2ndly. She has floundered on very well so far; but she wants tact to clinch the business: my manœuvres might assist her. Maneuvring. with a fool is a sure affair:-Ergo, &c.

Now it is clear, from all this, that there was no necessity for the catechist to outstrip the limits of modest suspicion, and to arraign the would-be sinner more austerely than her father confessor could have done. Trapp, therefore, modestly contented himself in demandingwhether there was, or had been, any thing in it? Whether Mr. Debonair had made any overtures? if he had broached the tender subject? if he had entered upon the point at issue? To all which Alicia made such faint and compromising denials, that Trapp must have been the veriest churl in being, if he had not persisted in asserting that things had gone too far between them; that they had passed the point where it became him, as a brother anxious for his sister's happiness, and three per cent consols, to interfere: and interfere he would, by heaven! by asking Mr. Debonair to partake of venison two days running, that he might have an opportunity of declaring and consummating his purpose; and then, by ! somebody's honour would be in jeopardy, if nothing came of it! This was a kind warning to Miss Trapp to prepare for action; and she did dispose every thing in array, from her girdle even to her garters. It turned out, by the most fortuitous premeditation, that no one could be found disengaged to join these parties, and consequently Sam had two long tête-a-tètes with Alicia, during an after-dinner nap, in which the brother chose to indulge. We have been able to collect abundance of testimony from Miss Trapp's green bag, relative to these most critical interviews, from which it appears, that much impropriety was then enacted. We shall state the special instance in our own way, that we may not offend public decorum, by using the broad and equivocal epithets with which her story was surcharged. It seems, that towards the close of the second evening, the conversation turned upon lap-dogs, àpropos to a lionated whelp of that denomination, that nuzzled himself on Miss Trapp's knees, and by his size, posture, and other incongruities, completely burlesqued the old allegory, of the lord of the shaggy mane, crouching harmless before virgin purity. Debonair openly professed his dislike, not of the natural, but of the artificial brood; assuredly from no envious feeling at the cur's situation, but from his respect for all that bore the form of human creature; because he could not bear to see it degraded by the freedoms of a favoured brute, that was itself degenerated by the adoption of human whims and fashions. In accordance with this feeling, Sam spoke warmly against the waste of sentiment, between a lady and a beast incapable of returning his passion; so that it became imperative on Miss Trapp to renounce the dog, or the man. In this tender contest, the dog had undoubtedly the best right to be preferred; for he had partaken of her bed and board long enough to found a prescriptive right to Doctor's Commons for the future, supposing that he had reason-or money enough-to prosecute his claims. But Miss Trapp had laid it out, for the future, in a different way; and had resolved that a dog should never come between her and the more dignified object of her choice-a husband: so the dog was to be kicked à mensâ et thoro, with as little compunction as Old Simon, the wooden man of the Fabliaux, was

consigned to the flames, the moment his mistress had obtained a more agreeable substitute of flesh and blood. Miss Trapp, therefore, in the softest growl imaginable, declared, that " a dog should never be the cause of dissension in the family in which she happened to be domesticated; for that she would turn him off, as in duty bound, whenever he was proscribed by those who had a right to dictate," and suiting the action to the word, she jerked the unconscious Leo from his nestling place. The dog, as was very natural, gave a howl at the presentiment of his approaching disgrace; and Sam, feeling himself the cause of the animal's sufferings, stooped to mitigate the pang by a caress; whereupon Leo, stung to the quick with jealousy and revenge, made a desperate snap at the fingers of the rival who had supplanted him, and drew blood from honest Sam's fore-finger. To start up with a scream, and to utter the most doleful lamentation; and to hang upon Sam's arm, and to wipe the blood off with her lace apron; and to-all but kiss the bleeding wound; were but the affair of a moment to Alice: and, when she had spotted over her entire garment, to continue to my-dear him, while she vowed the nasty monster should swing before morning, were but the affair of the nexthalf-hour.

