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when he flopped into my great chair, portunately on. How often have I been and prevented all the reverity I intended teazed to sing by a number of my intito treat him with, by being considerably mate acquaintance? and yet, the moment more severe upon himself.
I began, there was no possibility of con“ My dear'sir," says he, “ I am not cealing their disgust; they whispered one worth your anger ; advice is thrown another, gave a forced attention, or away "pon me; I fin aguint the con- lolled infipidly in their chairs, stroking viction of my own reafon, and am no the plaits of their ruffles, or playing leis an ubitinate puppy, than a ridicu. with the chain of their watch; then longlous fool. Why, lait night again, not. ing impatiently till I had finished, gave withstanding all my late resolutions, a faint bravo, and called out for a toast Dick Bumper only asked me a second from the next member in rotation; time to fup with a few friends at his whilst I fat frying the whole time, from house, and though I was very
fenfible a conscious incapacity to please, and a what the consequence might inevitably strange necessity of giving a general dif. prove, do you know that I had not satisfaction. fortitude enough to refuse him? At “ Perhaps, Sir, no custom in the four this morning we broke up, after world is so very dangerous or unpardonthe usual manner, heartily weary of each able as coafting; it levels all distinction in other, fatigued to death with our en. constitutions, and obliges a man, in an tertainment, and utterly dissatisfied with indifferent state of health, to drink as ourselves.
much as him that is blefled with the “ I wish, Sir, you would say some strength of a Hercules. It is the imthing on this subject, and point out the mediate parent of noise and intoxicamonitious absurdity which generally pre- tion; and, amongft people of the bett vails in a joyous evening. When a few sense, answers no other purpofe but to friends ineet together, inttead of indulgo leave them without any senfe at all. ing a rational convertation, you hear of " How prepofterous a notion is it, nothing but a tvast and a long : the my dear Sir, to fuppose our joyous foci. chairnran calls in turn upon every one eties ftimulated by the principles of true for his toast, and frequently puts us to benevalence or real e zem, when every a stand for the wunt of something spi.. man has a design upon the weak iress or rited and new.. In this dilemma, ob constitucion of his friend, and pushes scenity or proplanation is but too gee, the glass about for no other pnrpose neral a resource; and it is no uncomb. but to prejudice his health, and destroy mon thing to hear men, of reputed un- his underitanding! nay, when we make : derstanding, extol the name of fore it our chiefest glory to have drank hiina public protiture, and ridicnle the pre- out of all knowledge of order, all recepts of their God,
gard for himself, and all veneration for " The custom of every man's singing his God; when wę reduce him to a flate in turn, is itill considerably more ridi- of abfolute phrenzy and itupefaction, culous, and commonly as prophane. At and either expole him to the number any of these joyous meetings, even I, less quarrels attending the firft, or the who have a voice more disagreeable than multitude of accidents peculiar to the the grating of a gate upon hinges, and laft, of thele situations ---But, Sir, I want know no inore of music than a Hotten- to acquaint you with an aff'air of fonie tot, can never get excused; but mutt consequence." make myself ridiculous in attempting Here Harry hesitated; and here I postwhat I ain utterly incapable of, and dile pone the account of this affair till my turt the people who drive me most im
No XXIII. SATURDAY, JULY 16.
