Sir Guy the Crusader

Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason,
For beauty so bright

Sent him mad with delight;

He purchased a stall for the season

And sat in it every night.

His views were exceedingly proper,
He wanted to wed,

So he called at her shed

And saw her progenitor whop her-
Her mother sit down on her head.

"So pretty," said he, "and so trusting! You brute of a dad,

You unprincipled cad,

Your conduct is really disgusting,

Come, come, now admit it's too bad!

"You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignantYour daughter Lenore

I intensely adore,

And I cannot help feeling indignant,

A fact that I hinted before;

To see a fond father employing
A deuce of a knout

For to bang her about,

To a sensitive lover's annoying."

Said the bagman, "Crusader, get out."

Says Guy, "Shall a warrior laden

With a big spiky knob

Sit in peace on his cob,

While a beautiful Saracen maiden
Is whipped by a Saracen snob?

"To London I'll go from my charmer." Which he did, with his loot

(Seven hats and a flute),

And was nabbed for his Sydenham armour
At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit.

645

Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter;
Her pa, in a rage,

Died (don't know his age);

His daughter she married the prompter,
Grew bulky and quitted the stage.

W. S. Gilbert.

KITTY WANTS TO WRITE

KITTY wants to write! Kitty intellectual!

What has been effectual to turn her stockings blue? Kitty's seventh season has brought sufficient reason, She has done 'most everything that there is left to do! Half of them to laugh about and half of them to rue,Now we wait in terror for Kitty's wildest error. What has she to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!

Kitty wants to write! Débutante was Kitty,
Frivolous and witty as ever bud that blew.
Kitty lacked sobriety, yet she ran society,

A leader whom the chaperons indulged a year or two;
Corner-men, eligibles, dancing-dolls she knew,-
Kitty then was slighted, ne'er again invited;
What has she to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!

Kitty wants to write! At the Social Settlement
Girls of Kitty's mettle meant a mission for a few;
Men to teach the classes, men to mould the masses,
Men to follow Kitty to adventures strange and new.
Some of her benevolence was hidden out of view!-
A patroness offended, Kitty's slumming ended.
What is there to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!

Kitty wants to write! Kitty was a mystic,
Deep from cabalistic lore many hints she drew!
Freaks of all description, Hindoo and Egyptian,
Prattled in her parlor-such a wild and hairy crew!
Many came for money, and one or two to woo-
Kitty's pet astrologer wanted to acknowledge her!
What has she to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!

Dighton Is Engaged

Kitty wants to write! Kitty was a doctor;

647

Nothing ever shocked her, though they hazed a little, too! Kitty learned of medicos how a heart unsteady goes, Besides a score of secrets that are secrets still to you. Kitty's course in medicine gave her many a clueMuch of modern history now is less a mystery. What has she to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!

Kitty wants to write! Everybody's writing!

Won't it be exciting, the panic to ensue?

We who all have known her, think what we have shown her! Read it in the magazines! Which half of this is true? Where did she get that idea? Is it him, or who?— Kitty's wretched enemies now will learn what venom is! What has she to write about? Wheeeeeeeeew!

Gelett Burgess.

DIGHTON IS ENGAGED!

DIGHTON is engaged! Think of it and tremble!
Two-and-twenty ladies who have known him must dissemble;
Two-and-twenty ladies in a panic must repeat,

"Dighton is a gentleman; will Dighton be discreet?"
All the merry maidens who have known him at his best
Wonder what the girl is like, and if he has confessed.
Dighton the philanderer, will he prove a slanderer?
A man gets confidential ere the honeymoon has sped-
Dighton was a rover then, Dighton lived in clover then;
Dighton is a gentleman-but Dighton is to wed!

Dighton is engaged! Think of it, Corinna!
Watch and see his fiancée smile on you at dinner!
Watch and hear his fiancée whisper, "That's the one?"
Try and raise a blush for what you said was only fun."
Long have you been wedded; have you then forgot?
If you have, I'll venture that a certain man has not!
Dighton had a way with him; did you ever play with him?

Now that dream is over and the episode is dead.

Dighton never harried you after Charlie married you; Dighton is a gentleman-but Dighton is to wed!

Dighton is engaged! Think of it, Bettina!

Did you ever love him when the sport was rather keener?
Did you ever kiss him as you sat upon the stairs?
Did you ever tell him of your former love affairs?
Think of it uneasily and wonder if his wife
Soon will know the amatory secrets of your life!

Dighton was impressible, you were quite accessible-
The bachelor who marries late is apt to lose his head.
Dighton wouldn't hurt you; does it disconcert you?
Dighton is a gentleman-but Dighton is to wed!

Dighton is engaged! Tremble, Mrs. Alice!

When he comes no longer will you bear the lady malice? Now he comes to dinner, and he smokes cigars with Clint, But he never makes a blunder and he never drops a hint; He's a universal uncle, with a welcome everywhere,

He adopts his sweetheart's children and he lets 'em pull his hair.

Dighton has a memory bright and sharp as emery,

He could tell them fairy stories that would make you rather

red!

Dighton can be trusted, though; Dighton's readjusted,

though!

Dighton is a gentleman-but Dighton is to wed!

Gelett Burgess.

PLAIN LANGUAGE FROM TRUTHFUL JAMES

TABLE MOUNTAIN, 1870

WHICH I wish to remark

And my language is plain-
That for ways that are dark,

And for tricks that are vain,

The heathen Chinee is peculiar,

Which the same I would rise to explain.

Plain Language from Truthful James

Ah Sin was his name;

And I will not deny

In regard to the same

What that name might imply;

But his smile it was pensive and childlike,
As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye.

It was August the third;

And quite soft was the skies: Which it might be inferred

That Ah Sin was likewise;

Yet he played it that day upon William
And me in a way I despise.

Which we had a small game,
And Ah Sin took a hand.

It was Euchre. The same

He did not understand;

But he smiled as he sat by the table,

With a smile that was childlike and bland.

Yet the cards they were stocked

In a way that I grieve,

And my feelings were shocked

At the state of Nye's sleeve:

Which was stuffed full of aces and bowers,
And the same with intent to deceive.

But the hands that were played
By that heathen Chinee,

And the points that he made,

Were quite frightful to see

Till at last he put down a right bower,
Which the same Nye had dealt unto me.

Then I looked up at Nye,

And he gazed upon me;

And he rose with a sigh,
And said, "Can this be?

We are ruined by Chinese cheap labour-"
And he went for that heathen Chinee.

649