we really considered the house likely to suit us. Mr A. was at breakfast, and could not be disturbed! Mrs B. had no objection to our viewing her sitting-rooms, but the bed-chambers (the blackholes of her establishment), were in a state of confusion, which rendered it impossible that we could be allowed to inspect them' Mrs C. had the chimney-sweepers in her kitchen! (it was just then under water, and might have impressed us with an ugly prejudice against the general comfort of the tenement) so that we were not allowed to penetrate lower than her dining-room. Mrs D. was at dinner; and wondered how people could expect to obtain admittance at so unseasonable an hour. Here, the landlord had put a capricious rent of twice its real value upon his house; and had taken an oath that it should rot to the foundation before he would let it for less. There, an officer's lady, whose husband was with our army in India (in what regiment it might be difficult to ascertain), wished to dispose of her lease and furniture, in order that she might join her spouse! In one place, the house had grown too large for the family-in another, the family had grown too large for the house! Under any other circumstances, the party would not have vacated it for the world. At this place we were informed, that Mr E.'s sole reason for leaving his residence was, that he wished to retire into the country;-at the other, that the increase of Mr F.'s professional avocations would not admit of his living at so great a distance from the Inns of Court. In no single instance was any motive assigned, which could possibly invalidate the supposed eligibility of the tenement. Our queries (which, whenever there appeared to be the slightest chance of our suiting ourselves, were always at our fingers' ends), were answered, for the most part, satisfactorily. Where a servant or charwoman had the care of a house, the common reply to our various inquiries was, "Yes, Ma'am; for aught I have heard to the contrary!" and "No, Ma'am; not as I know of." For all the more important particulars however, we were, in such cases, usually referred to " my master," or, "the gentleman as puts me in ;"-living some six or seven English miles from the scene of action. At first, we found it difficult to account for the extraordinary candour of the people who had the letting of houses for agents and upholsterers; for, however fervent they were in their general recommendations of the premises, they had always some little candid communication to make at our second visit, which was sure to save us the trouble of calling again: "It was true that the chimneys did smoke a little, and the kitchens were shocking damp." While we were yet green in our vocation we considered ourselves bound, in common gratitude, to present our informant with a shil ling, as a premium for her timely intimation; but we soon found that it was the common trick of the profession. The Mrs Candid in question, had house rent-free, and so much a week for taking care of the premises, to say nothing of an odd shilling every now and then, for telling the whole truth, and sometimes a little more than the truth! Where is the starving and homeless wretch who would have been proof against such a temptation? Street, But I shall not fatigue my reader with minutie. It is sufficient for all useful purposes to remark, that after six days' peregrinations, just as we were about to make up our minds that such a domicile as we were in search of-like happiness-was not to be met with in this world, our attention was attracted by a placard in the window of a genteel-looking house, in Square: and although it did certainly appear a cut above our means, we determined (on my wife's favourite principle), to take a peep at it. We accordingly knocked at the door, and were ushered into the drawing-room, where we were informed that "Mrs Varnish" would wait upon us without delay. In the meantime, we had leisure to survey the apartment. My wife and daughter were in ecstasies. If the rent should prove at all moderate, it was just the very thing we wanted.-We were here interrupted by the entre of a smart, smirking lady of a 'certain age,' who, tripping across the room with more than fairy lightness, addressed me with, "I fear, Sir, you will be disappointed, if you have called respecting the house, as it is, I have reason to believe, already let. Indeed, the rent is so extremely low, considering its size and conveniences, that I might have parted with it half a dozen times over, had I been less fastidious than I am.' This rent was, she then informed us, one hundred pounds per annum (twenty pounds beyond the limit I had prescribed as our ultimatum); and there were a few fixtures -retter, she declared, than new; including her carpets and curtains, which, as they were planned to the rooms, it would be "a thousand pities to disturb." Here my daughter manifested considerable impatience to know if the house was really let; and Mrs Varnish (all complaisance as she was) rang the bell, to catechise her servant (who had of course her cue), as to whether Mr Fitzroy Wilmington had sent his definitive answer that morning of not;-when it turned out that he had not, but that he considered the matter as all but settled, and would call and make the final arrangements in person, at two o'clock. Mrs V. expressed great satisfaction that she had it still in her power to oblige us, as the house seemed to suit us so entirely. She must, however, beg to show the two ladies through her sleeping apartments before she could allow us to form any decision. On their return, they appeared to have made the most of their time, for they had grown as intimate as if they had known each other a dozen years. "What a delightI nodded my ton. ful woman!" whispered Monimia, aside, to me. assent; for, in truth, Mrs V. did appear to me to be a