TITULAR CONFUSION.

THE "BOROUGH-TITLE TERMINUS."

BY WILLIAM JERDAN.

WHETHER there is much, little, or nothing in a name, there is unquestionably a good deal in a title; and we are reminded of this by a recent death in the peerage, of one whereby there hangs the following tale. It is easy enough to distinguish Pelhams from Saviles or Sherards, or either from either; but when you come to a trio like Yarborough, Scarborough, and Harborough, clustered together, it is very apt, as on the occasion referred to, to create considerable confusion. It so happened that these three noblemen, once upon a time, took up their temporary residence in the Hotel during the height of the fashionable sea-side season at Within a ten-hours' working of the concern, the keeper and his lady, the chambermaids and the waiters, the boots and the ostlers, had fallen into one complicated and irretrievable perplexity. Disputes respecting the several orders given rang from the chief private room to the bar, from the laundry to the kitchen, and from the scullery to the stables. Master swore that such a thing was for my Lord Y*rborough; his wife persisted it was for my Lord S*rborough; and when the more immediate servitors were asked, they replied that it was for my Lord H*rborough, or otherwise, as the case in their several apprehensions might be!

But if matters went on thus chaotically in the establishment, till four attendants had warning, and Madame almost cuffed her husband, it fared still worse with the noble guests; who, in their separate suites of apartments, unknowing of each other, could not comprehend the labyrinth of mystery and mistake in which they seemed to be involved. None of their orders were executed; but they had plenty of other offices thrust upon them undesired, and some of the accidents were of a kind to be quite as annoying as amusing. A sketch of a day, or rather of a few hours, may furnish a taste of this Comedy of Errors

Lord Y*rborough entered his breakfast-room, expecting to see the meal prepared for six, but found himself destined to be alone in his glory. He rang the bell-nobody had called or inquired about him, and after fuming for half an hour, and regurgitating the apology which he had prepared for being so late in descending from his dressingroom, he sat down in no very complacent mood to his breakfast solus. But barely had he discussed a dozen prawns, an egg, the breast of a bird, and some grated Hamburgh beef, when in hurried five members of the Royal Yacht Club; all protesting together, excusing them selves, blaming everybody else, and in a strange outlandish nautical phraseology, contriving to telegraph his Lordship that they had been misled by a false signal, run up to Scarborough harbour, where they missed stays, bore down on the river Welland course for Harborough, discovered it was no go; and after boxing the compass east, west, north and south through straits and passages never before explored, and seen lots of natives of every longitude and latitude, of barbarous customs and the rudest manners (as their reception of them proved), had at length happily made out the Commodore, and were perfectly ready to victual and refit.

Whilst engaged in these necessary provisions and repairs, they told

of their adventures about the bay of Scarborough. How the first that landed had been mistaken for a Jockey Craft from Doncaster, and questioned about the horse-races; and how he, fancying the inquiry concerned the human-races on the shores of the Mediterranean and northern seas, which the squadron had visited, gave a reply descriptive of the Copts and Fins, &c., and the difference in their forms and blood; which to the noble person to whom he addressed these geographical and ethnological explanations was unintelligible rigmarole; when Captain Mag of the Magpie arrived the dilemma was dissipated, and they were bowed out stern foremost.

Others related how they traversed the Harborough latitudes, but could observe no traces of population. They were strewed with shalloons and silks, said to be the staple manufactures of the region; but not being aware whether they might belong to some parties concealed in the adjacent bush or jungle, they had left all in statu quo, and crowded sail for their true destination.

In the meanwhile the breakfasts of Lords S*rborough and H*rborough had been, as may be supposed, rather interfered with by these cruizers. The former expecting an express to inform him of the result of the LEGER, had only one CUP before him, when invaded, and thought of neither race, form, nor blood, but that which might win the golden prize, for which he had entered his favourite Nonplus, with a hope, if he was successful, that Ne-plus-ultra, from the same stable and trainer, would be equally fortunate for the second event. Lord H*rborough, as we have found, was non est inventus; but he was near enough to hear the noise, and wonder who the d-1 was rummaging about his rooms. But for particular circumstances he would have gone and kicked them out, whoever they might be.

Each of the peers gave the house a loud setting down, and peace and quiet was but precariously re-established in the generally wellordered and well-conducted establishment.

