of two parishes I belonged; and I fully expected (that to make sure) I should have been visited by the collectors from both! Meantime the knocker groaned, until very evening, under the dull, stunning, single thumps-each villain would have struck, although it had been upon the head of his own grandfather!-of bakers, butchers, tallowchandlers, grocers, fish-mongers, poulterers, and oilmen! Every ruffian who made his livelihood by swindling me through the whole year, thought himself entitled to a peculiar benefaction (for his robberies) on this day. And "Host! Now by my life I scorn the name!" All this was child's play-bagatelle, I protest, and "perfumed," to what I had to go through in the "letting off" of my dwelling! The swarms of crocodiles that assailed me, on every fine day-three-fourths of them, to avoid an impending shower, or to pass away a stupid morning-in the shape of stale dowagers, city coxcombs, "professional gentlemen," and "single ladies!" And all (except a few that were swindlers) finding something wrong about my arrangements! Gil Blas' mule, which was nothing but faults, never had half so many faults as my house. Carlton Palace, if it were to be "let" to-morrow, would be objected to by a tailor. One man found my rooms "too small;" another thought them rather "too large;" a third wished that they had been loftier; a fourth, that there had been more of them. One lady hinted a sort of doubt, "whether the neighbourhood was quite respectable ;" another asked, "if I had any family;" and, then, "whether I would bind myself not to have any during her stay." Two hundred, after detaining me an hour, had called only "for friends." Ten thousand went through all the particulars, and would "call again to-morrow." At last there came a lady who gave the coup-de-grace to my "housekeeping;" she was a clergyman's widow, she said, from Somersetshire; if she had been an "officer's," I had suspected her; but, in an evil hour, I let her in; and-she had come for the express purpose of marrying me! Sometimes she heard a mouse behind the wainscot, and I was called in to scare it. Her canary bird got loose; would I be so good as to catch it? I fell sick, but was soon glad to get well again; for she sent five times a-day to ask if I was better; beside pouring in plates of blanc mange, jellies, cordials, raspberry vinegar, fruits fresh from the country, and hasty-puddings made by her own hand. And, at last, after the constant borrowings of books, the eternal interchange of newspapers, and the daily repair of crow-quills, the opinions upon wine, and the corrections of hackney coachmen, I determined to get rid of many troubles at once; I therefore presented Mrs F with my house, and every thing in it, and determined never again, as a man's only protection against female cupidity, to possess even a tooth-brush that I could legally call my own. This resolution, gentle reader, compelled me to shelter myself in "furnished lodgings," where the most of accommodation, (sub. Junary!) after all, I believe, is to be found. I had sad work, as you may imagine, to find my way at first. Once I ventured to inhabit (as there was no board in the case) with a surgeon. But, what between the patients and the resurrection-men, the "night bell" was intolerable; and he ordered the watchman too, I found, to pull it privately six or seven times a-week, in order to impress the neighbourhood with an opinion of his practice. From one place I was driven away by a music-master, who gave concerts opposite to me; and at a second, after two days abiding, I found that a madman was confined on the second floor! Two houses I left because my hostesses made love to me. Three, because parrots were kept in the streets. One, because a cock (who would crow all night) came to live in the yard at the back of me; and another, in which I had staid two months, (and should perhaps have remained till now,) because a boy of eight years old (there is to me no earthly creature so utterly intolerable as a boy of eight years old!) came home from school to pass "the holidays." I had thoughts, I don't care who knows it, of taking him off by poison; and bought two raspberry tarts to give him arsenic in, as I met him on the stairs, where he was, up and down, all day. As it is, I have sent an order to the seven Dials, to have an "early delivery" of all the "dying speeches" for the next ten years. I did this in order to know when he is hanged a fact I wish particularly to ascertain, because his father and I had an altercation about it. Experience, however, gives lights; and a "furnished lodging" is the best arrangement among the bad. I had seven transitions last month, but that was owing to accidents; a man who chooses well, may commonly stay a fortnight in a place. Indeed, as I said in the beginning, I have been ten days where I am; and I don't, up to this moment, see clearly what point I shall go away upon. The mistress of the house entertains a pet monkey; and I have got a new footman, who, I understand, plays upon the fiddle. The matter, I suspect, will lie between these two. I am most nervous myself about the monkey. He broke loose the other day. I saw him escape over the next garden-wall, and drop down by the side of a middle-aged gentleman, who was setting polyanthuses! The respectable man, as was prudent, took refuge in a summer-house; and then he pulled up all the polyanthuses; and then tried to get in at the summer-house window! I think that Eh! Why, what the deuce is all this?