most fascinating creature. She was all delicacy and disinterestedness! She even offered to give us a day for consideration; but this my wife declared would be taking an unfair advantage of her generosity, considering her situation with respect to Mr Fitzroy WilmingWe accordingly brought the matter to an issue upon the spot. To save the trouble and expense of appraisement, Mrs V. proposed to take 20 per cent. off the cost price of her fixtures, &c. She had spent a vast deal of money on ornamental repairs, but for this she should charge nothing; neither would she require a premium, notwithstanding the extraordinary cheapness and eligibility of the house. In short, she was a paragon of a landlady; and we seemed mutually charmed with each other, until we got fairly in,—and then-but I must make short work of a long story. It is quite true, that Mrs Varnish had guaranteed us, in her memorandum of agreement, against any of the nuisances referred to in the schedule I have already presented to my readers; but, gracious goodness! we had to encounter horrors without number, which nothing short of the wisdom of Solomon would have enabled us to avert. Imprimis.-The house had the dry-rot; and although it was impossible to prove that it was not in "tenantable repair" when we took it, it was equally so to affirm with truth that it might not, some day or other, suddenly tumble about our ears. To add to our confusion, our tenure was a "repairing lease." Secondly. Our opposite neighbour kept a private mad-house; and although his patients were not quite so turbulent as some of Mr Warburton's maniacs, they were sufficiently so to be extremely troublesome, on summer evenings more especially. Several of them, too, had an ugly trick of grinning, showing their teeth, and otherwise distorting their features, at the windows, to such a degree, that we could not occupy our front rooms in the day-time, without the risk of being horrified by their demoniacal gesticulations. Thirdly. Our next-door neighbour, on the right hand, was no other than our worthy friend Dr Tympanum, the professor of music; a circumstance which, however auspicious it appeared when we first heard of it, turned out in the event, to be a most intolerable nuisance. My good neighbour (whose eminence in his art had been rewarded by a musical diploma), had begun to teach upon the Logerian system, just three days after we were fairly housed. My readers are no doubt aware of the slender texture of a single-brick London party-wall! His classes commenced at eight o'clock in the morning, and continued (with the exception of an hour's intermission for dinner), until eight in the evening. Merciful heaven! I thought all the devils in Pandemonium had broken loose, and were conspiring to torment me. Strum! strum! strum!-crash! crash! crash!-from no less than twenty pair of hands, from morning to night! Fourthly. To escape the annoyance,—at least partially, for to fly from it wholly was impossible-I resolved to make a study of my back drawing-room; but here another evil awaited me. The rear of my house looked directly upon the yard of a 66 Statuary Mason," who had no less than two brace of desperadoes, employed constantly in sawing blocks of marble into slabs. No powers of the pen could do justice to a quartetto of such performers. Suffice it to say, that it quite eclipsed the most violent crescendos of Dr Tympanum's concerts. Fifthly. My house had been built with green wood. The consequence of which was, that there was not a door that had not shrunk beyond the reach of the latch-bolt; so that we could only keep them closed by setting chairs or tables against them; to say nothing of the windows, which admitted the breezes of heaven in all directions. As to the flooring, it was one continued series of crevasses, or abysses, through which the wind rushed with such amazing impetuosity, that it was impossible for a lady to walk over any part of the room uncovered by the carpet, without having her petticoats puffed up like an air balloon. I once read (I think it was in the Morning Post"), of a respectable old lady who was carried up to a second-floor window in the Strand, by means of the wind, and her tenacious adherence to her umbrella; and after what I have seen of the operation of the same element in my own house, I can believe any thing of it. 66 Sixthly. My left-hand neighbour was a good enough sort of a man, of quiet habits and highly respectable character; but a nuisance of the most overwhelming description notwithstanding. He was a wholesale wax and tallow chandler, and what with his "Melting Days" and "Evenings in Grease," (for his warehouse is directly contiguous to the premises of my friend "The Statuary Mason") well nigh stunk me into a consumption. Nay, the bare mention of his name, at this distance of time, is equivalent to a dose of emetic tartar. Seventhly. But no!I can stand it no longer. My fire is out-my candle is expiring-and I am almost frozen to an icicle. I have a score more evils yet to enumerate. Pandora found Hope at the bottom of her budget, but I fear I have no such luck. However, au revoir, my dear reader! for I have groans without number still to pour into thy kindly-sympathizing ear. THE BRIDE'S CHOICE. AWAY-I'll wear no bridal dress, And none but Nature's tears shall fail My bed shall be the quiet ground My wasted form to fold, For hearts like mine it hath been found A kind one, though a cold! They've turned me from my hope away- They've made me long to die! Where joy has once been writ; Joy is the mother of Despair So lay me in the pleasant grave Though wrong'd through lifetime, I would have A happy thing, and sweets were strown Upon my sleep, to show That I had never sorrow known, Had never tasted woe! I like the mockery that flowers Beneath which lie the happy hours Oh write" Here lies a hapless one |