foregoing prper, and thew one of gence of ihe glass, at the most friendly the many thousand ill consequences of our general entertainments. which proceed froin the modern method The inatter of conlequence which my
nephew 'Harry wanted to acquaint me Bumper; wbich, for the greater ease of with, was the following note, which he my readers, I Mall set down as it wa receiy d from Mr. Bumper, (at whose spoken, inserting the name of the speaker houle he had spent the preceding even- at the fame time in the margin. ing) just as he was stepping out to chat half an hour with ine at iny chambers. Rattle. MR: Bumper, your moft obe
dient. I am come, pursuant TO H. RATTLE, ESQ ,
to a note you have honoured me with this morning, written in a very unex
pečted as well as extraordinary ftile, io LAST night you refused drinking know in what manner I have been un
Kitty Edwards, who was my toalt, happy enough to give you the least ofand on bat occafion offered several news fence. fathioned arguments in support of your Bumper. The question is utterly unbehaviour, which testified nothing more necessary, Mr. Raitle; the manner of ofthan a peculiarity of temper, but did no fending me is plainly enough declared very great credit to the acknowledged in my letter, and nothing remains now goodness of your understanding. Af- to be discused but the inotive. ter you had refused my tonit, no gentle- Rattle. This will not take us upmuch man in company once asked you to time, Sir; for, be assured, I had not the drink his, though all took notice of least motive for offending you at all. your unaccountable fingularity. The Bumper. This is very odd, Mr. Ratrezad I muit entertain for my own ho- tle! Why, then, did you retule niy nour, and the respect which is due to toaft? my friends, oblige ine to request an in- Rattle. Because I saw no reason terview at the Bedford by one, to de- why, if Mr. Bamper would disgrace mand an explanation of this affair, his underttanding, that I should offer a which I was last nigint hindered from palpable indignity to mine. I have enquiring into, by my fears of disturb, been too long the Nave of company and ing the con.pany and the confirleration custom; but, for the future, am determinof my own house. I am, Sir, your ed never to testify fo public a mark of humble lervant,
respect, as a toalt for any man or woRICHARD BUMPER., man who are juttly the universal objects
of detestation or contempt. To drink I had no sooner read the letter, than the health of a raical is an approbation Harry cried ouim You fee, Sir, the of his conduct; and a toast to the name • confequence of being an advocate of an infainous woman destroys any « for common sense. Here I must have merit that can dwell upon a glass, in 'my throat cut for refusing to drink compliment to a valuable one. • the health of an infamous Itrumpet; Bumper. These (with a fneer) cycor, in vindication of my conduct, cut nical sentiments may do very well ja • the thout of my friend. What would speculation, Mr. Rattle; but give me
you advise me to do? The time draws leave to affert, with all posible defe0}; and I would not have Mr. Bumper rence to the superiority of your boasted wait a moment for the univerle!' understanding, that the practice will be
Whiy, Harry,' says 1, .go instant- fomewhat difficult; and furthermore, "ly and hear what the gentleman has let me add, that you will be frequently stufay; but he sure remember that your lialle to explain this ridiculous devia• life is not to be set at lake for a glass tion from the general rules of company, • of wine, or an abandoned woman, little or reduced to a neceflity of keeping no s regard loever as Mr. Bumper may company at all. 'eiter ain for his; and, let matters Rattle. (briskly) And be affured,
turn out as they will, come back as Mr. Bumper, I never shall regret the • fcon as pullible, and tell me the conse. loss of that company which locks upon
quence of your interview.' Harry proc common sense as an enemy to ni's minth mieda punctuaisbfervance of my advice or institution. and request; and accordingly came back Bumper. But don't you think, Sir, in a couple of hours aftl, and shared the that the refutál of a toast
inay he justly lubltance of his conversion with Mr, confidered an actual dititinct to the giver? and that, upon that occafion, he impropriety of all toasting; for you has a right, by the rules of custom, to' might as well run methrough the body, call the refuser to an account?
for not falling in love with any woman Rattle. Sir, you may call any man to you think proper to mention, as he otan account when you will. But congider fended at iny refusing to drink her whether reason justifies or condemns health. The question is not to be dethe proceeding.-- Come, come, Mr. cided by the laws of custom, but by the Bumper, it is not for you and I to make rules of reason; and what a figure mult a serious affair of a trifle; I again repeat, a man make in any argument, where that I had no notion of offending you; he denies truth and understanding a li. and I fancy you can recollect initances berty to judge!--Upon the whole, Dick, enough where my veracity has not ad. if you are determined to cut my throat, mitted of a dispute. I am sorry to see you must: but do not commit an unyou so warm upon this occafion; but necessary murder to convince me of let me ask your heart, if it thinks the what I am already convinced, that you refusal of drinking a trumpet's health have spirit enough to resent a real injua crime that deserves the murder of your ry; nor seek out imaginary provocations friend?
to new how ready you would be in Bumper. Sir, it is not the disrespect chaftising an absolute affront, offered to her, but to myself.
Rattle. (interrupting) Then you Here the affair happily terminated much own that he is not worth quarrelling to the honour of both parties, who are now for; and yet make yourself so much a warmer friends than ever, and afford, part of her, as to run the moit extrava- by the propriety of their reconciliation, gint lengths in her defence.-My dear a sensible lesion to the giddily-spirited Bumper, you may fee from this the part of the public.
No XXIV. SATURDAY, JULY 23.
G Beems Tetween Vanity and mean
and the rectitude of our understandings. TO THE BABLER.