-Why, the room is full of smoke!-Thomas!--[I ring the bell violently.]—Thomas!--[I call my new footman.]—Tho-o-o-mas!-Why, somebody has set the house on fire. Enter THOMAS. Indeed no, your honour-indeed-no-it's only the chimney. The chimney! you dog!-get away this moment and put it out. -Stay!-Thomas!-Come back, I say,—what chimney is it? Thomas. Only the kitchen chimney, sir. Only the kitchen chimney! how did you do it? Thomas. I was only tuning my fiddle, your honour; and Mary, the housemaid, flung the rosin in the fire. Where's the landlord, sirrah? Thomas. He's not at home, sir. Thomas. She's in fits, sir. You'll be hanged, to a certainty!-There's a statue for you, caitiff! there is-Come, sir-come-strip, and go up the chimney directly-Strip! or I'll kill you with the toasting fork, and bury your body in the dust-hole. [Enter the cat, with a tail as thick as my arm, galloping round the room.] Zounds and death, what's to be done?-My life's not insured!-I must get out of the house. [Rattling of wheels, and cries of "Fire!" in the street.] Here comes the parish engine, and as many thieves with it as might serve six parishes!-Shut the doors below, I say. [Calling down stairs.] Don't let 'em in.-Thomas! The house will be gutted from top to bottom!-Thomas!-Where is that rascally servant of mine! Thomas!-[Calling in all directions.-I-I must see, myself. [Scene changes to the kitchen. The house-maid in hysterics under the dresser.] Pooh! what a smell of sulphur! Thomas !-I remember, it was on a Friday I hired him!-Thomas!-take a wet blanket, you rascal, and get through the garret window.-Crawl up the tiles, and muffle the chimney-pot! Thomas. [Down the chimney.] Sir! One more peep [I run up stairs] from the window. Hark, how they knock without! Rat-tat-tat-tat! As I live, here are a dozen engines, fifty firemen, and four thousand fools! I must be off! Thomas! [He enters.] I must escape. Thomas! Show me the back-door. Thomas. There is none, sir. I've been trying to get out myself. [Enter the Cook, with the monkey on her back. The knocking continues.] Cook. Oh law, Sir! We shall all be destructed, sir !—Oh dear, where is your honour's double-barrelled gun? My gun?-up stairs. What d'ye want with the gun? Cook. Oh sir! if it was to be shot off up the chimney, it would surely put it out. She's right. Run, Thomas! At the head of the bed. Away with you. Mind-it's loaded-take care what you are about. There they go!-They have found it.-Now they are down stairs. Why, the woman has got the gun!-Take it from her!He don't hear me.- -Thomas!-She's going to fire it, as I live!-Yes! she's sitting down in the grate !-Thomas !-With her body half way up the chimney!-Bang! bang! [Report heard.] Ah! there she goes backwards !-It's all up! Here comes the soot, in cart-loads, all over her!-She's killed!-No, egad! she's up and running. Don't let her come near me.-Margery!-What's her name?-She's running towards the street door!-Margery! Why, she's all on fire, and as black as a soot-bag!-Why, stop her, I say. -Ah! she gets into the street. Thomas!-Margery !—Everybody! The woman will be burned to death! [Shouts without, and noise of water.]-Ha!--[I run to the window.]-Huzza!-The engines are playing upon her!!! Oh that footman! he is my fateand I thought it would be the monkey! Enter THOMAS. Come in, you villain.-Is the woman burnt? Only frightened! you unfeeling creature-but see the monkeystop him-he's gone off with my gold spectacles. Reader, if you have compassion, hear a man of five-and-forty's prayer! I can't stay here!—where am I to go to?—If you should think-Thomas!-I must get into a hackney coach!-If you should think-Call me a hackney coach, sirrah-and ask the man what he charges for it (d'ye hear) by the week. Blackwood's Mag. BALLAD. MARY, when the sun is down, Unto where the lilied rill Winds around the woody hill,- When the night doth darken eve, When the bat hath tired his wing, When the first star of the night Steal thy way through green and grove, Silent as the moon doth move. When the dew is on our feet, Then the woodland walk is sweet: When no eye but heaven's doth see, C. WEBBE. |