Each striving his neighbour's to smother; Here's a dwarf, and a monster, both beautiful sights! Both done so well, you can't say which is worst ;- Every mansion as full as the street appears; In all, gaming claims indiscriminate love : The blacking-box serving as table. The Palais Royal is a separate fair, With its pickpockets, gamblers, and nymphs debonnaire, Of character somewhat uncertain : But as it is late, and these scenes, I suspect, Won't bear a detail too minute and direct, H. STANZAS On hearing that the late Lady W-r's artificial flowers remained in her hair to the last; the severity of her illness precluding change of dress. OH! take those roses from her hair, Had they been cull'd from Nature's breast, Like her-we should have seen them fade, But these the glaring gifts of art, HEROINES are generally no great favourites with the sex whose deeds they emulate; men are not fond of female competitors either in bodily or mental strength, and she who reads Latin or leaps a fivebarred gate is warned off by lordly man as an unlicensed and unqualified poacher upon his manors. Woe to the Amazon and the bluestocking! each is too likely to incur the same dreadful denunciation which Cardinal Mazarin launched against Mademoiselle de Montpensier when she mounted the ramparts of the Bastille; of each it may most probably be said: "elle a tué son mari." For my own part, I differ on these subjects from the generality of mankind: if ever I marry, it shall be a woman who can break a horse or has been up in a balloon; and all my daughters shall hunt and learn mathematics in order to strengthen their nerves. Feminine tremours and palpitations may sound interesting enough to the uninitiated, but alas! they convey no pleasing ideas to him who has a mother, four sisters, three aunts, and six cousins, all the most preposterous and clamorous cowards in existence. God bless them all! I love them sincerely, perceive and appreciate their numerous good qualities, would do any thing on earth to serve and oblige them; but I wish they would not ask me to walk with them about London. Country rambles are bad enough, we are sure to meet mad bulls disguised like milch-cows, or ruffians in carters' frocks, to hear a hornet's hum in every breeze, and see adders coiled in every hedge; but London expeditions are a thousand times worse. Unfortunately, my mother and aunts are so complimentary as to prefer my arm to any other support; and, when lovers and danglers are not at command, the younger ladies frequently request my escort. I find myself unequal to refusal or demur; but, after one of these bewildering excursions, I return home very kindly disposed towards the heroines of history and romance, and often indulge myself in fond imaginations as to the quiet comfortable walks I should have with a Marfisa on one arm, and a Britomart on the other. No startings and screamings, no dashing half-distracted into a shop at the glimpse of a distant ox, no scampering full speed over a crossing because a hackney-coach is at thirty yards distance. I feel assured that the Senora Padilla would have made no objection to walking past the two cavaliers at the horse-guards, nor would Aldrude, Countess of Bertinoro, have crossed the road to avoid a Newfoundland dog. Perhaps to some persons there may be nothing very alluring in the idea of a lady, who, like Camilla, «medias inter cædes exultat," or like the tiger-nursed Clorinda :— "Chi veste l'armi, e se d'uscirne agogna, Vassene, e non la tien tema o vergogna" but I confess I should very much prefer them to Erminia, "timida e smarrita," of whom I have, unfortunately, too many specimens in my own family. Why should not English ladies be embodied into regiments like the King of Dahomey's three thousand wives, taught to stand fire, and cured of all nervous affections for life by the sight of a field of battle? But, if this were objected to, surely female seminaries might be established for the express purpose of teaching courage, where the pupils should be arranged in classes, and urged to emulation by example and reward. No uncommon bravery, no masculine hardihood should be required, but all should be taught to walk quietly by a led horse, to see a mouse run across a room without screaming, and not to be afraid of cock-chaffers, or father-long-legs; and prizes should be given to those who could touch an unloaded gun without trembling, and see a spider on their gown without fainting away. They might be carefully instructed in many other useful particulars, and their writingcopies might run as follows, "Do not suppose all dogs are mad in the summer," or "Shrieking does not diminish danger," or "Avoid rousing your family when the wind moves your shutters." In two or three years great progress might be made in bravery, and there would be time enough afterwards for the acquirement of less useful accomplishments. Oh that such a system were adopted! Then, and only then might we hope to find an Englishwoman capable of imitating the French lady celebrated by M. de la Lande, who scrambled up the inclined ladder at the top of St. Peter's, mounted the ball, and leaned upon avec une souplesse et une grace inconcevable." I confess myself a little sceptical as to the extraordinary grace of such an action; but I should admire it as the symptom of a stout heart, as a tacit renunciation of the nervous tremours, thrilling shrieks and shrieking cries," for which the generality of the sex are distinguished, -as an earnest of peaceful walks, days without hypothetical horrors, and nights undisturbed by imaginary housebreakers. the cross, Any one would suppose that my mother had detected me in a plot for her destruction, and that whenever I walked out with her she expected me to take the first favourable opportunity of getting her run over. She believes none of my assurances, listens to none of my arguments, and looks seriously provoked if I venture to tell her that she is in no danger. I must be blind if I do not perceive that every gighorse is "skittish," and I am accused of obstinacy if I refuse to bear testimony to her numerous "hair-breadth escapes." Then there are such long refuges in shops while a line of drays is passing, such wearying pauses, such turning of the head from side to side, such wild, calculating glances up and down the street, so many faint attempts and precipitate returns ere the desperate resolution is taken to dash over a crossing. I am foolish enough to feel half-ashamed of myself when I see the suppressed sneer or broad grin of the passengers, while my runaway companion stops to regain her breath and collect her scattered spirits; and I should often persuade her to hide her disorder in a hackney-coach, were it not that my eldest sister, who is very frequently on my other arm, is so dreadfully frightened in a carriage that it would