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suddenly conveyed away, and either right to entertain himself at his friend's ftuffed behind the looking-glass, or tossed expence, I live in hourly apprehensions from one to the other so dextrously and of more mortifying adventures. No with such velocity, that, after many a miserable dunghill cock, devoted a vica fruitless attempt to recover it, I am ob. tim to the wanton cruelty of the mob, liged to sit down bare-headed, to the would be more terrified at the approach great diversion of the spectators. The of a Shrove Tuesday, were he endued last time I found myself in these distress. with human reason and forecast, than I ful circumstances, the eldest girl, a am at the approach of a merry Chrift. sprightly mischievous jade, stepped brisk- mas or the First of April. No longer ly up to me, and promised to restore ago than laft Thursday, which was the my wig, if I would play her a tune on latter of these festivals, I was peftered a small flute the held in her hand. I with mortifying presents from the la. instantly applied it to my lips, and blow. dies; obliged to pay the carriage of half ing luftily into it, to my inconceivable a dozen oyster-barrels stuffed with bricksurprise, was immediately choaked and bats, and ten packets by the post conblinded with a cloud of foot, that issued taining nothing but old news papers. from every hole in the instrument. The But what vexed me the most, was the younger part of the company declared I being sent fifty miles out of town on had not executed the conditions, and re- shat day, by a counterfeit express from fused to surrender my wig; but the fa- a dying relation. ther, who has a rough kind of facetious- I could not help reflecting, with a ness about him, insisted on it's being de- figh, on the resemblance between the livered up; and protetted that he never imaginary grievance of poor Tom in the knew the Black Joke better performed in tragedy of Lear, and those which I his life.
really experienced, I, like him, was I am naturally a quiet inoffensive ani. led through ford and whirlpool, over mal, and not easily ruffled; yet I shall bog and quagmire; and though knives never submit to these indignities with were not laid under iny pillow, ininced parience, till I ain satisfied I deserve horse hair was strewed upon my sheets : them. Even the old maids of my ac- like him, I was made to ride on an quaintance, who, one would think, hard-trotting horse through the most might have a fellow-feeling for a brother dangerous ways, and found, at the end in distress, conspire with their nieces to of my journey, that I had only been harrass and torment me: and it is not courling my own ihadow. many nights fince Miss Diana Grizzle As much a sufferer as I am by the utterly spoiled the only superfine fuit I behaviour of the women in general, I have in the world, by pinning the skirts must not forget to remark, that the pertof it together with a red- hot poker. Iness and fauciness of an old maid is own, my resentment of this injury was particularly offensive to me. I cannot so strong, that I determined to punih it help thinking, that the virginity of these by kisling the offender, which in cool ancient milles is at least as ridiculous as blood I should never have attempted. my own celibacy. If I am to be conThe fatisfaction, however, which I obe deinned for having never made an offer, tained by this imprudent revenge, was they are as much to blame for having much like what a man of honour feels never accepted one: if I am to be deon finding himself run through the body rided for having never married, who by the scoundrel who had offended him. never attempted to make a conqueft; My upper lip was transfixar with a large
they are more properly the objects of decorkin pin which in thícuffle the had rition who are itill unmarried,' after conveyed into her mouth; and I doubt
having made lo many. Numberlels are not, that I fall carry the memorem la. the proposals they have rejected, accordbris notam (the mark of this Judas- ing to their own account: and they are kils) from an old maid to the grave with eternally boasting of the havock they
have formerly made among the knights, These misfortunes, or others of the baronets, and squires, at Bath, Tun. same kind, I encounter daily: but at bridge, and Eplom; while a tattered these feasons of the year, which give a madrigal perhaps, a snip of hair, or the San&tion to this kind of practical wit, portrait of a cherry-cheeked gentleman and when every man thinks he has a in a inilk-white periwig, are the only re
maining proofs of those beauties, which a woman will save herself all that trou. are now withered like the short-lived ble, whịch a wife of any spirit is ob. rose, and have only left the virgin thorn liged to take with an unruly husband, remaining.
who is absurd enough to expect from Believe me, Mr. Town, I am almost her a strict performance of the marriage afraid to trust you with the publication vow, even in the very minute article of of this epistle: the ladies, whom I last obedience: that, so far from contradiét. mentioned, will be foexasperated on read. ing a lady, I shall be mighty well saing it, that I must expect no quarter at
tisfied if she contents herself with contheir hands for the future; since they tradicting me: that, if I happen at any are generally as little inclined to for- time inadvertently to thwart her inclinagiveness in their old age, as they were tions, I shall think myself rightly served, to pity and compassion in their youth. if the boxes my ears, spits in my face, One expedient, however, is left me, or treads upon my corns: that if I apwhich, if put in execution, will effec- proach her lips, when she is not in a tually screen mę from their resentment. kisfing humour, I fall expect she will
I shall be happy, therefore, if by bite me by the nose; or, if I take her: your means I may be permitted to in- by the hand in an improper season, that form the ladies, that as fusty an animal the will instanıly begin to pinch, scratch, as they think me, it is not impossible but and claw, and apply her fingers to those by a little gentler treatment than I have purposes which they were certainly inhitherto met with, I may be humanized tended by nature to fulfil. Add to these into an husband. As an inducement accomplishments, so requisite to make to them to relieve me from my present the married itate happy, that I am not uneasy circumstances, you may affure much turned of fifty, can tie on my them, that I am rendered so exceeding cravat, faften a button, or mend an hole tractable by the very fevere discipline I in my stocking without any affittance. have undergone, that they may mould I am, Sir, and fashion me to their minds with ease; Your humble servant, and consequently, that by marrying me,
N° CXVI. THURSDAY, APRIL 15, 1756.
