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and-water?"'_“He never leaves out the spirits, sir; he always keeps the key himself, sir, in his own pocket.”—“He must be a deuced odd sort of fellow, then ; send him here immediately.”—“Master is dressing, sir ; he will be down directly," was the reply; and accordingly, after the lapse of a few minutes, Mr. made his appearance in full evening costume.

My good friend,” commenced Hook, without raising his eyes from the paper,

" allow me to observe that the rules of your establishment are a little inconvenient to travellers. I have been here above a quarter of an hour, and have not been able to get so much as a glass of brandy-and-water-bring one immediately-hot; and let me know what you have got for dinner.”_" I really beg your pardon,” said old Mr. --, as soon as he could find words ; "I really beg your pardon, but I am at a loss”-“ So am I, my good man-for a glass of brandy-and-water. Bring that, and another for yourself, and then I shall be happy to hear whatever you have to say.”“ But, sir, you must permit me to state”. “I was never in such a detestable house in my life,” exclaimed Hook, starting up; “what do you stand chattering there for, instead of attending to my order? Am I to be kept here starving all night! Bring the brandy and water--d'ye hear?”—The old gentleman was struck positively speechless ; his face purpled ; he seemed in imminent peril of choking with the sudden conflux of ire, indignation, and astonishment.--" Why, the fellow's drunk?” pursued Theodore ; disgracefully drunk, at this time of day, and in his own parlour, too! I shall feel it my duty, sir, to lay a statement of this inexcusable conduct before the bench. Mr. sprang to the bell. “John-Thomas -turn this impudent scoundrel out of the house !" The arrival of the servants necessarily led to an explanation. Nothing could exceed Mr. Hook's regret. What could be done? What apology could be made? He was a perfect stranger to Sunbury; had been directed to the “ Flower Pot” as the inn affording the best accommodation; and on seeing what he imagined to be a gigantic representation of the siyn in question at the garden gate, he had naturally entered, and acted upon that erroneous impression. This was the unkindest cut of all. To find a stranger reclining in full possession of his sofa and slippers was bad enough; to be treated as a dilatory innkeeper was worse ; and to be taxed with insolence and intoxication was still more trying to a gentleman of respectable

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character and excitable nerves; but to hear the highest achievement of art he possessed—the admiration of himself and friends, and the envy of all Sunbury, his darling vase, compared with which the “Warwick" and the “Barberini” were as common wash-pots-to hear this likened to an alehouse sign, was a humiliation which dwarfed into insignificance all preceding insults. But as to whether Hook contrived to soothe the anger he had provoked, and to win a way, as was his wont, into the good graces of his victim; or whether this last affront proved irremediable, and he was compelled to seek further entertainment for himself and horse at the “ Flowerpot" minor, unfortunately our informant is at fault.-Barham's Life of Theodore Hook.

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A sleepy deacon, who sometimes engaged in popular amusements, hearing the minister quote the words, "shuffle off this mortal coil," started up and rubbed his eyes, exclaiming, “Hold on, squire, it's my deal !”

A gentleman advertises, in a New York paper, for board in a quiet, genteel family, where there are two or three beautiful and accomplished young ladies, and where his society be deemed a sufficiency for board, lodging, washing, and other et ceteras.

A hair-dresser in the city, who had been in the habit of sending one of his artistes a day occasionally into a village about twelve miles out for the purpose of giving the ladies the benefit of his abilities, gave notice a few days ago, that the said artiste's journeys would be discontinued, as he only realised twenty-five shillings a day!

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. —Being kissed to death by a pretty girl.

FLATTERY.—An exquisite instance of flattery is related of a certain maid of honour in France, who, being asked by the queen what o'clock it was, answered, “What your majesty pleases."

Nature is a pattern maid-of-all-work, and does best when least meddled with.

The man who gives his children habits of truth, industry, and frugality, provides better for them than giving them a fortune.

Habits. Do not fear underiaking to form any habit that is desirable; for it can be formed, and that with more ease

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than you may at first suppose. Let the same thing or the same duty return at the same time every day, and it will soon become pleasant. No matter if it be irksome at first; but how irksome soever it be, only let it return periodically, every day, and that without any interruption for a time, and it will become a positive pleasure ; in this way all our habits are formed.

The Right Man to Pity. - When Colly Cibber saw his graceless son Theophilus in a rich suit of clothes, he whispered to him as he passed, “ The'! The'! I pity thee !” “Pity me !" replied Thu', “pity my tailor.”

Nor PARTICULAR TO A SHADE.—A beggar-boy made application to a farmer's wife in Scotland for relief, and was refused on the ground that she had “no copper;" to which the urchin very accommodatingly responded, "I tak' siller, mem."

