virtues consist in the quintessence, or occult propriety of simples, of which we can have no other instruction than use and custom. For quintessence is no other than a quality of which we cannot by our reason find out the cause. In such proofs, those they pretend to have acquir'd by the inspiration of some Dæmon, I am content to receive (for I meddle not with miracles) as also the proofs which are drawn from things that upon some other account oft fall into use amongst us; as if in wool, wherewith we are wont to cloath our selves, there have accidentally some occult desiccative propriety been found out of curing kib'd heels, or, as if in the radish we eat for food, there have been found out some aperitive operation. Galen reports, that a man hapned to be cur'd of a leprosie by drinking wine out of a vessel into which a viper had crept by chance. In which example, we find the means, and a very likely guide and conduct to this experience; as we also do in those physicians pretend to have been directed to by the example of some beasts. But in most of their other experiments, wherein they declare to have been conducted by fortune, and to have had no other guide than chance, I find the progress of this information incredible. Suppose man looking round about him upon the infinite number of things, plants, animals and metals, I do not know where he would begin his tryal; and though his first fancy should fix him upon an elk's horn, wherein there must be a very gentle and easie belief, he will yet find himself perplex'd in his second operation. There are so many maladies, and so many circumstances laid before him, that before he can arrive at the certainty of the point, to which the perfection of his experience should arrive, human sence will be at the end of its lesson: and before he can, amongst this infinity of things, find out what this horn is amongst so many diseases, what the epilepsie, the many complexions in a melancholic person, the many seasons in winter, the many nations in the French, the many ages in age, the many cœlestial mutations in the conjunction of Venus and Saturn, and the many parts in mans body, nay, in a finger: and being in all this directed neither by argument, conjectures, example nor divine inspirations, but meerly by the sole motion of fortune; it should be by a perfectly artificial, regular and methodical fortune. And after the care is perform'd, how can he assure himself that it was not because the disease was arriv'd at its period, or and effect of chance? Or the operation of something else that he had eaten, drunk, or touch'd that day? Or by virtue of his grandmothers prayers? And moreover, had this experiment been perfect, how many times was it reiterated, and this long bead-role of fortunes and encounters strung anew from chance to conclude a certain rule? And when the rule is concluded, by whom I pray you? Of so many millions, there are but three men who take upon them to record their experiments. And must chance needs just meet one of these? What if another, and a hundred others have made 654 AN IDLE HUMOUR TO SEEK POSTHUMOUS REPUTATION. contrary experiments? We might, peradventure, have some light in this, were all the judgments and arguments of men known to us. But that three witnesses, three doctors, should lord it over all mankind is against all reason. It were fit that human nature should have deputed and cull'd them out, and that they were declar'd our comptrollers by express letters of attorney. TO MADAME DE DURAS. Madam, The last time you honour'd me with a visit, you found me at work upon this chapter, and being, it may happen, that these trifles may one day fall into your Ladiships hands, I will also, that they testifie in how great honour the author will take any favour you shall please to shew them. You will there find the same air and behaviour you have observ'd in his conversation, and though I could have borrowed some better or more favourable garb than my own, I would not have done it, for I require nothing more of these writings, but to present me to your memory, such as I naturally am. The same conditions and faculties your Ladiship has been pleas'd to frequent and receive with much more honour and courtesie than they deserve, I will put together, (but without alteration) in one solid body, that may peradventure continue some years, or some days after I am gone; where you may find them again when your Ladiship shall please to refresh your memory, without putting you to any greater trouble; neither are they worth it. I desire you should continue the favour of your friendship to me, by the same qualities by which it was acquir'd; and am not ambitious that any one should love and esteem me more dead than living. The humour of Tiberius is ridiculous, but yet common, who was more solicitous to extend his renown to posterity than to render himself acceptable to men of his own time. If I was one of those to whom the world could owe commendation, I would acquit the one half to have the other in hand, that their praises might come quick and crowding about me, more thick than long, more full than durable; and let them cease on God's name with my knowledge, and when the sweet sound can no longer pierce my ears. It were an idle humour to go about, now that I am going to forsake the commerce of men, to offer my self to them by a new recommendation. I make no account of the goods I could not employ in the service of my life. And such as I am, I will be elsewhere than in paper: my art and industry have been ever directed to render me good for something; and my studies, to teach me to do, and not to write. I have made it my whole business to frame my life. This has been my trade and my work. I am less a writer of books than any thing else. I have coveted so much understanding for the service of my present and real conveniences, and not to lay up a stock for my posterity. Who has anything of value in him, let him make it appear in his manners, in his ordinary discourses, in his court. ships and his quarrels, in play, in bed, at table, in the management of his affairs, in his oeconomy. Those that I see make good books in ill breeches, should first have mended their breeches, if they would have been ruled by me. Ask a Spartan, whether he had rather be a good orator or a good soldier; and if I was ask'd the same question, I would rather chuse to be a good cook, had I not one already to serve me. Good God! Madam, how should I hate the reputation of being a pretty fellow at writing, and an ass and a sot in every thing else. Yet I had rather be a fool in any thing, than to have made so ill a choice wherein to employ my talent. And I am so far from expecting to gain any new reputation by these follies, that I shall think I come off pretty well if I lose nothing by it of that little I had before. For besides that this dead painting will take from my natural being, it has no resemblance to my better condition, but also much laps'd from my former vigour and chearfulness, and looks faded and wither'd. I am towards the bottom of the barrel, which begins to tast of the lees. And to the rest, madam, I should not have dar'd to make so bold with the mysteries of physick, considering the esteem that your Ladiship, and so