Old F. No jesting, sir; this is no laughing matter. Your follies have tired me out. I verily believe you have taken the whole round of arts and sciences in a month, and have been of fifty different minds in half an hour. Tri. And, by that, shown the versatility of my genius. Old F. Don't tell me of versatility, sir. Let me see a little steadiness. You have never yet been constant to anything bu extravagance. Tri. Yes, sir, one thing more. Old F. What is that, sir? Tri. Affection for you. However my head may have wan dered, my heart has always been constantly attached to the kindest of parents; and, from this moment, I am resolved to lay my follies aside, and pursue that line of conduct which will be most pleasing to the best of fathers and of friends. Old F. Well said, my boy-well said! You make me happ. indeed. (Patting him on the shoulder.) Now, then, my dear Tristram, let me know what you really mean to do. Tri. To study the law Old F. The law! Tri. I am most resolutely bent on following that profession. Old P. No! Tri. Absolutely and irrevocably fixed. Old F. Better and better. I am overjoyed. Why, 't is the very thing I wished. Now I am happy! (Tristram makes gestures as if speaking.) See how his mind is engaged! Tri. Gentlemen of the jury Old F. Why, Tristram Tri. This is a cause Old F. Oh, my dear boy! I forgive you all your tricks. 1 see something about you now that I can depend on. (Tristram continues making gestures.) Tri. I am for the plaintiff in this cause Old. F. Bravo! bravo!-excellent boy! I'll go and order your books directly. Tri. 'Tis done, sir. Old F. What, already? Tri. I ordered twelve square feet of books when I first thought of embracing the arduous profession of the law. Old F. What, do you mean to read by the foot? Tri. By the foot, sir; that is the only way to become a sclid lawyer. Old F. Twelve square feet of learning! Tri. I have likewise sent for a barber · Well Old F. A barber! What, is he to teach you to shave close! Tri. He is to shave one half of my head, sir. Old F. You will excuse me if I cannot perfectly understand what that has to do with the study of the law. Tri. Did you never hear of Demosthenes, sir, the Athenian orator? He had half his head shaved, and locked himself up in a coal-cellar. Old F. Ah! he was perfectly right to lock himself up after having undergone such an operation as that. He certainly would have made rather an odd figure abroad. Tri. I think I see him now, awaking the dormant patriotism of his countrymen-lightning in his eye, and thunder in his voice; he pours forth a torrent of eloquence, resistless in its force; the throne of Philip trembles while he speaks; he denounces, and indignation fills the bosom of his hearers; he exposes the impending danger, and every one sees impending ruin; he threatens the tyrant - they grasp their swords; he calls for vengeance-their thirsty weapons glitter in the air, and thousands reverberate the cry. One soul animates a nation, and that soul is the soul of the orator. Old F. Oh! what a figure he'll make in the King's Bench? But, come, I will tell you now what my plan is, and then you will see how happily this determination of yours will further it. You have (Tristram makes extravagant gestures, as if speaking) often heard me speak of my friend Briefwit, the barrister Tri. Who is against me in this cause Old F. He is a most learned lawyer — Old F. Zounds! he does n't hear a word I say! Why, Tris tram! Tri. I beg your pardon, sir; I was prosecuting my studies. Old F. Now, attend Tri. As my learned friend observes attention. Old F. Well, my friend the counselor Go on, sir, I am all Tri. Say learned friend, if you please, sir. We gentlemen of the law always Old F. Well, well- my learned friend Tri. A black patch! Old F. Will you listen, and be silent? Tri. I am as mute as a judge. Old F. My friend, I say, has a ward, who is very handsome, and who has a very handsome fortune. She would make you a charming wife. Tri. This is an action-- Old F. Now, I have hitherto been afraid to introduce you to my friend, the barrister, because I thought your lightness and his gravity Tri. Might be plaintiff and defendant. Old F. But now you are grown serious and steady, and have resolved to pursue his profession, I will shortly bring you together you will obtain his good opinion, and all the rest follows of course. Tri. A verdict in my favor. Old F. You marry and sit down, happy for life. Tri. In the King's Bench. Old F. Bravo! Ha, ha, ha! But now run to your study run to your study, my dear Tristram, and I'll go and call upon the counselor. Tri. I remove by habeas corpus. Old F. Pray have the goodness to make haste, then. (Hur rying him off.) Tri. Gentlemen of the jury, this is a cause—(Exit.) Old F. The inimitable boy! I am now the happiest father living. What genius he has! He'll be lord chancelor one day or other, I dare be sworn. I am sure he has talents! Oh, how I long to see him at the bar! ALL NGHAM THE IRISH SERVANT. DOCTOR WISEPATE-THADY O'KEEN -ROBERT. 