INABILITY OF IGNORANCE.—How many men, rich in physical energy, stand with folded and idle hands because they are poor in knowledge! Tell such a man what he should do, and he is ready and willing to act. He stands still because he cannot see his way

He is uncertain because he cannot make out which of two plans he should choose. He is negligent, only because he is ignorant of what he ought to do, or of how it may best be done. Or if, in his physical impatience, such a man rushes forward, he fails to reach his aim, because he is deficient in the materials for successful action. How often do we see the energy of one man ill or wrongly directed because he knows too little of what be engages in, while, under the guidance of knowledge, every s. ep, impelled by the energy of another, is observed to be a sure stride in advance Professor Johnston.

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CONTENTS.
BRITISH CORN-LAWS.
PUBLICOLA AND THE WEEKLY DISPATCH.
THE COLONIES.
REVIEWS OF PROFESSOR SEWELL's (or OXFORD) CHRISTIAN MORALS.
CHURCH OF SCOTLAND; WITH THE RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL, AND LITERARY

INTELLIGENCE OF THE MONTH.

TO NEWSPAPER EDITORS. Editors of Papers who may notice the Magazine are requested to send copies of the Paper direct to the Editor, at the Publishers, in London, as otherwise they may not reach him.

TO AUTHORS AND BOOKSELLERS. Books intended for Review may be sent to our Agent in Edinburgh, or to our Publishers in London.

The Publishers of this Magazine are not responsible for any opinions which may be therein stated.

Arrangements are being made which will enable us in our future Numbers to give all the monthly Religious Intelligence of the Scotch and English Churches, as well as of those Dissenting, in conjunction with the Political news, up to the 23rd of each month, with Leading Articles on various topics.

All accounts, due for Advertisements, &c. &c. by the British MONTHLY MAGAZINE up to this date, are requested to be sent in to Mr. Hope, at the Publishers, on the 31st of January, to be discharged ; and on the last day of every month following, the accounts of the preceding month will be discharged. CROWN LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY. 33, Bridge-street, Blackfriars, London.

DIRECTORS.
George H. Hooper, Esq., Chairman.

Lieutenant-Colonel Moody, R.E., Deputy Chairman.
Joho Chapman, Esq.

Sir John Kirkland. Charles Chippindale, Esq.

Richard Norman, Esq. James Colquhoun, Esq.

Alexander Stewart, Esq. B. D. Colvin, Esq.

William Whitmore, Esq.
Capt. J. W. D. Dundas, R.N., C.B., M.P. John Wilson, Esq.
Thomas Harrison, Esq.

William Wilson, Esq.
Jameson Hunter, Esq,
AUDITORS, John Nelson, Esq. 0. Ommanney, Esq. Henry Warre, Esq.

-,

Physicians, { Dr. Charles F. Forbes, F.L.S.

, K.H., 23, Argyll-street

.

SURGEON, Samuel Solly, Esq., F.R.S, 1, St. Helen's-place. STANDING COUNSEL, Charles Ellis, Esq. SOLICITORS, Messrs. Hale, Boys, and Austen.

BANKERS, Bank of England. ACTUARY, J. M. Rainbow, Esq. THE advantages of this office, among others, are :

T E. carparticipatiot septentially in our best bien

des of the profits, which may be applied

either in reduction of the premium or to augment the sum assured.

The following Bonuses have been assigned to all Policies of at least three years' standing, effected for the whole duration of life :

First Division in 1832.-From 18s. to £2 12s. per cent. per annum on the sums assured, varying with the age, being equivalent, on the average, to 263 per cent. on the premiums paid.

Second Division in 1839.-From upwards of $1 to upwards of £3 per cent. per annum on the sums assured, or, on the average, 33 per cent. on the premiums paid for the preceding seven years.

2. Premiums may be paid in a limited number of annual sums instead of by annual payments for the whole of life; the policy continuing to participate in profits after the payment of such premiums has ceased.

3. Tbe assurance or premium fund is not subject to any charge for interest to proprietors.

4. Permission to pass to continental ports between Brest and the Elbe inclusive.

5. Parties (including Officers of the Army, Navy, East India Company, and Merchant Service,) may be assured to reside in or proceed to all parts of the world, at premiums calculated on real data.

6. Claims to be paid within three months.
7. The assured may dispose of their policies to the company.
3. No charge but for policy stamps.

The Prospectus, Tables of Rates, &c. to be had at the Office, in London, or of the Company's Agents.

T. G. CONYERS, Secretary.

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