Acres O Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia! Odds balls and barrels! say no more - I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words Zounds! has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast. as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds. Sir Lucius - Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case: these things should always be done civilly. Acres I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius,-I must be in a rage. Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. [Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red! Indite, I say indite! How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however. Come, here's pen and paper. Sir Lucius - Pray compose yourself. Acres - Come, now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin with a "damme." Sir Lucius-Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now. "Sir-» Sir Lucius - "To prevent the confusion that might arise Sir Lucius- "From our both addressing the same lady—» Acres Ay, there's the reason—“same lady": well Sir Lucius-"I shall expect the honor of your company-> Acres - Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner. Sir Lucius- Pray be easy. >> Acres-Well then, "honor of your company —» Sir Lucius-"To settle our pretensions—" Sir Lucius-Let me see: ay, King's-Mead Fields will do—" in King's-Mead Fields." Acres So, that's done. Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest - a hand and a dagger-shall be the seal. Sir Lucius - You see how this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you. Acres Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding. Sir Lucius Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time. Take my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow. Acres Very true. Sir Lucius So I shall see nothing more of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening. I would do myself the honor to carry your message; but to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman to call him out. Acres By my valor, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson. Sir Lucius I shall be very proud of instructing you. Well, for the present — but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do everything in a mild and agreeable manner. Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword. [Exeunt severally. THE DUEL From the Rivals' Scene: King's-Mead Fields, Bath. Enter Sir Lucius O'Trigger and Acres with pistols. A CRES By my valor! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds levels and aims! I say it is a good dis tance. Sir Lucius Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me. Stay now I'll show you. [Measures paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance-a pretty gentleman's distance. Acres-Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim. Sir Lucius - Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of sight! Acres No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eightand-thirty yards— Sir Lucius - Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile. Acres - Odds bullets, no!- by my valor! there is no merit in killing him so near: do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot; -a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me! Sir Lucius - Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that. But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or commission I could execute for you? Acres I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius, but I don't understand Sir Lucius-Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk; and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it—I say it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters. Sir Lucius - For instance, now - if that should be the case would you choose to be pickled and sent home? or would it be the same to you to lie here in the Abbey ? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey. Acres - Pickled! Snug lying in the Abbey! Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't talk so! Sir Lucius-I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind before? Acres No, Sir Lucius, never before. Sir Lucius-Ah! that's a pity!- there's nothing like being. used to a thing. Pray now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot? Acres Odds files! I've practiced that-there, Sir Lucius there. [Puts himself in an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways. Sir Lucius-Now you're quite out; for if you stand so when I take my aim [Leveling at him. Acres-Zounds! Sir Lucius- are you sure it is not cocked? Sir Lucius-Never fear. Acres But-but-you don't know own head! Sir Lucius. - it may go off of its Pho! be easy. Well, now, if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance: for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on the left! Sir Lucius - But there-fix yourself so: [placing him] let him see the broad-side of your full front-there now a ball or two may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all. Acres Clean through me!-a ball or two clean through me! Sir Lucius - Ay, may they; and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain. Acres - Look'ee! Sir Lucius- I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valor! I will stand edgeways. Sir Lucius [looking at his watch] - Sure they don't mean to disappoint us-hah!-no, faith, I think I see them coming. Acres Hey! - what! - coming! Sir Lucius - Ay. Who are those yonder getting over the stile ? Acres There are two of them indeed! Well- let them come -hey, Sir Lucius! Sir Lucius - Run! we we we-we-won't run. Acres No—I say - we won't run, by my valor! Acres-Nothing-nothing-my dear friend- my dear Sir Lucius — but —I—I—I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did. - Sir Lucius -O fie! Consider your honor. Acres Ay-true-my honor. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then about my honor. Sir Lucius-Well, here they're coming. [Looking. Acres Sir Lucius - if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was afraid. If my valor should leave me! Valor will come and go. Sir Lucius - Then pray keep it fast, while you have it. Acres Sir Lucius- I doubt it is going-yes- my valor is certainly going! It is sneaking off! I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my hands! Sir Lucius -Your honor-your honor! Here they are. now - that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or .could be shot before I was aware! Sir Lucius Enter Faulkland and Captain Absolute Gentlemen, your most obedient. Hah! what, Captain Absolute! So I suppose, sir, you are come here just like myself: to do a kind office, first for your friend, then to proceed to business on your own account. Acres-What-Jack!-my dear Jack!-my dear friend! XXIII-834 13330 Absolute-Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand. Sir Lucius- Well, Mr. Acres-I don't blame your saluting the gentleman civilly. [To Faulkland.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you'll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the ground. Faulkland-My weapons, sir! Acres Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland: these are my particular friends. Sir Lucius-What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres? Faulkland-Not I, upon my word, sir. Sir Lucius-Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be so cantankerous as to spoil the party by sitting out. Absolute-Oh pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius. Faulkland- Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter— Acres No, no, Mr. Faulkland: I'll bear my disappointment like a Christian.- Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone. Sir Lucius-Observe me, Mr. Acres I must not be trifled with. You have certainly challenged somebody, and you came here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to represent him I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same thing. Acres - Why, no, Sir Lucius: I tell you 'tis one Beverley I've challenged a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face! If he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly! Absolute-Hold, Bob-let me set you right: there is no such man as Beverley in the case. The person who assumed that name is before you; and as his pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you please. Sir Lucius-Well, this is lucky. Now you have an opportunity Acres - What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute ? Not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds, Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural! Sir Lucius-Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valor has oozed away with a vengeance! |