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well known to every girl of thirteen. I was never in poffeffion of this nuptial charm before: but I was fo much delighted with this matrimonial token, and it excited in my mind fo many reflections on conjugal happiness, that (though I did not lay it under my pillow) it gave occafion to the following Dream.
for her, and which reprefented the figure of a fine gentleman in gilt gingerbread.
An old fellow of fixty-two, who had ftolen one day from the butinefs of the Alley, next came towards the Altar, and feemed to express a frong delire for a Cake. Plurus, who recollected him at first light, immediately offered him one, which, though very mouldy and coarse, was gilt all over; but he was aftonished at the old gentleman's refufing it, and petitioning Cupid for a Cake of the moit elegant form and fweeteft ingredients. The little God at first repulfed him with indignation, but afterwards SOLD it to him for a large fum of money; a cir cumftance which amazed me beyond expreffion, but which I foon found was very commonly practifed in this Tem ple. The old fellow retired with his purchafed prize; and though I imagined he might itill have a colt's tooth remaining, after having for fome time mumbled it between his old gums in vain, it lay by him untouched and unenjoyed.
I found myself in the middle of a fpa. cious building, which was crouded with a variety of perfons of both fexes; and upon enquiry was told that it was the Temple of the God of Marriage; and that every one, who had an inclination. to facrifice to that Deity, was invited to, approach a large altar, which was covered with a great number of Cakes of different shapes and appearance. Some of thefe were moulded into the form of hearts; and others were woven into true lovers knots: fome were ftrewed with fugar, and stuck about with fweet-meats; fome were covered with gold; fome were ftamped with coronets; and others had their tops embellished with glittering toys, that reprefented a fine houfe, a fet of jewels, or a coach and fix. Plutus I was afterwards very much difguftand Cupid were bufily employed in difed with the many inftances that occurred tributing these Cakes (which were all of them marked with the word MATRI MONY, and called. Bride-Cakes) to different perfons, who were allowed to chufe for themselves, according to their different views and inclinations,
I obferved feveral haften to the Altar, who all appeared to be variously affected by their choice. To fome the Cakes feemed of fo delicious a flavour, that they imagined they fhould never be furfeited; while others, who found the tafte very agreeable at first, in a fhort time declared it to be flat and infipid. However, I could not help remarking, that many more (particularly among the quality) addreffed themselves to Plutus than to Cupid.
of thefe delicate morfels being fer up to fale: and I found that their price rofe and fell, like that of beef or mutton, according to the glut orefcarcity of the market. I was particularly affected with the difpofal of the two following. A young gentleman and lady were ap proaching the Altar, and had agreed to take between them a Cake of a plain form but delicious flavour, marked Love and Competence; but a perfon of qua lity stepping forward, perfuaded the falle female to join with him, and receive from Plutus one much more glit tering, marked Indifference and a large Settlement. Another lady was com ing up with a Knight of the Bath, being tempted by a Cake with a red ribband ftreaming from it, like the flags on a Twelfth-Cake; but was prevailed on by a person of greater rank and diftinction to accept a more showy Cake, adorned with a blue ribband and a co
Being defirous to take a nearer view of the company, I pushed through the crowd, and placed inyfelf close by the Altar. A young couple now advanced, and applying to Cupid, defired him to reach them one of the cakes, in the shaperonet. of a double heart pierced through with darts: but just as they were going to fhare it betwixt them, a crabbed old fellow, whom I found to be the girl's father, stepped up, broke the cake in two, and obliged the young lady to fix upon another, which Plutus picked out
A buxom dame of an amorous complexion came next, and begged very hard for a Cake. She had before received several, which suited her tooth, and pleafed her palate fo exceffively, that as foon as the had dispatched one the conftantly came to Cupid for an
other. She now feized her Cake with great tranfport, and retiring to a corner with it, I could difcern her greedily Tumbling the delicious morfel, though The had fairly worn out fix and twenty of her teeth in the fervice. After this an ancient lady came tottering up to the Altar, fupported by a young fellow in a red coat, with a fhoulder-knot. Plutus gave him a ftale Cake marked with the word Jointure in large golden capitals, which he received with fome reluctance, while the old lady eagerly Snatched another from Cupid, (who turned his head aside from her) on which I could plainly difcover the word Dotage.
