I said, 'Is Truth, then, nothing, because it is not diffused through space, finite or infinite?' And Thou criedst to me from afar: 'Yea, verily, I Am that I Am.' And I heard, as the heart heareth, nor had I room to doubt; and I should sooner doubt that I live, than that Truth is not, which is clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made.-Conf. vii. c. 10.

I

IX.

HAD supposed that the reason why I delayed from day to day to give up worldly aims and follow Thee only, was that there did not appear anything certain whither to direct my course. And now the day was come in which I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to upbraid me. 'Where art thou now, my tongue? Thou saidst, that for an uncertain truth thou wert not willing to cast off the heavy load of vanity. See now it is made certain, and yet that burden still

oppresses thee, while they who have not so worn themselves out with seeking it, nor have spent ten years and more in thinking on it, have had their shoulders lightened, and gotten wings to fly away.' Thus was I fretted within, and quite confounded with a misery of shame, while Pontitianus was relating these things.* When he had finished his story and the business he came for, he went his way. And what did I not say to myself within myself! With what strokes of rebuke did I not Scourge my soul to make it follow me in my struggle to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; it refused, but made no excuse. All its arguments were spent and confuted. There remained a silent trepidation; and it feared as much as death to be restrained from the flow of that indulgence by which it was wasting to death. Then, in this great strife of my inner dwell

About Antony, the founder of Monachism, and some who imitated him.

ing, which I had stirred up between me and my soul in the chamber of my heart, troubled in mind and countenance, I turned upon Alypius. 'What ails us?' I exclaimed. 'What is this? What have you heard? The unlearned start up and take heaven by storm, while we, with all our learning, void of heart, see where we wallow in flesh and blood! Are we ashamed to follow because others have gone before us? and not ashamed that we do not so much as follow?' Some such words I uttered, and my fever of mind tore me away from him, while he gazed on me in silent astonishment; for I did not speak in my usual tone, and my brow, cheeks, eyes, colour, voice, expressed my emotion more plainly than my words. Our lodging had a little garden to it, which we had the use of, as we had of the whole house; for the owner, our landlord, did not live there. Thither had the tumult of my heart hurried me, where no one might interrupt the hot contest in which

I was engaged with myself, until it came to the end that Thou knewest, though I did not. But I was distracted with a healthful madness, and dying that I might live; knowing the evil thing I was, but not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become. Into the garden, then, I retired, Alypius following my steps; for my seclusion was none the less complete for his presence; and how could he forsake me in my trouble? We sat down as far removed as we could from the house. I was groaning in spirit, being most impatient with myself that I entered not into Thy will and covenant, O my God! which all my bones cried out to me to enter, and extolled it to the skies. And it was not to be entered by ships, or carriages, or feet; no! nor by pacing the distance I had come from the house to the spot where we were sitting. For not going only, but entering there, was nothing else than to will to go; but to will it resolutely and thoroughly, not to turn and toss, this way and that, a

maimed and divided will, struggling, with one part falling as another rose.

Thus was I sick at heart and tormented, accusing myself much more bitterly than I had been used to do, and turning and twisting in my chain, until the whole of it-by which, slight though the tie was, I still was held-was broken to pieces. And Thou, O Lord, didst press upon me in my inward parts with merciful severity, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and that same slight remaining tie, not being snapped asunder, should recover strength, and bind me the faster. For I said in myself, 'Let it be done now! let it be done now!' And with the word I all but came to a resolve: I all but did so, yet I did it not. .

The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my old pleasures, still kept hold of me; they plucked my fleshly garments and whispered softly, 'Dost thou cast us off? And from that moment shall we no