DESPICERE UNDE QUE AS ALIOS, PASSIMQUE VIDERL
THOSE parents who are unable ments; yet there is not'in all the king. the educating them to one of the three tion, to employ a tenth part of those great professions of Law, Physic, and who have been trained to engross deeds Divinity, as putting them in the high in their chambers, or to harangue at the road to acquire one. Hence it happens, bar: the number of patients bears no that nineteen parts out of twenty of our proportion to the swarms of the Faculyoung men are brought up with a view ty; nor would it, though a consultation to Lambeth, the Seals, or Warwick were to sit on every sick man, like car. Lane. But, alas! their hopes and ex- rion-flies upon a carcase: and the propectations of rising by their professions digious number of Reverend Divines in. are often frustrated; and the surprising finitely exceeds that of those bishopricks, numbers engaged in running the same deaneries, prehends, rectories, vicar. race, necessarily joftle one another. For ages, &c. which, when they are orthough the courts of justice are tolerably Jained, they conceive it to be part of supplied with matters of litigation'; their holy office to fill. From these frethough there are many invalids and va. quent failures in each of the professions, letudinarians; and though great part of the younger sons of great men often wish England is laid out in church prefers that they had been permitted to disgrace
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the family by some mercantile or more at any rate, within the pale of their res plebeian oceupation; while the son of spective employments. They have often the mechanic' curses the pride of his fa- been compelled, at least, to call in adther, who, instead of securing him a ventitious ones, and have sometimes to. livelihood in his own business, has con- tally abandoned their original underdemned him to starve in pudding-sleeves, takings. They have frequently made that he may do honour to his relations mutual transitions into the occupations by being a gentleman.
of each ot!ier, or have perhaps embraced The Three Professions being thus other employments; which, though difcrouded with more candidates for busi- tinct from all three, and not usually ness and preferment than can possibly dignified with the title of Professions, be employed or promoted, has occafion- may fairly be considered in that light; ed several irregularities in the conduct since they are the fole means of support of the followers of each of them. The
to many thousands, who toiled in vain utter impossibility of supporting theme for a subsistence in the three Capital selves in the usual method of practising Ones. On these Professions, and their Law, Physic, or Divinity, without clio various followers, I shall here make ents, patients, or parishioners, has in- fome observations. duced the labourers in each of those The first of these professions is an auvocations to seek out new veins and thor. The mart of literature is, indeeri, branches. The young Solicitor, who one of the chief resorts of unbencficed finds he has nothing to do, now he is Divines, and Lawyers and Physicians eut of his clerkthip, offers his aslistance, without practice. There are at present in the tranfaction of all law affairs, by in the world of Authors, Doctors of the public papers; and, like the a_lver- Phyfic, who (to use the phrase of one tiling tailors, promises to work chaper of them) have no great fatigue from thy any of his brethren; while the the business of their profesion : many yourg Barrister, after having exhibited Clergymen, whose sermons are the moit his tye-wig in Westminster Hall, dur- inconfiderable part of their compositions: ing leveral terms, to no purpose, is ob- and 'Teveral Gentlemen of the Inns of liged to forego the hope of rivalling Court, who, instead of driving the quill Murray and Coke, and content himself over skins of parchment, lead it through with being the oracle of the courts of all the mazis of modern novels, criCarolina or Jamaica. The Graduate in tiques, and pamphlets. Many likeMedicine, finding himself unfolicited wile have embraced this profession, who for prescription or advice, and likely to were never bred to any other': and I ftarve hy practising plıytic fecundùm might also mention the many bankrupt artem, ties in the face of the College, trulesmen and broken artificers, who and professes to cure all discafes by noj- daily enter into this new way of busitrums unmentioned in the difpenfatory: nels, if, by pursuing it in the fame meHe commences a thriving quack, and chanical manner as their former accufoon makes his way through the im- pations, they might not rather be reportant medical degrees of walking on garded as following a trade than a profoot, riding on horseback, dispenting fellion. his drugs from an one-horse chaise, and The second of these professions is a Jaitly lolling in a chariot. The Divine, Player. The ingenious gentlemen who without living, cure, or le&tureship, allume the persons of the Drama, are may perhaps incur transportation for il composed of as great a variety of chalegal marriages, set up a theatrical-ora.. racters as those they represent. The torical-Billingsgate chapel under the history of the Itage might afford many Shelter of the toleration-act and the instances of those, who in the trade of butchers of Clare Market, or kindle the death might have sain men, have yet inward light in the boroms of the Saints condescended to deal counterfeit flaughof Moor fields, and the Magdalens of ters from their right-hands, and admiBroad St. Giles's.
nister harmless phials and bowls of poiBut notwithstanding these shoots, in. fon. We might read also of persons, grafted, as it were, into the main body of whose fifts were intended to beat the the Professions, it is ftill impoffible for • drum ecclesiastic,' who have, with the vali mul:itude of Divines, Lawyers, unexpected fpirit, become theatrical voand Physicians, to maintain themselves, hunteers. In regard to the Law, many,