many others have of it, had 1 not had encouragement from their own authors, Pliny and Celsus. If these ever fall into your hands, you will find that they speak much more rudely of their art than I do; I but pinch it, they cut the throat on't. Pliny, amongst other things, twits them with this, that when they are at the end of the rope, that is, when they have done the utmost of what they are able to do, they have a pretty device to save themselves, of recommending their patients, whom they have teaz'd and tormented with their drugs and diets to no purpose, some to vows and miracles, and others to the hot baths and waters. (Be not angry, Madam, he speaks not of those in our parts, who are under the protection of your house, and all Gramontins.) They have besides another way of saving their own credit, of ridding their hands of us, and securing themselves from the reproaches we might cast in their teeth of the little amendment, when they have had us so long in their hands, that they have not one more invention left wherewith to amuse us; which is, to send us to the better air of some other country. This, Madam, is enough, I hope you will give me leave to return to my former discourse, from which I have so far digrest, the better to divert you. It was, I think, Pericles, who being ask'd how he did, "you may judge," said he, "by these," showing some little scrowls of parchment he had tyed about his neck and arms. By which he would infer, that he must needs be very sick when he was reduc'd to a necessity of having recourse to such idle and vain fopperies, and of suffering himself to be so equipp'd. I dare not promise but that I may one day be so much a fool as to commit my life and death to the mercy and government of physicians; I may fall into such a frenzy; I dare not 656 GLORY MAY BE DEARLY BOUGHT-GIVE ME HEALTH! be responsible for my future constancy: but then, if any one ask me how I do, I may also answer, as Pericles did, "You may judge by this," showing my hands clutch'd up with six drams of opium: it will be a very evident sign of a violent sickness; and my judgment will be very much out of order. If once fear and impatience get such an advantage over me, it may very well be concluded, that there is a dreadful fever in my mind. I have taken the pains to plead this cause, which I little enough understand, as little to back and support the natural aversion to drugs, and the practice of physick, I have derived from my ancestors, to the end it may not be a mere stupid and temerarious aversion, but have a little more form; and also, that they who shall see me so obstinate in my resolution against all exhortations and menaces that shall be given me, when my infirmity shall press hardest upon me, may not think 'tis meer obstinacy in me; or any one so ill-natured, as yet to judge it to be any motive of glory: for it would be a strange ambition to seek to gain honour by an action my gardener or my groom can perform as well as I. Certainly, I have not an heart so tumurous and windy, that I should exchange so solid a pleasure as health, for an airy and imaginary pleasure. Glory, even that of the four sons of Aymon, is too dear bought to a man of my humour, if it cost him three swinging fits of the stone, give me health in Gods name! Such as love physick, may also have good, great and convincing considerations; I do not hate opinions contrary to my own. I am so far from being angry to see a discrepancy betwixt mine and other mens judgments, and from rendring my self unfit for the society of men, for being of another sence and party than mine; that on the contrary (the most general way that nature has follow'd being variety, and more in souls than bodies, forasmuch as they are of a more supple substance, and more susceptible of forms) I find it much more rare to see our humours and designs jump and agree. And there never was in the world two opinions alike, no more than two hairs, or two grains. The most universal quality, is diversity. CHAP. XCV.-OF PROFIT AND HONESTY. No man is free from speaking foolish things; but the worst on't is, when a man studies to play the fool. Næ iste magno conatu magnas nugas dixerit. Terent. Heaut. Act. 4. Scen. 1. The man, in troth, with much ado Has prov'd that one and one make two. This does not concern me; mine slip from me with as little care, as they are of little value, and 'tis the better for them. I would presently part with them for what they are worth, and neither buy nor sell them, but as they weigh. I speak in paper, as I do to the first I meet; and that this is true, observe what follows. To whom ought not treachery to be hateful, when Tiberius refus'd it in a thing of so great importance to him? He had word sent him from Germany, that if he thought fit, they would rid him of Ariminius, the most potent enemy the Romans had, by poyson. He returned answer, "That the people of Rome were wont to revenge themselves of their enemies by open ways, and with their swords in their hands, and not clandestinely, and by fraud.” Wherein he quitted the utile for the honest. You will tell me that he was a deceiver, and did not speak as he thought: I believe so too; and 'tis no great miracle in men of his profession. But the acknowledgment of verture is no less valid in the mouth of him that hates it, forasmuch as truth forces it from him; and if he will not inwardly receive it, he at least puts it on, and with it makes himself outwardly fine. Our outward and inward structure is full of imperfection; but there is nothing useless in nature, not so much as inutility it self; nothing has insinuated it self into this universe, that has not therein some fit and proper place. Our being is cemented with sickly qualities, ambition, jealousie, envy, revenge, superstition, and despair, have so natural a possession in us, that the image is discern'd in beasts: nay, and cruelty, so unnatural a vice; for even in the midst of compassion, we feel within I know not what tart-sweet titillation of ill-natur'd pleasure in seeing others suffer, and the children feel it. Suavi mari magno turbantibus æquora ventis, E terra magnum alterius spectare laborem.-Lucan. l. 1. 'Tis sweet from land to see a storm at sea, Of the seeds of which qualities, whoever should divest man, would destroy the fundamental conditions of human life: likewise in all governments there are necessary offices, not only abject, but vicious also. Vices have there a help to make up the seam in our piecing; as poisons are useful for the conservation of health. If they become excusable because they are of use to us, and that the common necessity covers their true qualities; we are to resign this part to the strongest and boldest citizens, who sacrifice their honour and conscience, as others of old sacrific'd their lives for the good of their country: we who are weaker, take upon us the parts of actions, both that are more easie, and less hazardous: the publick weal requires that a man should betray, and lye, and massacre; let us leave this commission to men that are more obedient, and more supple. In earnest, I have often been troubled to see judges, by fraud, and false hopes of favour or pardon, allure a criminal to confess his fact, and therein to make use of cozenage T T |