TARLTON'S COURT-WITTY JESTS.

How Tarlton plaid the drunkard before the Queene.

The Queene being discontented, which Tarlton perceiving, took upon him to delight her with some quaint jest: whereupon he counterfaited a drunkard, and called for beere, which was brought immediately. Her Majestie, noting his humor, commanded that he should have no more; for, quoth shee, he will play the beast, and so shame himselfe. Feare not you, quoth Tarlton, for your beere is small enough. Whereat Her Majestie laughed heartily, and commanded that he should have enough.

How Tarlton deceived the watch in Fleetstreet. Tarlton, having bin late at court, and comming homewards thorow Fleetstreet, he espied the watch, and, not knowing how to passe them, hee went very fast, thinking by that meanes to goe unexmained: but the watchmen, percieving that hee shunned them, stept to him and commanded him, in the queene's name, to stand. Stand? quoth Tarlton, let them stand that can, for I cannot. So, falling downe as though he had been drunke, they helpt him up, and so let him passe.

How Tarlton flouted a lady in the court.

Upon a time, Tarlton being among certaine ladies at a banquet which was at Greenewich, the queene then lying there, one of the ladies had her face full of pimples with heat at her stomake; for which cause she refused to drinke wine amongst the rest of the ladies: which Tarlton perceiving, for he was there of purpose to jest amongst them, quoth he: A murren of that face, which makes all the body fare the worse for it. At which the rest of the ladies laught, and she, blushing for shame, left the banquet.

Tarlton's opinion of oysters.

Certaine noblemen and ladies of the court, being eating of oysters, one of them, seeing Tarlton, called him, and asked him if he loved oysters. No, quoth Tarlton, for they be ungodly meate, uncharitable meat, and unprofitable meate. Why? quoth the courtiers. They are ungodly, sayes Tarlton, because they are eaten without grace; uncharitable, because they leave nought but shells; and unprofitable, because they must swim in wine.

Tarlton's resolution of a question.

One of the company taking the gentlemans part, asked Tarlton at what time he thought the divell to be most busied. When the pope dies, quoth he. Why, saies the courtier. Marry, answered he, then all the devells are troubled and busied to plague him; for he hath sent many a soule before him thither, that exclaime against him.

How a parsonage fell in Tarlton's hands.

Her Majestie, dining in the Strand at the Lord Treasurers,1 the lords were very desirous that she would vouchsafe to stay

1 Burghley House, in the Strand.

all night, but nothing could prevaile with her. Tarlton was in his clownes apparell, being all dinner while in the presence with her, to make her merry; and hearing the sorrow that the noblemen made that they could not worke her stay, he asked the nobles what they would give him to worke her stay. The lords promised him any thing, to performe it. Quoth he, procure me the parsonage of Shard. They caused the patent to be drawne presently. He got on a parson's gowne and a corner-cap, and, standing upon the stairs, where the queene should descend, he repeated these words: A parson or no parson? A parson, or no parson? But, after she knew his meaning, shee not only stayd all night, but the next day willed he should have possession of the benefice. A madder parson was never, for he threatned to turne the bellmettle into lyning for his purse; which he did, the parsonage and all, into ready money.

How Tarlton proved two gentlewomen dishonest by their owne words.

Tarlton seeing in Greenwich two gentlewomen in the garden together, to move mirth, comes to them, and enquires thus: Gentlewomen, which of you two is the honester? I, sayes the one, I hope, without exceptions: and I, quoth the other, since we must speake for ourselves. So, then, sayes Tarlton, one of you, by your own words, is dishonest, one being honester than the other, else you would answere otherwise; but, as I found you, so I leave you.

1 This anecdote, pudoris causa, I have thought it expedient to omit.

There is no fact of any importance in it.

How Tarlton dared a lady.

At the dinner in the great chamber, where Tarlton jested, the ladies were daring one another. Quoth one, I ever durst do any thing that is honest and honourable. A French crowne of that, sayes Tarlton. Ten pound of that, sayes the lady. Done, sayes one. Done, sayes another. Tarlton put two pence betwixt his lips, and dared her to take it away with her lips. Fie, sayes shee, that is immodesty. What, to kisse? says Tarlton, then immodesty beares a great hand over all: but once in your life, say you have beene beaten at your owne weapon. Well, sir, sayes shee, you may say any thing. Then, sayes Tarlton, remember I say you dare not, and so my wager is good.

How Tarlton landed at Cuckolds-haven.'

3

Tarlton being one Sunday at court all day, caused a paire of oares 2 to tend him, who at night called on him to be gone. Tarlton, being a carousing, drunk so long to the watermen, that one of them was bumpsie; and so, indeede, were all three for the most part. At last they left Greenwich, the tide being at great low fall, the watermen yet afraide of the crosse cables by the Lime house, very dark and late as it was, landed Tarlton at Cuckolds-haven, and said, the next day they would give him a reason for it. But Tarlton was faine to goe by land to Redriffe on the dirty banke, every step knee-deepe: so that, comming home, hee called one of his boyes to help him off with his boots, meaning his stockings, which were died of

1 A spot on the river Thames, a little below Rotherhithe, still called Cuckold's Point. See Webster's Works, iii., 197, for an account of the curious tradition respecting this spot. The court of course was then at Greenwich.

2 That is, two watermen.

3 Nearly tipsy.