FAMILY QUARrels.

"A fool," said Jeanette, “is a creature I hate!"

"But hating," quoth John, "is immoral; Besides, my dear girl, it's a terrible fate

To be found in a family quarrel."

FLESH OR FISH?

A man being drown'd,

Was ne'er again found,

Saxe.

"Sure he's gone the way of all flesh;"

Then another did reply,

"Sir, that I do deny,

Sure he's gone the way of all fish."

TWO OF A TRADE.

Tom hates a liar, thus we see,

Two of a trade can ne'er agree.

THE BELLS.

To call the folks to church in time,

I chime;

When mirth and pleasure's on the wing,
I ring;

When from the body parts the soul,

I toll.

HOW TO CHOOSE A WIFE.

Good sir, if you 'll show the best of your skill,

To pick a virtuous creature,

Then pick such a wife as you love a life,
Of a comely gracé and feature.
The noblest part let it be her heart,
Without deceit or cunning.

With a nimble wit, and all things fit,

With a 'tongue that 's never running:
The hair of her head it must not be red,
But fair and brown as a berry;
Her forehead high, with a crystal eye,
Her lips as red as a cherry.

THE SHOWER BATH.

Quoth Dermot, (a lodger at Mrs O'Flynn's,)
"How queerly my shower-bath feels!
It shocks like a posse of needles and pins,
Or a shoal of electrical eels."

Quoth Murphy, "Then mend it, and I'll tell you how ;

It's all your own fault, my good fellow; I used to be bother'd as you are, but now I'm wiser-I take my umbrella!"

CONNUBIAL COMPANY.

'My dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaim'd, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?"

"Not so, my love," he said, "not so: But man and wife are one you know, And when alone I'm weary!"

A FEW ANAGRAMS.

Merry Parson,

No prayers, Mr

Ah! would ye lose strife? Do haste, sell your wife.

Flit on, cheering angel, Florence Nightingale.

Moonstarers,

Got as a clue,

To love ruin,

Sly ware,

Golden Land,

Honor est a Nilo,

Great Helps,

Partial men,

Mind his map,

Into my arm,

Yes, Milton,

Nine Thumps,

Astronomers.

Catalogues.

Revolution.

Lawyers.

Old England.

Horatio Nelson.

Telegraphs.

Parliament.

Midshipman.

Matrimony.
Solemnity.

Punishment.

F

THE THRIVING TRADESMAN.

When a couple of broom-men had chatted one day

On a number of things in a sociable way,

A new subject they started. Says Jack, "My friend Joe,

I have long been most plaguily puzzled to know How you manage to sell your brooms cheaper than mine,

As I steal the materials." "I like your design,"

Replied Joe; "but improvement's the soul of trade:

All the brooms I dispose of I steal ready made."

HOW TO APPLY A TEXT.

"Whatever is, is right," says Pope—

So said a sturdy thief;

But when his case required a rope,
He varied his belief.

I ask'd, if still he held it good?

66

Why, no," he sternly cried ; "Good texts are only understood By being well applied.”

WHAT GOOD WIVES SHOULD BE LIKE AND

WHAT NOT LIKE.

Good wives to snails should be akin,
Always their houses keep within;
But not to carry (fashion's hacks!)
All they have upon their backs.

Good wives, like echoes still should do,
Speak only when they're spoken to:
But not like echoes, (most absurd!)
To have for ever the last word.

Good wives like city clocks should rhyme,
Be regular and keep in time;

But not like city clocks aloud,

Be heard by all the vulgar crowd.

POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE.

Of this establishment how can we speak ?
Its cheese is mity, and its ale is weak.

A QUESTION Answered.

What is the reason, can you guess,

Why men are poor, and women thinner?

So much do they for dinner dress,

That nothing's left to dress for dinner.