A rich rufty bachelor of the last century then came bustling through the crowd. He brought with him a redcheeked country girl of nineteen. As he approached the Altar, he met feveral coming from it with Cakes, which he and refused; fome of which were marked Riches, fome Family, fome Beauty, and one or two Affection. The girl he brought with him proved to be his dairymaid, whom he had for fome time paft been in vain attempting to bring over to his wifhes; but at last finding his defign impracticable, he came with her to the Altar. He feemed, indeed, a little athamed of his undertaking, and betrayed a good deal of aukwardness in his manner and deportment. However, as foon as he had taken his Cake, he retired; and determined to spend the reft of his days with his milch-cow in the country.
To fatisfy a modeft longing, there now advanced a maiden lady in the bloom of threefcore. She had, it feems, heretofore refufed feveral offers from Cupid and Plutus; but being enraged
to find that they had now given over all thoughts of her, fhe feized by the hand a young Enfign of the Guards, and car. ried him to the Altar, whence she herfelf fnatched up a Cake, and divided it with her gallant. She was highly de. lighted with the taste of it at firft; but her partner being very foon cloyed, the too late difcovered, that the half which fhe held in her hand was figned Folly, and that which he had forced upon her paramour was marked Averfion.
A little, pert, forward Mifs, in a frock and hanging fleeves, ran brifkly up to Cupid, and begged for a Cake:—what it was fhe did not care; but a Cake she muft and would have, of one kind or another. She had just stretched out her hands to receive one from Cupid, when her mamma interpofed, fent the child back again blubbering to the boardingfchool, and carried off the Cake herfelf.
An old woman, fantastically dreffed, then burit into the Temple, and ran raving up to the Altar, crying out, that the would have an hufband. But the poor lady feemed likely to be disappoint-" ed; for, as fhe could prevail on no one to join hands with her, both Cupid and Plutus refufed to favour her with a Cake. Furious with rage and defpair, fhe fnatched one off the Altar; and feizing on the first man that came in her way, which unfortunately happened to be myfelf, fhe would have forcibly crammed it down my throat. As the leaft crumb of it was as difagreeable as a drench to an horfe, I began to fpaw!, and fputter, and keck; and though the flurry of spirits which it occafioned awaked me, I thought I had the naufeous taste of it ftill in my mouth.
N° XCVI. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1755.
-SEX PARATUR AUT DECEM SOPHOS NUMMIS.
WOULD YOU THE NAME OF AUTHOR NOT REFUSE,
TO MR. TOWN.
MONG many Register-Of
Afices erected within thefe few years
paft, I am furprised that no fcheme of the like nature has been thought of for the fervice of literature; and that no place has been fet apart where Literary Commodities of every fort might be difpofed of: where men of learning might meet with employment; and where others, who want their affistance, might be fure to meet with men of learning. There is nothing of this kind in being at prefent, except among the bookfellers; who, indeed, have made a monopoly of the trade, and engroffed the whole market to themselves. To remedy this inconvenience, my defign is to fet up a Literary Regifter-Office: for which purpofe I intend to hire the now ufelefs theatre in Lincoln's Inn Fields, and convert it into a mart for the ftaple commodities of the literary commonwealth. I fhall here fit up apartments for the reception of my authors, who will be employed from time to time in fupplying the public with the requifite manufactures. This fcheme will, I doubt not, meet with great encouragement, as it is of general utility: and I do not remember any defign of the fame nature, except at a barber's on the other fide the water, who has hung out a board over his fhop with the following infcription Letters read and written for Servants and 'Others.'
I fhall always have a fresh affortment of goods in the belt tafte and newett fafhion: as of Novels for example, while the humour of reading them is prevalent among all ranks of people. For this
branch I fhall retain a very eminent Mafter Novelift, to cut out adventures. and intrigues, and fhall employ a pro
number of hands to tack them to
gether with all poffible care and expe
dition: and if any ladies of quality, or others, chufe to furnifh their own materials for Memoirs and Apologies, they may have them done up, and be fitted exactly, at my Office. Befides feveral others, which my men fhall get up with the greatest dispatch, I can allure you I have myself worked night and day, and have already finished lix and thirty fheets of the Hiftory of Mifs Sukey Sapling, Written by Herself.