We suffer the most illiberal addresies to SUR,
be paid us, if they are but softened with REAT an opposition as there the words Angel and Goddess; and ad
mit a designing villain as often as he ness, yet, if we take but ever so cursory pleates into our presence, though we a view of the world, we shall find then know our ruin and disgrace are the only to be pretty general companions, and objeets of his pursuit, if he but prailes scarcely meet a single instance in which the colour of our hair, and tells us we There can be discovered any shadow of are poffefied of finer eyes than the rest exception. Ainong iny own tex par- of our acquaintance, In thort, Sir, ticularly, Mr. Babler, vanity is the pa. we are willing a man Mould think there rent of so many neannesies, that I am is a probability of our launching into actually surprized, when we endeavour infamy and prostitution, for the lake of to give ourselves molt contequence, that hearing our persons commended ; and we never perceive how we forfeit all the perfe&tly reconciled, while he treats us dignity we just before poffeffed; and in on a footing with the handsomeft wothe ridiculous attempt of arrogating men he may know, to bis thinking, our own iinportance, leave ourselves, in that in time he shall number us with the Thort, without any real importance at all.
A woman, Sir, whenever she is told This is never more the case, Sir, than of her beauty with a grave face, should when we listen to the solicitations of your first of all consider the purpose for which fex; and, for the sake of a despicablecom, the may be addressed in this manner, pliment to our teeth or our complexion, and refleet upon the motive which may overlook the unpardonable a front which actuate the person who profelles himself it generally conveys; and take no no. fo fenfible of her perfections. Nothing tice of the very poor opinion it infinu. is more dangerous than to suffer conates, both for the purity of our hearts, tinued repetitions of this stile; it gra
dually becomes more and more pleasing endure continual Mame in etvis world, to the ear; and there is, besides, too na- nor shrink at hazarding your eternal tural a promptitude in the female mind happiness in the next; but run at once to think favourably of those who seem to plunge a dagger into the breast of to think passionately of us. A language your father, and hurt an impious deof this naivre, therefore, thould be high. "fiance at the very throne of your iy alarming to our ears; for many a wo- God.' man, who thought hertelf impregnable, I had myself, Mr, Babler, lately two has, in a length of time, grown to en- or three lovers, who kindly sad very amoured' of her own praise, that the pretty things to my person; and, would could not poflibly exist without the per- you believe it, that one of them was a fon who administered it, and has at last married man ? This gentleman came made a surrender at discretion ; when, one day with all the ealy impudence in has the first of all capitulated on terms, life, and with as much componve as if the might have infitted on the very bett. he had been really performing a merito.
Let us only reduce the general ten- rious action, threw hinnfélf at my feet, dency of modern addrefles into plain and swore he could not live uniers I English, Mr. Babler, and ask the most pitied him. Had I a dagger, I believe! indiscreet of the sex, if they can, in their thould have stuck it in the villain's conscience, discover them to be a jot heart : however, assuming all the anger better than thisar Madam, I look up. I possibly could, in a face not naturally
on you as a fool, and one whom I the most placid, I mentioned fome • have a strong inclination to make a thoughts of paying a visit to his wife, • frumpet ; for which reason I intend which effectuaily banished him from my
to talk continually of your charms, presence without doing the smallest in"and, by facrificing in that manner to jury to his health, or disturbing in the
your vanity, I have no doubt but, in leart the usual serenity of his temper.
a few days, I thall bring you to an A lord next told me I was the most * utter disregard of morality and virtue, angelic piece of flesh and blood he had • to an absolute contempt of all the ever beheld; and folicited, in good ear
laudable sentiments which you have neft, that I would bless him with my been imbibing to many years, and a favourable opinion, but I had no fooner * total indifference for your own repu. talked of coronets on my coach, tirao the * tation, and the honour of your tex. truly honourable earl sneaked iritantly
As I think your wickedness equal to off, excufing himself on account of a * your folly, I beg, when I mention treaty then in agitation with Lady Berty • the word beauty, that you will prefer Squander.
the gratification of the man who is What you men think of us, Mr.
your greatest enemy, to the peace of Babler, I know not; nor, indeed, can I · those who are your unalterable friends; conceive what we women in general • nor hesitate a moment to break the think of ourselves: but of this I am ab• heart of a parent that tenderly loves Solutely certain, that while we continue
you, to please an infamous scoundrel fo intolerably vain, we muit be liable to who labours for your everlasting dis- an infinity of meannefles; and that the
grace. In short, Madam, I expect, furest way for any woman to be uudene, • in return for a paltry compliment to is to think there is nobody comparable
your person, that you scruple not to to herself.
