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Mor. Youth! riches ! poor idiot! Health, too! What is man but a walking hospital ? You, boy! you, little as you suspect it, include within yourself a whole pharmacopæia of malady and mischief!
Chev. Zounds! he'll persuade me presently I am Pandora's box!
Mor. So you are.
Mor. True, or I should take the shortest way to get rid of misery, and instantly go hang myself.
Chev. What a picture!
you can. Chev. Why, I am but a young artist ; however, I can dash my brush at the canvas as daringly as you have done. So, what think you of mirth, songs, and smiles; youth, beauty, and kisses; friendship, liberty, and love; with a large capacious soul of benevolence, that can soothe the afllicted, succor the poor, heal the sick, instrnct the ignorant, honor the wise, reform the bad, adore the good, and hug genius and virtue to the heart?
Mor. Every feature a lie!
Chev. Excuse me! but I say the likeness is, at least, as good as yours : and I am sure the coloring is infinitely more delightful.--But guardy, I want money.
Mor. What, to purchase destruction wholesale ?
Chev. I have five hundred good, wicked, spirited, famous projects on hand. You have seventeen thousand pounds of mine, hard cash: I want it
Mor. Seventeen thousand plagues !
Chev. Locked up? Oh, fun and frolic! I'll unlock it. I'll send honest Grime to ye; he carries a master key.
Mor. Have you no regard to my convenience ?
Chev. I'll pay the premium; and if you want security, you may have mine. I must have money. The world must hear
I'll be a patron, and a subscriber, and a collector, and an amateur, and a connoisseur, and a dilettante! I'll hunt, I'll race, I'll dice! I'll grub, plant, plan, and improve! I'll buy a stud, fell a forest, build a palace, and pull down a church! (Exit.)
Mor. Mr. Cheveril–He is flown! Why, ay, with spirits equally wild, wanton, and ignorant of evil, I began my career. I have now lived long enough to discover that universal nature is universal agony.
Colonel Arden was preparing to take a splendid house in London, and had ordered his
servant to look out for a firstrate cook for his new establishment. When Rissolle was introduced, the colonel was puzzled to find out what could be his particular profession. lle saw a remarkably gentlemanly-looking man, his well-tied neckcloth, his well-trimmed whiskers, his white kid gloves, his glossy hat, his massive gold chain, to which was suspended a repeater, all pronouncing the man of ton; and when the servant announced the ring-tingered gentleman before him as willing to dress a dinner on trial, for the purpose of displaying luis shill, he was thunderstruck.
Colonel. Do I mistake? I really beg pardon—it is fiftyeight years since I learned French-am I speaking to a-acook ?
Rissolle. Oui, Monsieur, I believe I have de first reputation in de profession; I live four years wiz de marquee de Chester, and Je me flatte dat if I had not turn him off last months, I should have supervise his cuisine at dis moment.
Col. Oh, you have discharged the marquis, sir?
Ris. Oui, mon col-o-nel, I discharge him, because he cast affront upon me, insupportable to an artist of sentiment.
Ris. Mon col-o-nel, de marquee had de mauvais gout, one day, when he have large partie to dine, to put salt into de soup, before all de compagnie.
Col. Indeed! and may I ask is that considered a crime, sir, in your code?
Ris. I don't know cod; you mean morue ? dat is salt enough widout.
Col. I don't mean that, sir. I ask, is it a crime for a gentleman to put more salt into his soup?
Ris. Not a crime, mon col-o-nel, mais it would be de ruin of me, as cook, should it be known to de world. So I told his lordship I must leave him, for de butler had said, dat he saw his lordship put de salt into de soup, which was proclamation to de univairse, dat I did not know de proper quantite of salt for season my soup.
Col. And you left his lordship for that?
Ris. Oui, sare, his lordship gave me excellent charactair. I go afterwards to live wiz my lor Trefoil, very respectable man, my lor, of good family, and very honest man, I believebut de king, one day, made him his governor in Ireland, and I found I could not live in dat deveel Dublin.
Ris. No, mon col-o-nel, it is a fine city, good place—but
Col. How shocking! and you left his excellency on that account?
Ris. Oui, mon col-o-nel.
Col. Why, his excellency managed to live there without an opera.
Ris. Yes, mon col-o-nel, c'est vrai, but I tink he did not know dare was none when he took de place. I have de charactair from
my lord to state why I leave him. Col. And, pray sir, what wages do you expect ?
Ris. Wages! Je n'entend pas, mon col-o-nel ; do you mean de stipend—de salaire ?
Col. As you please.
Ris. My lord Trefoil give to me seven hundred pounds a year, my wine, and horse and tilbury, wid small tigre for him.
Col. Small what! sir?
Ris. Exclusive of de pastry, mon col-o-nel, I never touch dat department, but I have de honor to recommend Jenkin, my sister's husband, for de pastry, at five hundred pounds and his wine. Oh, Jenkin is dog a sheap at dat, mon col-o-nel.
