by the National Educational bodies. These authorities tell the children that seals, whales, and shrimps are fishes, that Iceland is in America, that flies keep the air pure, and that sap is dark blue. We need hardly say that MR. WHALLEY was called to order before the night was over. Contemporary Tragedies. WHAT Would be thought of anybody who, in conversation, seriously called a Murder a Tragedy? A Tragedy ought to have five Acts, and a Murder can only be an incident in one of them. Why will reporters continue to write nonsense which they would not speak? EVERYWHERE A NUISANCE. THEY have street-organs in Rome! And they suffer from them just as we do in London. And, the other day, some of the inhabitants of the Piazza Navana (who evidently do not regard Patience as one of the cardinal virtues), "distracted beyond endurance, took the law into their own hands, and smashed the offending instruments to pieces." That would not do in London. Terrible as the organ-plague is amongst us, we are kinder to the wandering minstrels than they are to us, and have no desire to see their instruments of torture handled in this rough fashion. But we are not ashamed to confess that the passing of a little Bill, tending to make life in the Metropolitan boroughs rather less intolerable, by imposing some restraint on bands, solo performers, coloured troupes, and costermongers (as to the last-named tormentors, particularly on genuine interest than either the Abolition of Purchase or the IntroSundays), would arouse in us (and thousands besides) far more duction of the Ballot. JULY 29, 1871.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR RESERVES! Aide-de-Camp (at the last Review). "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SIR? WHERE'S YOUR REGIMENT?" Aide-de-Camp (furious). Party on the Grass. "(Hic!) NORABIROFIT !-WAS JUS' NOW-BU-R I'VE RESHIGNED 'N CONS'QUENCE-TEMP'RY 'NDISHPOSITION!" "I would not change my native land For rich Peru with all her gold, A nobler prize lies in my hand Than East or Western Indies hold." The Italics are his own, but we have no idea what they imply. The prize means that which is now being revised in the Jerusalem Chamber. But never mind DR. WATTS. Mr. Punch has just received a letter from Lima, requesting an answer in his "Notices to Correspondents." He never notices Correspondents, as his Correspondents might have noticed. But as he is applied to by beings in another world, he will waive his rule, and state that "the distinguished artist who designed the Punch frontispiece" is alive, and Mr. Punch hopes that he will be able to make the same statement many years hence. Now then, what is the best thing Lima produces? Let it be sent here, carriage paid, by the next ship from Callao. N.B. Neither pumas, jaguars, vipers, toads, nor armadilloes need apply. THE RITUALIST PARSONS' PETITION. YOUR petitioners humbly solicit the pity Which the candid and just for their like ever feel; O deliver us from the Judicial Committee, And permit us to have our own Court of Appeal. We require not a Court to determine expressions To be brief, we demand a Tribunal elastic, As a pedagogue governs the boys of a school. MY HEALTH. upon not "asking this witness (myself) any further questions," and gradually subsides into a newspaper. Dyspeptic Symptoms consequent upon the early dinner enormity.TILL in the Carriage.-Quite Indigestion from now to Exeter. Drowsiness. After Exeter, darkfull. We are all set-ness. Near the Sea. Rain. Passengers have dropped out one by Sense of loneliness. tling down, and making one. ourselves gradually less Thoughts in the Dark.-Note in pocket-book, with the idea of (b). To find out if there isn't an Act of Parliament compelling Railway Companies to put lights in carriages. Mem. Does this Act only apply to ships? If so, suggest to some one (find an M.P., and suggest it to him) to bring in a Bill for the purpose. year?" He has not led up to this inquiry, and I feel somewhat taken aback. I reply that "I do not know, as I have not been there this year," which, without committing me to anything, leads him to suppose that my absence from this Spring Meeting (if it is a Spring Meeting) is a solitary exception to my general practice. He has evidently made up his mind that I am a sporting character, and have got information on various events," which I am slily keeping to myself, as his next question, with an apology for his own ignorance, as he has not been long in England, is, whether I don't think that Scavenger's safe for the Two Thousand ?" Note. Sporting amusements are part of our national character. Every Englishman is born a Sailor and a Sportsman. Of course, if he doesn't keep it up after being born with these advantages, that's his fault. Odd that it should never have struck me till now! ་་ 66 Mem. One really ought to read sporting papers once a week: it wouldn't take more than a quarter of an hour to get up the names of a few leading horses. Some men are equally ready on all subjects: these are men who do not waste their club subscriptions. Mem. Next to being rich, the best thing is to have the credit for being so. Ergo, the next best thing to knowing all about everything is to look as if you knew it. To say, at once, "Sir, I do not know," or, Sir, I am utterly and totally ignorant of the subject you have started," would (Johnsonianly) put an end to all such casual conversation as might beguile a journey. 