Sam protested against the strangulation of the cur, as it was not mad, but only ill-bred; and did let slip the declaration, that he might be proud of the accident that had shown his dear Miss Trapp in so amiable a light. To this Miss Trapp sighed, or hiccupped, and threw down her eyes; which tropes Sam answered, by begging her not to take on so, for a gash that a strip of rag would effectually staunch. A new direction being thus given to her sad thoughts, she hastened to show her contempt of cambric and muslin, by tearing up several breadths, to make bandages for Sam's finger. The disfigurement of a gown or apron was not to be placed in competition with the prize she played for. But, lo! it would not do, without a cap to keep all snug; so, strit-strit-strit, went her softest leather glove, to form a purse, or Anger-bag, for Sam's digit. But, behold! it was too tight, and small, for so big a finger; and, to add to her mishaps, by dint of fumbling, and stretching, and working it too much, it became too wide, and would not fit. These trifles are only worth relating, in so far as they show, that Miss Trapp had none of the spirit of augury about her, or else she would have divined from those omens, that all her labour of love, towards a part even of Sam, was unavailing; what then could she expect in the whole? But if she wanted augury, in lieu she had downright generalship enough to know, that the outworks must be secured, before the citadel can be stormed; and she sought to get possession of Sam's finger-ends, as the weakest points from which to assail his heart. With this view, she forcibly occupied his hand, inverted the dismantled finger, and would have carried the remainder by assault, but that he resolutely withdrew his detachments, protected them by a breast-work of silk handkerchief, and manfully entrenched them in his breeches-pocket; determined, like a prudent commander in like circumstances, to call home his scattered troops, and not to be seduced, by any ruse of his antagonist, to commit himself to a close engagement under disadvantages. Foiled thus in her stratagems to draw him out, and not daring to send her JAN. 1827.

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skirmishers so near head-quarters, whither his outpost had retreated, she had recourse to the ordinary shifts of diplomacy in like cases, and prepared herself for a feint. It would have come on in the right time; when her services were rejected; when her nerves, that had been strung beyond their pitch to aid him, were now suddenly relaxed; when multiplied stains of blood flickered on her dizzy sight. When all these are considered, it must be admitted, that the occasion fully warranted the expedient, especially as it was met with a show and promise of success, that would have rendered it bad policy to abandon the measure; for simple-hearted Sam, blinded by gratitude, and perceiving no cold water at hand, as a last resource, seized Miss Trapp's unreluctant hand, and gently implored her not to faint. While he hung over her reclining person, shedding the honey-dew of benignity, in the softest words of blandishment and comfort-to man the whole catastrophe-in dropt brother Trapp, rubbing his eyes, and yawning like a cod's-head in a fishmonger's shop. He had heard the scream-the bustle-and protracted his entrance for a time, no doubt expecting to see fine things going on. He was apparently not disappointed; for, with an affected start, a well toned exclamation, and a look of surprise, all in the style of an accused pickpocket, he ushered in the last act of the piece, now fast drawing towards its denouement. Sam started too, for he was somewhat flurried at Trapp's evident mistrust or artifice; but determined to intercept his retreat, and to make him see things in their true light, upon the spot. But it is a hard task to explain the commonest occurrence to unwilling ears; particularly when the very witness you summon half-swoons away at a home question, and is but little anxious for your exculpation. Sam laid all the fault upon the dog; but his judge, less charitable, was mute, and would believe that there was more harm done than a dog could do; and Miss Trapp looked for all the world as if she meant to turn approver, and to own herself an accessary, for the sake of convicting the principal, and clearing the dog of the capital charge.

It was evident, by the first words that fell from Trapp's magisterial lips, that Sam had not made out his defence-if defence it were. "Good God! Mr. Debonair, is this a time for explanation? when my poor sister-delicacy might suggest the propriety of deferring-though it appears odd, very odd indeed. Alicia, my dear, you had better retire, since Mr. Debonair insists-" Mr. Debonair could insist upon nothing, after that, but retiring himself, and postponing his plea. The court was adjourned; but it was evident that the information of Alicia and the dog would be taken, and sent up to the grand jury. "The grand jury! whither are your wits straggling? What grand jury would take cognizance of such an affair?" It matters not, I reply, whether they were a grand jury regularly empannelled, or a mere self-constituted inquest of busy-bodics, who love to put people upon trial for character. It matters not a rush; for in all essential points the said busy-bodies exercise the same functions with respect to reputations, and return or quash bills of scandal upon as slight grounds as county juries do bills of indictment. In this case it happened, that the charges were so technically drawn up, that any, the most diluted censor of morals must have waived their probability

in favor of their circumstantiality. The first grand count was for a felony, in stealing a certain commodity from Miss Trapp's person; to wit, a quantity of heart, be the same more or less, value five shillings. The second was for a trespass, in deflowering her apron, by spilling thereon certain drops of blood, to the great damage and disrepute of the aforesaid owner. Then followed the minor counts for misdemeanours, for doing and not doing, &c.; and at the foot of all was tacked the cost of muslin, cambric, and leather, lost by the plaintiff in swaddling the defendant's finger: and I assure you, by the time these counts, in various editions, had circulated among the members of the above high tribunal, there was no small degree of odium and prejudice excited against the traverser. But again I repeat, it matters not, who the judges were, nor what the accusation was; nor how the case was made out; nor what the verdict may have been; for all this has nothing to do with Sam's disgrace: nor should we ever have detailed it, even as an episode, and would now scratch the whole story from our pages, but for the strict duty that devolved upon us, as matter-of-fact historians, to account for the remotest cause of the prejudice against poor Sam. It arose not from his jilting Miss Trapp; to give the harshest name to his alleged offence-for we will be bound to say, that such an event would have reinstated him in the good graces of all, whom he had alienated by his attentions to her; while with all the rest, a word from honest Sam would have dispersed her insinuations against him; for as it was, they were never thoroughly believed; and for every tirade against him, there was a load of diatribes against his defamers.

