It is now about seven years since I promised (and I grieve to think it is almost as long since we met) to dedicate to you the very first Book, of whatever size or kind, I should publish. Who could have thought that so many years would elapse, without my giving the least signs of life upon the subject of this important promise? Who could have imagined that a volume of doggerel, after all, would be the first offering that Gratitude would lay upon the shrine of Friendship?

If you continue, however, to be as much interested about me and my pursuits as formerly, you will be happy to hear that doggerel is not my only occupation; but that I am preparing to throw my name to the Swans of the Temple of Immortality, leaving it, of course, to the said Swans to determine, whether they ever will take the trouble of picking it from the stream.

In the mean time, my dear Woolriche, like an orthodox Lutheran, you must judge of me rather by my faith than my works; and however trifling

1" Chère Sceptique, douce pâture de mon ame, et l'unique port de salut à une esprit qui aime le repos !"-La Mothe le Tayer.

the tribute which I here offer, never doubt the fidelity with which I am, and always shall be,

Your sincere and

attached Friend,

THE AUTHOR.

March 4, 1813.

PREFACE.

THE Bag, from which the following Letters are selected, was dropped by a Twopenny Postman about two months since, and picked up by an emissary of the Society for the Suppression of Vice, who, supposing it might materially assist the private researches of that Institution, immediately took it to his employers, and was rewarded handsomely for his trouble. Such a treasury of secrets was worth a whole host of informers; and accordingly, like the Cupids of the poet (if I may use so profane a simile) who "fell at odds about the sweet-bag of a bee," those venerable Suppressors almost fought with each other for the

2 Ariosto, canto 35.

3 Herrick.

honor and delight of first ransacking the PostBag. Unluckily, however, it turned out, upon examination, that the discoveries of profligacy which it enabled them to make, lay chiefly in those upper regions of society, which their well-bred regulations forbid them to molest or meddle with. -In consequence, they gained but very few victims by their prize, and, after lying for a week or two under Mr. Hatchard's counter, the Bag, with its violated contents, was sold for a trifle to a friend of mine.

It happened that I had been just then seized with an ambition (having never tried the strength of my wing but in a Newspaper) to publish something or other in the shape of a Book; and it occurred to me that, the present being such a letter-writing era, a few of these Twopenny-Post Epistles, turned into easy verse, would be as light and popular a task as I could possibly select for a commencement. I did not, however, think it prudent to give too many Letters at first, and, accordingly, have been obliged (in order to eke out a sufficient number of pages) to reprint some of those trifles which had already appeared in the public journals. As in the battles of ancient times, the shades of the departed were sometimes seen among the combatants, so I thought I might manage to remedy the thinness of my ranks by conjuring up a few dead and forgotten ephemerons to fill them.

Such are the motives and accidents that led to the present publication; and as this is the first time my Muse has ever ventured out of the go-cart of a Newspaper, though I feel all a parent's delight at seeing little Miss go alone, I am also not without a parent's anxiety, lest an unlucky fall should be the consequence of the experiment; and I need not point out how many living instances might be found, of Muses that have suffered very severely in their heads, from taking rather too early and rashly to their feet. Besides, a Book is so very different a thing from a Newspaper!—in the former, your doggerel, without either company or shelter, must stand shivering in the middle of a bleak page by itself; whereas, in the latter, it is comfortably backed by advertisements, and has sometimes even a speech of Mr. St-ph-n's, or something equally warm, for a chauffe-pié-so that, in general, the very reverse of "laudatur et alget" is its destiny.

Ambition, however, must run some risks, and I shall be very well satisfied if the reception of these few Letters should have the effect of sending me to the Post-Bag for more

1 Pindar, Pyth. 2.-My friend certainly cannot add our' ev αι δρασι κερασφόρον.

PREFACE

TO THE FOURTEENTH EDITION.

BY A FRIEND OF THE AUTHOR.

In the absence of Mr. Brown, who is at pres on a tour through I feel myself ca

upon, as his friend, to notice certain misconcepti and misrepresentations, to which this little volu of Trifles has given rise.

In the first place, it is not true that Mr. Bro has had any accomplices in the work. A n indeed, which has hitherto accompanied his face, may very naturally have been the origin such a supposition; but that note, which merely the coquetry of an author, I have, in present edition, taken upon myself to remove, Mr. Brown must therefore be considered (like mother of that unique production, the Cent pova kat povov as alone responsible for the wh contents of the volume.