The morning's post letters were delivered. They were of course opened and read, and we select copies, by way of illustrating the continued contre temps to each, which we insert. Lord H*rborough broke the seal of the first, threw the envelope into the fire, and glanced his eye over the following:

"HONOURED LORD,

"I AM sorry to inform you that your favourit was taking with a bad coff, and went all rong on the nite befor the event came of, and consekuntly could not come to the scratch. This was the mor extrordenary, as nothing could be better than the condishun immedately befor. Wether tampurd with or hoccurst it is unpossable to say; but am inclind to think we hav not had fare play. At any rat running was out of the questing, and I umbly and respecteously wate your Lordships orders what I ham to do: praps all will be well again sune, and fit for your Lordships inspeckshun, wich I hop will give satisfakshun. Hindead, I fell conwinced that we may yet get a maiden plat, though the ring may be all t'other way. With a good book and a moderat bet wan mite walk over. I can fancie the affare. We begin at a slapping pace, get the result safely in hand, bang along with an incresed lead, droping off atendents, and carying all before us at least by a neck. can sea the carior fly lik No's dove, with the gled nuse; and no mor dowts or fares about not being placed, and with a stabell of kariktur, sutch as a true turfight might brag of among the best breders in the

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clubbe or hellsware. At any rat you may relie on my taken the utmost care, fisiking, cloathing, and gruming to the best of my hability, in the truste that all will come out cleane and reddy for a jolly good start, with better ops of a fortinat issue.

"I ham your Lordships to comm".

JOB ROWEL."

If Lord H*rborough was puzzled with this epistle, Lord S*rborough was no less so in his missive, instead of his expected jockey report of the Doncaster.

"MY DEAR LORD,

"There never was a finer run than our last. Having weighed, we had a fair start altogether from the roads; and nothing could be more beautiful than the style in which one and all kept together. Thus we pulled on for Portland Race, when the Io and the Hero shot a-head, the rest lying in admirable trim astern. It came on rough enough, though only a cap full of wind. Laid by. Freshened into a gale from the S. W. Tacked and made way, wind veering to the W. N. W. Hauled close and shortened sail. The course lay due S. and the distance looked ugly, with the sands between, and fog and drizzle beyond. Monkey and Gipsey Girl closed well up, and we rode bravely off Ryde. Overhauled the Queen in the Fairy. Our colours looked charming as the weather brightened up, and we made Cowes. But for the gale it was intended to stretch over to Scilly, or moor in Mounts Bay. As it was, Goodwood never had a sharper trial, and we only desired your Lordship on board to share our rapid evolutions, and complete mastery of the difficulties on our way. The whole may be considered a grand stride in regard to speed and certainty: at least a knot an hour. Poor Peter made the worst hand of it, and came to a stand near Sandown: a pretty position for a Post Eight Bells. Good night! Yours truly, JOSEPH HORATIO NELSON PLUGS."

Lord S*rborough rather d- d this epistle for infernal bad fun to be poked at him, and surmised if he happened to know who was the writer, he would make him acquainted with his horse whip. But meanwhile Lord Y*rborough had a stranger nut to crack than either of the other "rboroughs." It ran thus

"MY LORD,

"I have had much trouble to induce Sophia to agree to the arrangement proposed by your Lordship. She is afraid of the present, and dreads the future. I told her of your Lordship's generosity (not mentioning your bountiful attention to me), and said I was sure you would provide for her in the handsomest manner. Poor thing, she wavered and wavered, and did not know what to do. I think she really loves your Lordship, or she would have rejected at once, and hesitated about the step till at last her resolution gave way. We will post to the inn at Mborough, where in former times I have had the pleasure to join your Lordship, and you had better contrive to give us the meeting rather late in the evening of Sunday-say about ten or half past, when you will probably find us comfortable over a chicken and champagne, and Sophia the better prepared to listen to your allurements But indeed I can assure you that all her objections are overruled, and she is ready and willing to trust to you for life. May every happiness of virtue and constancy attend you. She is truly one of the sweetest creatures I ever saw, and worthy of a coronet.

"Your Lordship's faithful and obedient servant,

ANN PIMPERNEL."

"P. S. If you wish any éclat to be given to the transaction I can have her elopement from her professional duties published in the Age, the Satirist, and other popular Sunday newspapers, in the habit of communicating such intelligence to the public. Perhaps Punch might be got to make a few puns upon the love letters."

It is not easy to describe the effect produced by these mis-sent hieroglyphics. Lord H*rborough wrote an impatient letter to Mrs. Pimpernel in town, if he did not hear by next train, or by the electric telegraph, he would hasten up to know if all were going right. Lord S*rborough dispatched a courier to Yorkshire to trace out the source of the infamous hoax which had been played off upon him; and Lord Y*rborough, provoked by natural curiosity to learn what was the meaning of his singular invitation, ordered post-horses and a private carriage to take him to M-borough by ten o'clock on the ensuing day-Sunday. In the course of the afternoon a few other blunders occurred which were of an entertaining description. Lord H*rborough went to dine with Sir Gerard Hostwell who had invited Lord S*rborough; was surprised at the free and easy appearance of his guest, with whom he was not intimately acquainted, and waited dinner above an hour for his friend, who neither came nor sent an excuse. Of course, in fashionable society, not a syllable was whispered on either subject, and the party sat down to an unsatisfactory meal about nine o'clock. The potage only was tolerable; the Bechamel turbot was a rag; the patties cold; the entrées both cold and tough; the entremets sodden;-in short, it was altogether a most distressing failure. After swallowing a couple of glasses of claret, Lord H*rborough took his leave without going to the drawing-room, rather piqued with his cold dinner, and more so with his colder reception. Sir Gerard, much affronted by Lord S*rborough's neglect, and the ladies surprised at the oddness of the whole affair.