When exile, by this species of ostracism, was enforced against Sam, the Trapps were no more thought of than if they had never existed; or else, depend upon it, they would have been included. No! We are anxious to exonerate the world, with all its caprice and injustice, from the disparaging conjecture that they could have hesitated an instant between candour and duplicity-between the fairest impress of honest worth and the slimy trail of low contrivance. Our readers, we hope, will dismiss all idea of Miss Trapp from their minds, as the cause of Sam's ejectment from society. She, indeed, was instrumental to it so was the dog; but let us not add to her vain-glory, by giving her credit for so much mischievous influence. It required no less a power to convert Sam's innocence into crime than an enactment of the supreme legislative, the world, expressed through the medium of its august representatives, Messrs. and Mesdames This, That, and T'other. The act never had a preamble-the offence a name. It was a thing sine generis, pro tempore, created for the occasion alone-a sin not to be found in Deuteronomy-the very genus of which is not classed under the categories that include all terms. Spirit of the Stagyrite, aid me in defining or describing it!

Be it known then, that in the course of Mr. Trapp's intrigues and cabals to get Sam voted, by acclamation, into a vacancy, which Sam by no means wished to fill (a sort of night-constableship of St. Trapp's); by dint of repetition and amplification, he did persuade the overseers that Sam was not what he appeared, and out of this persuasion immediately resulted the inquiry which cashiered him; and that was, who could he be, if not what he appeared? It is true,

that Trapp spirited on the question, by mightily incommoding himself to learn who the man was that had (not) made pretensions to his sister, and called upon several of Sam's intimates for precise information on that head. But no one could tell Sam's adjuncts, style, or pedigree. They knew very well what he was; for nature had so clearly printed gentleman on his noble brow, and had given him besides such letters patent, in the manners and sentiments of a man of honour, that the blazonry of the herald-office could not have added one iota to his real respectability; but the importance of who or what, in forensic language, is widely different. The first interrogative pronoun, it seems, possesses the power of annihilation, by making its relative nobody, whereas the last can take no such liberty with its relations. On this occasion, the little, crooked, impertinent thing ran from house to house, implicating every one who had ever countenanced his discarded relative, thus: "How did you become acquainted with this interloper? On whose recommendation did you receive him?" And each catechumen who had promoted Sam's reception, and who could not directly and properly answer the spiteful interrogation, was pronounced a particeps criminis by this whole tribe of who-ridden catechists.

The very sectary who had paved his introduction, who might have prided himself upon his judgment, could tell no more of Sam than that he had met him in a stage-coach, or on board a steam-packet, and invited him to his house in return for some civility; but even he, in his threatened fulmination against a heretic, was afraid of provoking, by contumacy, the Holy Inquisition, and of falling under the same ban of excommunication as Sam, should he stand up in defence of him. Thus Sam, having no sponsor nor voucher, was cast, like an unbaptized abomination, out of the pale of the communion, and overwhelmed with all the indignities that ignorance and bigotry could heap upon him.

How it happened that so frank a fellow should not have confided all about himself to his friends, is a question that he alone can solve: probably he was too inuch a citizen of the world to individualize persons or places, too little of an egotist to distinguish the first singular when there were so many third persons of vastly more historical importance. I have heard him speak like Plutarch of the heroes and brief monarchs of the late war; but he so backed his speech with authorities, that none could tell whether his knowledge was reading or observation; and he always foiled the inquisitive by interposing a prince or field-marshal between himself and his challenger, giving some trait of his highness or his grace, in reply to a question about himself. It may be, that he was content to enter the portal, without penetrating into the temple of friendship; and it may be, that his acquaintance allowed him access to the state-rooms, while they inhospitably excluded him from the resting-chambers of their hearts. Nothing is certain by the sequel, except that his philosophy, whether built upon natural reserve or deep knowledge of mankind, was wellfounded; that he was right in withholding his secret from the world, and in letting them know no more of his rank, estate, and circumstances, than they could glean from his coat, occasional coach-hire, and rarer tavern treats.