Pamphlets of all forts fhall be com pofed, whenever any popular subject tarts up that is likely to engage the attention of the public. Every new play fhall be followed by an Examen or Remarks: all riots at either playhouse will afford fcope for Letters to the Managers, and every new actor or actress produce theatrical Criticifms. Poetry, you know, Mr. Town, is a mere drug; but I fall. always have a number of ready-madę Odes by me, which may be fuited to any great man, dead or alive, in place or out of place. I fhall alfo have a large bundle of Poems on feveral Occafions, very proper for any gentleman or lady who chutes to publish by fubfcription befides a more ordinary fort of Hymns to the Morning; Verfes on the Death of; Odes to Mils A. B. C. Acrotics and Rebules, for the use of the Magazines; to be fold a pennyworth, with allowance to thofe who take a great quantity.
With regard to Law matters, as they have no fort of connection with wit of learning, I fhall not concern myself with
their unintelligible jargon; nor prefume to interfere with thofe authors in parchment, who measure their words by the foot rule, and fell their writings at fo much per line. However, I fhall furnish young Students of the feveral Inns of Court with compleat Canons of Criticism, and Opinions on any new theatrical Cafes; on which they may argue very learnedly at a tavern, or plead at the bar of a coffee-house. For Medical fubjects, I shall procure a learned Graduate by Diploma from abroad, whose practice will not fo much take up his time as to prevent his being at leifure to write occafional treatifes, fetting forth the virtues of any newly invented Powder, or newly-difcovered Water. He shall alfo draw up the advertisements for medicines that remove all diseases, and are never known to fail; he fhall compile the wonderful accounts of their furprising cures; and furnish cafes that never happened, and affidavits that were never made. With respect to Divinity, as I have reafon to believe that controverfial writings will be often called for, I intend to bargain with the Robin Hood Society to undertake in the lump to furnish my Office with defences of Lord Bolingbroke, &c. and till I can procure fome poor curate out of the country, or fervitor from the univerfity, to write the Manufcript Sermons of eminent Divines lately deceased, warranted Originals, I must make shift with the Fleet Parsons now out of bufinefs.
Though I fhall not keep any dramatic works ready made by me, (as thefe commodities are apt to grow ftale and out of fashion) yet either of the theatres may be ferved with tragedy, come dy, farce, or the like, by bespeaking them, and giving but three days notice. For the comic pieces I fhall employ a poet who has long worked for the drolls at Bartholomew and Southwark fairs, and has even printed a comedy, as it was half acted at Drury Lane. My tragedies will be furnished by a NorthBriton, who walked up to London from his native country latt winter with a most fublime tragedy in his coat pocket, and which is now to be difposed of to the best bidder. Any old play of Shakespeare or Ben Johnson fhall be pieced with modern ones according to the prefent tatte, or cut out in airs and recitative for an English Opera. Songs for Pan
tomimes may be had, to fet to the clack of a mill, the tinkling of a tin cascade, or the flaps of Harlequin's wooden fword. The proprietors of our public Gardens, during the fummer feafon, may be alfo fupplied from my Office with Love-ditties to a new Burthen, or comic Dialogues in Crambo; and words fhall at any time be fitted to the music, after the tunes are compofed.
As I propofe to make my Office of general utility, every thing that bears the leaft affinity to literature will be naturally comprehended in my Scheme. Members of Parliament may be supplied with Speeches on any political fubject; and Country Juftices may, on directing a letter (poft-paid) to the Office, have Charges to the Jury at the Quarter Seffions fent down to them by the first coach or waggon. Addreffes on particular occafions fhall be drawn up for the worshipful Mayor and Aldermen of any city or corporation; Laws, Rules, Regulations, or Orders, fhall be formed for the Anti-Gallicans, Ubiquarians, Gregorians, or any other private clubs and focieties. N. B. The Free Mafons may depend upon fecrecy.