No XXV. SATURDAY, JULY 30.
coffry to form a matrimonial fe- dent parent iron beltowing lis daughn licity, a parity of ages may posibly be ter's hand whce there was not some the very first; and if we were to take a cquelity of years; anu ar kast a probanice survey of the various dispropor- bility that her region would in time re. tioned matches which unhappily might concile her to a hibadh, perhaps, be found within the Weekly Bills, the might not at firii be the object of her endless anxieties íublikog beoween each, choice.
I am very well aware that many a care. enjoyments as are naturally repugnant ful father, and antiquated lover, will be to the sentiments, as well as the infirapt to exclaim againit this affertion : the mities, of crazy fourscore. The fituafirtt, from an economical consideration tion of such a couple is easily imagined; of the main chance; and the lacter, from a the lady must be continually unhappy natural infenfibility which every man en. at being thus debarred, after the facritertains for his own imperfections and fice me has made, from every enterinfirmities. But could the one be brought tainment suitable to her temper and her to a belief that wealth, at the best of years; and the gentleman as constantly times, is a very precarious foundation miserable at poffefling an impotent aufor happiness ; and the other be only thority, productive of nothing but eterprevailed upon to throw self aside for a nal fufpicions of her conduct, and the moment or two, extraordinary as the sharperit reflections on his own. poßtion may seem on a partial confider- It is in vain to expect that the rectie ation ; both would nevertheless allow it tude of a woman's education, thus cirto be of no little force.
cumstanced, or the excellence of her unCasual averfions may be lessened, derstanding, will be a means of proin time, by an invariable tenderness, curing even a tolerable tranquillity or and an unexceptionable conduct in a content; the more understanding me husband. Perfonal defects, hy being ha- possesses, the more he must despise the bitual to the eye, gradually leffen on Telf. interested dotard, who was utterly the imagination, and, by an uninter. regardless of her inclinations; who, in rupted familiarity, very frequently cease all probability, used his utmost influence to be disagreeable, much more continue with a misguided and inexorable pato give perpetual disgust: but a dif- rent, to tear her from some deserving parity of years is an obitacle never to be young fellow on whom her soul was una Turmounted; every day gives it an ad- alterably fixed; and, perhaps, had her ditional force; and, contrary to the ge- dragged to the bridal bed, like another * Deral nature of all other evils, (for in this Niobe, Atiffening into horror, or discase we must inevitably call it an evil) Solving in her tears. instead of being mitigated by the lenient In a situation of this nature, how a hand of time, it becomes every moment man can be weak enough to look for more and more incapable of alleviation tenderness or affection from any young or cure.
lady, is to me a miracle : nor am I less Bui, besides the long train of dif. furprized how he can think of exciting agreeable reflections which the bare cir. her gratitude, by indulging her in tisumstance of age is of itself capable of vial points, when he has so infamously exciting in the bofum of any young wo. injured her in the most capital of all'; man, the innumerable lift of diseases, ber everlasting hatred and abhorrence wbich are ii's inseparable attendants, are the only returns he can reafonably occasion ftill tronger averhon ; and, in look for; and if there is a possibility for reality, a young lady has but too much her to view him with dels tban an in. ground for anxiety and distress when the fuperable contempt, I am satisfied he confiders herself as a sacrifice to some mult look upon her as a creature utterly venerabledotard; and, instead of the rea- divested of sensibility and soul, and view Sopable pleasures The might justly pro- her with an absolute contempt himself. mise herself upon entering the world as An infinity of reasons might be urged a wife, fees nothing before her but the against the disparity of age in matrimo. gloomy prospect of becoming a nurse to nial connections ; but as I have lately an emaciated wre:ch, worn away with received a story on this fubjeét which the consequences of juvenile intempe- will set this affair in a stronger light rance, and absolutely dying with gouts, than a volume of declamatory argupalfies, rheumatisins, coughs, and ca. ments, I Mall conclude the subje&t for tarris.
the present with this observation, that Contradictions so very opposite as ex- he who marries a woman whom he treme youth and age, there is hardly a knows has an attachment for another possibility of reconciling. A Ene spright- man, must look for wretchedness; and ly girl, of nineteen or twenty, must na. he that marries a woman contrary to turally wish for amusements adapted to her inclination, in reality deserves it. her time of life, and languih for such