'Doctor Wisepate, in a morning-gown and velvet night-cap, discovered at a table at breakfast. A wig-box near him, lying open.) Dr. W. Plague on her ladyship's ugly cur!-it has broke three bottles of bark that I had prepared myself for Lord Spleen. I wonder Lady Apes troubled me with it. But I understand it threw down her flower-pots and destroyed all her myrtles. I'd send it home this minute, but I'm unwilling to offend its mistress; for, as she has a deal of money, and no relation, she may think proper to remember me in her will. (Noise within.) Eh! what noise is that in the hall? (Enter Thady O'Keen, dirty and wet, followed by Robert.) T. O'K. But I must and will, do you see. Very pretty, Indeed, keeping people standing in the hall, shivering and shaking with the wet and cold! Rob. The mischief's in you, I believe; you order me about as if you were my master. Dr. W. Why, what's all this! who is this unmannerly fel low? T. O'K. There! your master says you are an unmanner.5 fellow. Rob. Sir, it's Lady Ape's servant: he has a letter, and says he won't deliver it into any one's hands but your honor's. Now, I warrant my master will teach you better behavior. (Exit.) T. OK. Oh, are you sure you are Doctor Wisepate? T. O'K. Och! plague on my hat, how wet it is! (Shakes his hat about the room, &c.) Dr. W. (lays his spectacles down and rises from the table.) Zounds! fellow, do n't wet my room in that manner! T. O'K. Eh! Well-Oh, I beg pardon - there 's the letter: and since I must not dry my hat in your room, why, as you particularly desire it, I will go down to the kitchen, and dry it and myself before the fire. (Goes out.) Dr. W. Here, you, sir, come back. I must teach him better manners. (Re-enter Thady O'Keen.) Hark you, fellow whom do you live with? T. O'K. Whom do I live with? why, with my mistress, to be sure, Lady Apes. Dr. W. And pray, sir, how long have you lived with her ladyship? T. O'K. How long? Ever since the first day she hired me. Dr. W. And has her ladyship taught you no better manners? T. O'K. Manners? she never taught me any, good or bad. Dr. W. Then, sir, I will; I'll show you how you should address a gentleman when you enter a room. What's your name? T. O'K. Name?- why, its Thady O'Keen, my jewel. What in wonder is he going to do with my name! (Aside.) Dr. W. Then, sir, you shall be Dr. Wisepate for a while, and I'll be Thady O'Keen, just to show you how you should enter a room and deliver a letter. T. O'K. Eh! what? make a swap of ourselves! With al my heart. Here's my wet hat for you. Dr. W. There, sit down in my chair. (Going.) T. O'K. Stop, stop, honey-by my soul you can never be Thady O'Keen, without you have this little shillelagh in your fist. There. Dr. W. Very well Sit you down. (Takes Thaly's hat, &c. and goes out.) T. O'K (solus). Let me see; I can never be a doctor either, without some sort of a wig. Oh, here is one and here is my spectacles, faith. On my conscience, I'm the thing! (Puts on the wig awkwardly, and the spectacles: then sits in the doctor's chair. Dr. Wisepate knocks.) Walk in, honey. (Helps himself to chocolate, and bread and butter.) (Re-enter Dr. Wisepate, bowing.) Dr. W. Please your honor―(Aside.) — What assurance the fellow has! T. O'K. Speak out, young man, and do n't be bashful. (Eating, &c.) Dr. W. Please your honor, my lady sends her respectful compliments - hopes your honor is well. -- T. O'K. Pretty well, pretty well, I thank you. Dr. W. And has desired me to deliver your honor this letter. T. O'K. That letter, well, why don't you bring it to me? Pray, am I to rise from the table? Dr. W. So, he 's acting my character with a vengeance. But I'll umor him. (Aside.) There, your honor. (Gives the letter boring.) T. O'K. (Opens the letter and reads.) "Sir: Since my dear Flora has given you so much uneasiness Och, by my shoul, that's no lie- I beg leave to inform you that a gentleman shall call either to-day or to-morrow for her. If it should rain, I request the poor thing may have a— what's this? - Coa coat!-coat! no coach. Yours."Hem ! well no answer 's required, young man. Dr. W. His impudence has struck me almost dumb. (Asıde.) No answer, your honor? T. O'K. No, my good fellow-but come here- let me look at you. Oh, you seem very wet. Why it's you, I understand, who brought this troublesome cur a few days ago: you have been often backward and forward, but I could never see you till now. Halloo, Robert! where 's my lazy good-for-nothing servant? Robert! (Rings a bell.) Dr. W. Eh! what the deuce does he mean? (Aside.) (Enter Robert, who stares at them both.) RE. Eh!-Did-did you call, sir? (To Dr Wisepate.) T. O'K. Yes, sirrah! Take that poor fellow down to the kitchen; he's come upon a foolish errand this cold, wet day; so, do you see, give him something to eat and drink as much as he likes and bid my steward give him a guinea for his trouble. Rob. Eh! T. O'K. Thunder and ouns, fellow ! must I put my words into |