Meanwhile Lord S*rborough had an early and solitary dinner in the hotel, with nothing to divert his mind from the angry thoughts engendered in the forenoon. In this ill humour he ordered and paid his bill, and gave direction to be called in time for departure at an early hour of the morning.

Lord Y*rborough mused on the shadow of coming events which had crossed his path, and also retired early to sleep upon it.

So closed Saturday night.

On Sunday morning, soon after daylight, he was roused from his visions by the indomitable boots, upon whose punctuality depends so considerable a portion of all the real business and pleasures of social life, and informed that the chaise was waiting at the door. A long altercation ensued before boots could be persuaded that he had awakened a wrong person, as his lordship did not start till four o'clock p. m. The

"Leave, oh! leave me to repose,"

was scarcely uttered before the household functionary rattled up Lord H*rborough, where being also repulsed, he returned to his own dormitory, saying he would be cursed before he tried it on any other lodger. The consequences were that neither Lord Y*rborough nor Lord H*rborough could sleep again; and that Lord Srborough overslept himself soundly till near eleven o'clock, when he hastily swallowed his breakfast and broke away from the scenes of disorder and confusion. Lord H*rborough was seen wandering about the shady places all day

picking up small stones and projecting them in every shape of curve into the water, giving every now and then an uneasy twitch, and then stopping to gaze up the London road, as if he expected a parcel by the next delivery. Lord Y*rborough whistled and hummed tunes about his suite of apartments for four good hours, jumbling together "Love's young dream," "Jockey said to Jenny," "The Fairy Tempter," "The Charm," "The Blarney," "The Hour before Day," "Merry may the Maid be," "I wish I were where Helen lies," "When Night ber sable Mantle wore," "Oh! Love will venture in where it daren't well be seen," "Oh! saw ye Johnny coming? quo' she," "Love never more shall give me pain," Willie was a wanton Wag," "Saw ye my ain thing?" "The Robin came to the Wren's nest," "Bonnie Lassie, will ye go?" "Good night, and joy," and fifty other snatches which nobody could have believed he had ever heard, or if he had heard remembered. It was one of the funniest medleys ever performed, and was continued in the carriage all the while it rolled along the road; but we must change the scene to M-borough, where Mrs. Pimpernel and Sophia are enjoying their petit souper with greater gusto than Lord H*rborough enjoyed his yesterday's dinner at Sir Ge rard's. They had just hob-a-nobbed in their second or third glass of champagne, when the clock chimed ten, and a carriage drove rapidly into the court yard, and drew up at the entrance of the hall. "That's his lordship's," exclaimed Pimpernel ; "O dear,” sighed Sophia, slightly colouring, arranging her collar closer to her throat, stretching out her limbs gently, with one pretty ankle crossing the other, and reclining herself back in a somewhat languishing posture. "Oh dear, what shall I do?"

"The gent you expected from," said the waiter, opening the door, and ushering in the visitor. A scream from Pimpernel was echoed by Sophia, but the worthy waiter did not stay to ascertain the cause of the commotion. No, he shut the door, and planted himself with his eye and ear alternately to the key-hole outside. Near this locality he was speedily joined by Molly the chambermaid, who planted a chair a little farther on in the passage, which elevation she mounted and applied her visual orb to a little private peep-hole of her own in the partition, which fully commanded a view of all that might pass within the apartment whence the screams had been heard.

Now, though these observant parties could a tale unfold, it is not for modest chroniclers like us to enter into details, or reveal what ensued. Suffice it to say, that no one left the inn that night; that Sophia was reconciled to converse civilly with her unexpected apparition; that Pimpernel was satisfied, and it was not till a week had elapsed that she conveyed her virtuous, constant, and loving charge to the amatory and agitated arms of Lord H*rborough.

Moral. That Her Gracious Majesty, instructed by this story, of her own free royal will, may hereafter take especial care of the titles she confers on peers, either on creation or elevation. Even Lord Carbery had a near escape in the instance of some of the particulars of which we have here recorded; and, in short, it is not impossible that the crim. con. of Jupiter and Alcmena may be modernized if so many titles sounding so alike should prevail in the upper house. Better it were to borrow them from Hong Kong, or any other outlandish place, Chinese or Indian, than run the risk of any accidental mischance among the aristocracy, to whose example we are all bound to look up for the purest morality and correctness of conduct. I have now only to subscribe myself, in the initials of my three principal characters,

SHY.