66 By the Way. First find your M.P., and then might suggest plenty of Bills and Measures. With a view to My Health, I wonder how a Parliamentary Life would suit me? Think it over. If my Doctor says it's just the thing, I might go in for somewhere. Where? As what? How much? If much, would My Aunt advance the money? She might for the honour of the family. Might give her an I. O. U., payable on my becoming a Cabinet Minister. One never knows what may eventuate. These are Thoughts in the Dark. Good title for a Religious Tract. Might suggest it to REV. J. C. RYLE. Hear he makes thousands by a Tract of only four pages. Nothing easier than to write a Tract, or any number of Tracts. Feel I could do it. Why not? If I was a Clergyman, I might. Why not write as a Clergyman, say, "Thoughts in the Dark, by the REV. J. A. B. H. L. K." Might add (to puzzle the Public)" & Co." New Tract (Fifty Thousandth, this Day), by REV. J. A. B. H. L. K. & Co. Or really start a Tract Company (Limited). This money (out of the tracts) would defray election expenses. Some one told me once that he was travelling in a train (as I am now), and happened to say to a casual acquaintance (but I am all alone now in the dark) that he intended going in for Parliament. Whereupon the Casual Acquaintance said, Are you, by Jingo!" or words to that effect; adding, "Then you're the man for me." Will you come back to (I forget where), and stand for the County (or Borough, I don't remember which) ?" My friend said, "Yes, certainly," but expressing at the same time a wish to go home and get another pair of trousers (I think it was), as he had not intended being away more than a day when he started. The Casual Acquaintance wouldn't let him do it, but jumped out at the next station, took my friend with him, telegraphed back to somewhere, where he'd come from, to say, "Found a man to stand for the place: will be amongst you (i.e., the Electors) in an hour." And a telegram to agent, "Issue Address at once." By the time that they reached the town the Addresses were out, and my friend told me that he was received by Deputations at the station, cheered all over the place, carried in triumph to his hotel, presided at a public dinner, addressed crowds from the balcony, wore colours, presented colours, was serenaded at night, went to church next day with a band playing, and listened to an election sermon, with an appropriate election hymn afterwards; that, being short of stature, he had consented to stand upon three hassocks in his pew, in order to show himself to the people; that, in order to secure the votes of the Churchmen, he went to service three times that day in three different places, never closed his eyes once through any of the sermons, and stood on four hassocks in the evening because of the gaslight being bad, and never once took his eyes off his book; that henceforth, not only was he the Popular Candidate (as his Casual Acquaintance informed him), but the only Candidate, until the very last day but one, when a meeting was held in which he was denounced as an adventurer by all parties, and some one whose name had never been mentioned, suddenly issued an address; and that, upon this, his Casual Acquaintance took him aside, and advised him that the best course he could pursue would be to retire at once, before the Mob became very violent, in which case he (my friend) might be held legally responsible for the damage done to the Hotel, and perhaps for the destruction of half of the public buildings in the town; that, hearing this, my friend went off by the very next train, disguised as a bricklayer, but was recognised by the roughs, hooted at, and pelted before he got to the station, into which he was dragged by the police. That, before he was allowed to go, I have scarcely uttered this opinion before I feel I've made a false he was obliged to pay his hotel bill of about five hundred pounds, step. Firstly, it occurs to me that GRIMSTONE is not a jockey, but besides drawing cheques for printing, treating, and a tailor's and a prizefighter; secondly, that I don't think he's a prizefighter, but haberdasher's bill for several entire new suits (shirts and ties in a cricketer; thirdly, that, if so, he's an amateur cricketer; and, election colours, and trousers with election stripes down the sides) fourthly, that he's an eminent Chancery barrister. I wait an made in a hurry, in consequence of having come off without his instant, expecting my neighbour, or some one in the carriage, to say, portmanteau, and which were of no sort of use to him after"GRIMSTONE! Who's GRIMSTONE? What did he ride? When wards; and that, finally, he read of the new Candidate's unopdid he ride?" &c., &c. In which case I should give up GRIM-posed return, but never again fell in with his Casual Acquaintance, STONE, and suppose that I was thinking of somebody else. I reply, with some hesitation, that "I do not feel quite certain as to what Scavenger may do;" which is strictly true, as I've never even heard the animal's name before. I believe my answer will cost this gentleman some anxious consideration, and perhaps bring about an entire change in the betting. He apologises again for having been absent in India for some time, and I smile, as much as to say, "O, don't mention it!" and then he asks me who are considered the best "boys to put up" now? A searching question. Luckily, I've heard the phrase "boy to put up" before, or might have thought he alluded (having been absent in India for some time) to the obsolete climbing boys. I've an idea that the other passengers are furtively listening. I feel that, as an Englishman, I ought to know the names of the jockeys, and particularly as I have not the excuse to offer of having been out of England for a long time. I cautiously reply," Well- -" and consider. A name suddenly occurs to me, as if by inspiration. I come out with it,-I say that "I suppose GRIMSTONE's not a bad one." My sporting inquirer appears impressed by my reply, and merely observes, "Ah!" then, after looking at nothing in particular out of the left window, and after turning his attention to something of equal importance out of the right window, he evidently determines nor heard a word about him, except from one man, who told him, confidentially, that the less he saw of him the better. That his family (my friend's family) had him (my friend) watched by a detective, and once his relations clubbed together to pay a mad doctor to visit him. All this occurs to me in the dark, between Exeter and |