be only an exchange of terrors. Poor Charlotte! she has made up her mind to a broken neck, and reads every accident of the kind recorded in the papers, as if it were the Char counterpart of her own approaching fate. I was so little with my sisters during my boyhood, owing to our holidays seldom occurring at the same time, that I had left Westminster, and been three years at Oxford, before I became acquainted with Charlotte's peculiar fears. The discovery was most unfortunately timed. During the first vacation after I took my degree, I resolved to reward myself for past study and application by a tour through part of North Wales, and I asked my two eldest sisters to be my companions. We had travelled but little, and were just at the age to enjoy such an excursion: we were to see every sight in our way, climb every mountain, watch the sunrise from the top of Snowdon, fill our drawing-books with sketches; in short, we were to be quite happy, and we talked over our plans with great delight. Alas! in anticipation only were they delightful, for I never had a more miserable journey in my life. We set out in high glee, the weather was beautiful, our health was good, but before two days were over, I envied every one I had left behind me. lotte's fears shewed themselves in a very short time: at the least jolt she turned pale; if a waggon passed, she expected it to take off ore of our wheels; at every corner she put down all the glasses; when we were going up a hill, she assured us we were jibbing; when we went down, she clasped her hands, closed her eyes, and seemed screwing up her courage to the necessity of being dashed to pieces. Then she was always giving directions to the post-boy: now he drove too fast, now she was certain the traces were broken; sometimes a wheel was about to take fire, sometimes a horse was on the point of dropping down dead. Towards evening my sister Anna's terrors commenced: after six o'clock every man who came in sight was a footpad or a highwayman; her purse was always in her hand ready to deliver on demand; with tears in her eyes she urged me to make no resistance; and once she positively fainted away because a gentleman, with a groom behind him, politely rode up to the carriage-window to inform us we had dropped a parcel. As we approached the more mountainous country, our miseries increased: we were now scarcely ever in the carriage; Charlotte insisted upon walking whenever we came to a steep or rough road, and as this frequently occurred, we suffered the fatigue of pedestrian tourists, were completely tired and spiritless when we arrived at our inn, unequal to an evening ramble, and glad to go to bed by daylight. I could not even have the satisfaction of scolding, for it would have been cruel to reproach one who was always reproaching herself, and whose eyes were constantly overflowing with tears of terror or of penitence. Most desirous not to abridge our pleasure, she always fancied herself equal to every undertaking; always assured us over-night that she was ashamed of her previous fears, and determined to be more courageous on the morrow. Thus encouraged, we set out on ponies, or on foot, to visit some romantic scenery; but half way up a mountain Charlotte's spirit fails her, the danger is too great to be encountered-it is madness, suicide, to proceed. She will stay where she is till our return, the servant shall remain with her, it will distress her extremely if we do not go on. Accordingly all is settled; but Anna and myself are speedily recalled by violent and repeated screams-Charlotte is now certain that we must be dashed to pieces, and she never could forgive herself if she permitted us to encounter destruction so inevitable. With clasped hands and streaming cheeks she implores us to give up our design: fear is infectious, Anna thinks of mountain banditti, and joins in the request: I am at length overcome; and all the evening is spent in vain regrets for the follies of the morning. Disappointed and annoyed, condemned either to lonely excursions, or to walks curtailed by my sisters' terrors, I shortened my tour; and, after much fatigue and considerable expense, returned to London without having seen one half of the beauties I had so long and so often wished to behold. Charlotte, the contrite Charlotte, incessantly blames herself for her conduct, blushes if we talk of mountains, and weeps at the very name of Wales; and by common consent, the tour which was to furnish us with conversation for life, is an interdicted subject in the family. My two young sisters' terrors have chosen different objects, they are infected with entomological horrors. On fine warm days in summer, ten minutes seldom pass without their starting up in consternation, flying to different corners of the room, elevating their handkerchiefs in defence, and shrinking their persons into the smallest possible compass, in order to avoid a wasp or humble-bee. This is the first summer I have been able to persevere in reading aloud to my family; for, thanks to the cold weather in May and June, very few of these enemies of industry and literature remained to eat apricots and terrify young ladies. Their well known hum is the signal for panic and confusion down go work and books, and pens and pencils; Jane and Mary scream, and take to flight; their sisters seize the first implement of destruction that is at hand, and nothing more can be done or thought of, till the luckless intruder has paid the penalty of his life; then needles and India-rubber are to be found, and, before employment is quietly resumed, another tocsin sounds another skirmish and another death. Then there is no persuading these two silly girls to join our evening walks in the country. At that refreshing season of cool airs and sweet smells, when only a pale streak of light tells where the sun last shewed his glorious face, when the constellations are gradually spangling their various figures on the misty blue of the sky, and the soft influence of evening has sweetened those sounds which fell harshly on the ear by day, when a dog's distant howl is agreeable, and the grating of a waggon's wheels is listened to with pleasure at this time, when it is so delightful to saunter, not to walk, and to chat in subdued tones with those we love; when my spirits, my feelings, and my affections, always seem in their best state-at this time out come my unfortunate sisters' deadly foes, the frog, the bat, and the cock-chaffer, little suspecting their power of imprisoning two fair damsels, from whose distant tread they would fly in consternation. Anna, too, is equally prevented from taking an evening ramble; for after sun-set the woods and groves are peopled by banditti and if I coax her out, while I am gazing on the boles of the trees, silvered by the rising moon, or pausing to catch the notes of |
