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and I'll be Thady O'Keen, just to show you how you should enter a room and deliver a letter.
T. O'K. Eh! what ? make a swap of ourselves !— With all my heart. Here's my wet hat for you.
Dr. W. There, sit down in my chair. (Going.) T. O’K. Stop, stop, honey-by my shoul you can never be Thady O'Keen without you have this little shillelagh in your fist.-There.
Dr. W. Very well. Sit you down. (Takes Thady's hat, fc. and goes out.)
T. O'K. (Solus.) Let me see- –I can never be a doctor either, without some sort of a wig. Oh, here is one—and here's my spectacles, faith. On my conscience, I'm the thing! (Puts on the wig awkwardly, and the spectacles; then sits in the doctor's chair. Dr. Wisepate knocks.) Walk in, honey. (Helps himself to chocolate and bread and butter.)
(Re-enter Dr. Wisepate, bowing.) Dr. W. Please your honor—Āside.)-What assurance the fellow has !
T. O’K. Speak out, young man, and don't be bashful. (Eating, fc.)
Dr. W. Please your honor, my lady sends her respectful compliments-hopes your honor is well.
T. OʻK. Pretty well, pretty well, I thank you.
T. O’K. That letter, well, why don't you bring it to me? Pray, am I to rise from the table ?
Dr. W. So, he's acting my character with a vengeance.But I'll humor him. (Aside.) There your honor. (Gives the letter bowing.)
T. OʻK. (Opens the letter and reads.)
“Sir,—Since my dear Flora has given you so much uneasiness—Och! by my shoul, that's no lie~ I beg leave to inform you that a gentleman shall call either to-day or to-morrow for her. If it should rain, I request the poor thing may have awhat's this ?-C o a--coat !-coat, no-coach. Yours." Hem! well--no answer's required, young man.
Dr. W. His impudence has struck me almost dumb. (Aside.) No answer, your
honor? T. OʻK. No, my good fellow-but come here—let me look at you. Oh, you seem very wet. Why it's you I understand, who brought this troublesome cur a few days ago : you have been often backwards and forwards, but I could never see you
Hollo, Robert! where's my lazy good-for-nothing servant ? Robert! (Rings a bell.)
Dr. W. Eh! what the deuce does he mean? (Aside.)
(Enter Robert, who stares at them both.) Rob. Eh !-Did-did you call, sir? (To Dr. Wisepate.)
T. OʻK. Yes, sirrah. Take that poor fellow down to the kitchen; he's come upon a foolish errand this cold wet day-. so, do you see, give him something to eat and drink-as much as he likes—and bid my steward give him a guinea for his trouble.
T. O'K. Tunder and ouns, fellow! must I put my words into my mouth, and take them out again, for you? Thady, (TO the Doctor.) my jewel, just give that blockhead of mine a rap on his sconce with your little bit of a switch, and I'll do as much for you another time.
Dr. W. So, instead of my instructing the fellow he has absolutely instructed me. (Aside.) Well
, sir, you have convinced me what Dr. Wisepate should be, and now suppose we are ourselves again.
T. O'K. (Rises.) With all my heart, sir. Here's your honor's wig and spectacles, and now give me my comfortable hat and switch.
Dr. W. And, Robert, obey the orders that my representative gave you.
Rob. What! carry him down to the kitchen !
T. O’K. No, young man, I shan't trouble you to carry me down-I'll carry myself down, and you shall see what a beautiful hand master O'Keen is at a knife and fork. (Exit with Robert.)
Dr. W. (Solus.) Well, this fellow has some humor ; indeed he has fairly turned the tables upon me. I wish I could get him to give a dose of my prescribing to her ladyship's cats and dogs, for the foolish woman has absolutely bequeathed in her will an annual sum for the care of each, after her death. Oh, dear! dear! how much more to her credit it would be to consider the present exigencies of her country, and add to the number of voluntary contributions !
Falstaff. A plague on all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and amen !-(To an attendant.)