Many advantages may likewise accrue to the polite world from the establifhment of my Office. Gentlemen and ladies may have Billet doux written for them with the moft foft and languishing expreffions: Meffage Cards, and Invitations to Routs, fhall be filled up and circulated, at fo much per hundred, or undertaken in the grofs at a fixed price all the year round. Beaux may be accommodated with letters of gallantry to fend to their laundreffes, or have them copied out in a fashionable female scrawl, and directed to themfelves. Gentlemen who love fighting, but cannot write, may have challenges penned for them in the true ftile and spirit of a modern Blood.
There are many other conveniencies arifing from fuch an Office, which it would be too tedious to enumerate: and it will be found to be no lefs beneficial to you authors, Mr. Town, than those other Register-Offices are to men and maid-servants. If an author, for example, wants employment, or is out of place, he has nothing to do but to enter his name with me, and I fhall presently get Lim work; or if a book feller wants an hand for any particular job, (as a tranflation-spinner, a novel-weaver, a
play-wricht, a verfe turner, or the like) upon fearching my books he will be fure. to meet with a man fit for the business. In short, any compofition, in prose or rhyme, and on any fubject, may be procured at a minute's warning, by applying to my office; and I dare fay, you yourself, Mr. Town, will be very glad. now and then to purchase a Connoiffeur of me, whenever the idle fit feizes you.
If that fhould happen to come upon you this week, and you have nothing better, you will oblige me by laying the Scheme here fent before your readers; and in return, you shall have the credit of publishing your papers at my Office, as foon as it is opened, and welcome. I am, Sir, your humble fervant, J. WITSELL.
No XCVII. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1755.
DE TE PENDENTIS, TE RESPICIENTIS AMICI.
YOUR FRIEND, YOUR PIMP, YOUR HANGER-ON, WHAT NOT?
Remember to have heard a confin of mine, who was formerly at Cambridge, often mentioning a fect of Philofophers, diftinguished by the rest of the collegians under the appellation of Tuft bunters. Thefe were not the difciples of the Stoics or Epicureans, or the advocates for the od or new philofophy, but the followers (iterally speaking) of the fellow commoners, noblem n, and other rich ftudents, whom it seems the courtesy of the University has honoured with a cap adorned with a gold taffel. Thefe goid threads have almost as much influence in the Un verfity, as a red or a blue ribband at court; and always draw after the wearer a train of humbie companions, who will be at his call to breakfat, dine, or fup with him, when ever he pleafes; will go with him any where, drink with him, wench with him, borrow his money, or let him pay their reckoning. They are, I am told, a fort of difeafe of the place, which a man of fortune is fure to catch as foon as he arrives there; and thefe faft friends ftick so close to him, that he can never hake them off while he keeps his gown on his back.
The Univerfity of London is not without it's Tuft-bunters, who faften, like leeches, on a young man of fortune at his fit coming to town. They befet him as foon as he arrives, and when they have once furrounded him, feldom fail of fecuring him to themselves; for no perfons of character care to have any connections with him, when he has been frequently feen in fuch bad company. It is a great misfortune for any young gentleman to fall into their hands:
though indeed, as a fool is the natural prey of knaves, the wealthy maintainers of this fraternity are generally none of the wifeft: and as at the University, where the learned pate ducks to the golden fool, the gentleman-student is diftinguished by a cap with a gold tuft, I always confider thefe fons of folly in town as adorned with a showy cap hung with bells, which ferve as once to denote the depth of their parts, and to call their train about them.
The dialect of the Town has very expreffively characterized these humble dependants on men of fortune by the name of Hangers-on. They will, indeed, take fuch fure-hold, and hang on a man fo conftantly, that it is almoft impoffible to drop them. Whenever the gentleman appears, the Hanger on is fure to be at his elbow. They will fqueeze themfelves into every party that is formed; and I have known inftances of their thrusting themselves into strange families, by sticking to their patron's skirts, and impudently introducing themfelves where he has been invited to dinner: which, indeed, I think would not be an improper custom, provided they would fubmit to ftand behind his chair. They will stick fo closely, that all the adhetive qualities of burs, pitch, &c. feem to be collected in them; and the line in Pope's Odyffey, fo often ridiculed, may rather be confidered as em"phafis than tautology in fpeaking of them. The Hanger on clings to his fool, as Ulyffes did to the rock, and in Pope's words
They STICK ADHERENT, and SUSPENDED