Col. Oh, exclusive of pastry!
Col. Which is to be obtained for five hundred pounds a year additional. Why, sir, the rector of my parish, a clergyman and a gentleman, with an amiable wife and seven children, has but half that sum to live upon.
Ris. Poor clergie! mon col-o-nel. (Shrugging his shoulders.) I pity your clergie ! But den you don't considare de science and experience dat it require to make de soup, de omelette
Col. The mischief take your omelette, sir. Do you mean seriously and gravely to ask me seven hundred pounds a year for your services.
Ris. Oui, vraiment, mon col-o-nel. (Taking a pinch of snuff from a gold snuff-box.)
Coi. Why then, sir, I can't stand this any longer. Seven hundred pounds! Double it, sir, and I'll be your cook for the rest of my life. Good morning, sir. (In an angry manner, advancing towards Rissolle, who retreats out of the door.) Seven hundred pounds! Seven hundred-mon col-o-nel-rascal.
Nathan. Good morning, captain. How do you stand this hot weather ?
Capitain. Lord bless you, boy, it's a cold bath to what we had at Monmouth. Did I ever tell you about that-are battle?
N. I have always understood that it was dreadful hot that day!
Cap. Lord bless you, boy, it makes my crutch sweat to think on't—and if I didn't hate long stories, I'd tell you things about that-are battle, sich as you wouldn't believe, you rogue, if I didn't tell you.
It beats all natur how hot it was. N. I wonder you did not all die of heat and fatigue.
Cap. Why, so we should, if the reg'lars had only died first; but, you see, they never liked the Jarseys, and wouldn't lay their bones there. Now if I didn't hate long stories, I'd tell you all about that-are business, for you see they don't do things so now-a-days.
N. How so ?—Do not people die as they used to ?
Cap. Lord bless you, no. It beat all natur to see how long the reg'lars would kick after we killed them.
N. What! kick after they were killed! That does beat all natur, as you say.
Cap. Come, boy, no splitting hairs with an old continental, for you see, if I didn't hate long stories, I'd tell you things about this-ere battle, that you'd never believe. Why, Lord bless you, when gineral Washington telled us we night give it to 'em, we gin it to 'em, I tell you.
N. You gave what to them?
Сар. Cold lead, you rogue. Why, bless you, we fired twice to their once, you see ; and if I didn't hate long stories, I'd tell you how we did it. You must know, the regʻlars woru their close-bodied red coats, because they thought we were afeard on 'em, but we did not wear any coats, you see, because we hadn't any.
N. How happened you to be without coats ?
Сар. Why, Lord bless you, they would wear out, and the States couldn't buy us any more, you see, and so we marched the lighter, and worked the freer for it. Now if I did not hate long stories, I would tell you what the gineral said to me next day, when I had a touch of the rheumatiz from lying on the field without a blanket all night. You must know, it was raining
hard just then, and we were pushing on like all natur arter the reg'lars.
N. What did the gineral say to you?
Cap. Not a syllable, says he, but off comes his coat, and he throws it over my shoulders, “there, captain,” says he, “wear that, for we can't spare you yet.” Now don't that beat all natur, hey?
N. So you wore the general's coat, did you ?
Cap. Lord bless your simple heart, no. I didn't feel sick arter that, I tell you. No, gineral, says I, they can spare me better than they can you, just now, and so I'll take the will for the deed, says I.
N. You will never forget this kindness, captain.
Cap. Not I, boy! I never feel a twinge of the rheumatiz, but what I say, God bless the gineral. Now you see, I hate long stories, or I'd tell you how I gin it to a reg'lar that tried to shoot the gineral at Monmouth. You know we were at close quarters, and gineral was right between the fires.
N. I wonder he was not shot.
Cap. Lord bless your ignorant soul, nobody could kill the gineral ; but you see, a sneaking reg'lar didn't know this, and so he leveled his musket at him, and you see, I seed what he was arter, and I gin the gineral's horse a slap on the haunches, and it beats all natur how he sprung, and the gineral all the while as straight as a gun-barrel.
N. And you saved the gineral's life.
Cap. Didn't I tell you nobody could kill the gineral; but, you see, his horse was in the rake of my gun, and I wanted to get the start of that cowardly regʻlar.
N. Did you hit him?
Cap. Lord bless your simple soul, does the thunder hit where it strikes ! though the fellow made me blink a little, for
he carried away part of this ear.-See there? (Showing his pear.) Now don't that beat all natur ?
N. I think it does. But tell me how is it, that you took all these things so calmly. What made you so contented under your privations and hardships ?
Cap. Oh, bless your young soul, we got used to it. Besides, you see, the gineral never flinched nor grumbled.
N. Yes, but you served without being paid.
Cap. So did the gineral, and the States, you know, were poor as all natur. N. But
had families to support. Cap. Ay, ay, but the gineral always told us that God and mais our country would take care of them, you see. Now, if I