Give me a cup of sack, boy.- Ere I lead this life long, I'll sew nethersocks,
and mend them, and foot them too. A plague on all cowards: –Give me a cup of sack, rogue.-Is there no virtue extant ? (Drains the cup.) You rogue, here's lime in this sack, too. There is nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man! Yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it; a villanous coward.—Go thy ways, old Jack; die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of :he earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live not three good men unhanged in England; and one of them is fat, and grown old,-a bad world, I say! A plague on all cowards, I
P. Henry. How now, wool-sack ? what mutter you?
Fal. A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild geese, I'll never wear hair on my face more. You-Prince of Wales !
P. Henry. Why, what's the matter?
P. Henry.. Ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, I'll stab thee.
Fal. I call thee coward ? I'll see thee hanged ere I call thee coward : but I would give a thousand pound, I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back. Call you that, backing of your friends ? A plague upon such backing! give me them that will face me.
:-Give me a cup of sack:-I am a rogue, if I have drunk to-day.
P. Henry. Oh villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drankst last.
Fal. All's one for that. (He drinks.) A plague on all cowards, still say I! •
P. Henry. What's the matter ?
Fal. What's the matter ? here be four of us have taken a thousand pound this morning.
P. Henry. Where is it, Jack ? where is it?
Fal. Where is it? taken from us, it is : a hundred upon poor four of us.
P. Henry. What, a hundred, man?
Fal. I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have 'escaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet : four through the hose ; my buckler cut through and through; my sword hacked like a handsaw, eccé signum. (Shows his sword.) I never dealt better since I was a man: all would not do. A plague on all cowards !
P. Henry. What, fought you with them all ?
Fal. All ? I know not what ye call all; but, if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish : if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no twolegged creature. P. Henry. Pray heaven, you have not murdered some of them.
Fal. Nay, that's past praying for. I have peppered two of them: two I am sure, I have paid ; two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal; if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward. (Taking a position for fighting.)—Here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me
P. Henry. What, four ? thou saidst but two, even now.
Fal. Four, Hal! I told thee four.—These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at me. I made no more ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus.
P. Henry. Seven! why, there were but four, even now.
Fal. Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else. Dost thou hear me, Hal ?
P. Henry. Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
Fal. Do so, for it is worth listening to.—These nine in buckram that I told thee of
P. Henry. So, two more already.
Fal. Their points being broken, -began to give me ground; but I followed me close, came in foot and hand, and with a thought, seven of the eleven I paid.
P. Henry. Oh monstrous ! eleven buckram men grown out of two!
Fal. But, as ill-luck would have it, three misbegotten knaves, in Kendal green, came at my back, and let drive at me ;-for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.
P. Henry. These lies are like the father that begets them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou knotty-pated fool; thou greasy tallow-tub.
Fal. What, art thou mad ? art thou mad ? is not the truth the truth?
P. Henry. Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? Come, tell us your reason; what sayest thou to this ? Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
Fal. What, upon compulsion ?-No. Were I pado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason upon compulsion! If reasons
the strapwere as plenty as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion.
P. Henry. I'll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horse-back breaker, this huge hill of flesh
Fal. Away, you starveling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's tongue, you stock-fish! Oh for breath to utter what is like thee! you taylor's yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck,
· P. Henry. Well, breathe awhile and then to it again ; and when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this.—Poins and I saw you four set on four; you bound them, and were masters of their wealth: mark now, how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you four, and with a word, outfaced you from your prize, and bave it, yea can show it you here in the house. And Falstaff, you carried your paunch away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still ran and roared, as ever I heard a bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight? What trick, what device, what starting hole canst thou now find out, to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?
Fal. Ha! ha! ha!-D’ye think I did not know you, Hal ? Why, hear ye, my master, was it for me to kill the heir apparent ? should I turn upon the true prince? why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules. But beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true prince; instinct is a great matter. I was a coward on instinct, I grant you; and I shall think the better of myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But I am glad you have the money. Let
I us clap to the doors ; watch to-night, pray to-morrow.
What! shall we be merry ? shall we have a play extempore?
P. Henry. Content !--and the argument shall be, thy running away:
Fal. Ah !--no more of that, Hal, if thou lovest me.
Sir Philip. Come hither. I believe you hold a farm of mine.
Ash. Zometimes it be, zur. But thic year it be all t'other way, as 'twur; but I do hope, as our landlords have a tightish