In the next place it has been said, that consequence of this graceless little book, a cer distinguished Personage prevailed upon anot distinguished Personage to withdraw from author that notice and kindness with which had so long and so liberally honored him. In story there is not one syllable of truth. the magnanimity of the former of these person would, indeed, in no case answer too rashly: of the conduct of the latter towards my frien have a proud gratification in declaring, that it never ceased to be such as he must remember y indelible gratitude;-a gratitude the more ch fully and warmly paid, from its not being a incurred solely on his own account, but for k ness shared with those nearest and dearest to hir

To the charge of being an Irishman, Mr. Brown pleads guilty; and I believe it also be acknowledged that he comes of a Ro Catholic family: an avowal which I am awa decisive of his utter reprobation, in the eyes those exclusive patentees of Christianity, so wo to have been the followers of a certain enlighte Bishop, Donatus, who held "that God is in Af and not elsewhere." But from all this it does necessarily follow that Mr. Brown is a Papist ; indeed, I have the strongest reasons for suspec that they, who say so, are somewhat mista Not that I presume to have ascertained his opin upon such subjects. All I profess to know of orthodoxy is, that he has a Protestant wife

2 Bishop of Casa Nigra, in the fourth century.

two or three little Protestant children, and that he has been seen at church every Sunday, for a whole year together, listening to the sermons of his truly reverend and amiable friend, Dr. and

Since the time of horse-consuls, (now long out of date,)

No nags ever made such a stir in the state.
Lord Eld-n first heard-and as instantly pray'd he

There are yet a few other mistakes and falsehoods about Mr. Brown, to which I had intended, with all becoming gravity, to advert; but I begin to think the task is quite as useless as it is tiresome. Misrepresentations and calumnies of this sort are, like the arguments and statements of Dr. Duigenan, -not at all the less vivacious or less serviceable to their fabricators, for having been refuted and disproved a thousand times over. They are brought forward again, as good as new, whenever malice or stupidity may be in want of them; and are quite as useful as the old broken lantern, in Fielding's Amelia, which the watchman always keeps ready by him, to produce, in proof of riotous conduct, against his victims. I shall therefore give up the fruitless toil of vindication, and would even draw my pen over what I have already written, had I not promised to furnish my publisher with a Preface, and know not how else I could contrive to eke it out.

I have added two or three more trifles to this edition, which I found in the Morning Chronicle, and knew to be from the pen of my friend. The rest of the volume remains1 in its original state.

April 20, 1814.

INTERCEPTED LETTERS,

&c.

LETTER I.

FROM THE PR-NC-SS CH-RL-E OF W-LS TO THE LADY B-RB-A ASHLY.

My dear Lady Bab, you'll be shock'd, I'm afraid, When you hear the sad rumpus your Ponies have made;

1 A new reading has been suggested in the original of the Ode of Horace, freely translated by Lord Eld-n, page 166 In the line "Sive per Syrteis iter æstuosas," it is proposed, by a very trifling alteration, to read “Surtees," instead of "Syrteis," which brings the Ode, it is said, more home to the noble translator, and gives a peculiar force and aptness to the epi

The Doctor, and he, the devout man of Leather,* V-ns-tt-t, now laying their Saint-heads together,

Declare that these skittish young a-bominations

Are clearly foretold in Chap. vi. Revelations-
Nay, they verily think they could point out the one
Which the Doctor's friend Death was to canter upon.
Lord H-rr-by, hoping that no one imputes
To the Court any fancy to persecute brutes,
Protests, on the word of himself and his cronies,
That had these said creatures been Asses, not Ponies,
The Court would have started no sort of objection,
As Asses were, there, always sure of protection.

thet "æstuosas." I merely throw out this emendation for the earned, being unable myself to decide upon its merits. 2 This young Lady, who is a Roman Catholic, had lately made a present of some beautiful Ponies to the Pr-nc-ss. 9 Mr. Addington, so nicknamed.

4 Alluding to a tax lately laid upon leather.

BEFORE I send this scrawl away,
I seize a moment, just to say,
There's some parts of the Turkish system
So vulgar, 'twere as well you miss'd 'em.
For instance-in Seraglio matters--
Your Turk, whom girlish fondness flatters,
Would fill his Haram (tasteless fool!)
With tittering, red-cheek'd things from school.
But here (as in that fairy land,

Where Love and Age went hand in hand;1
Where lips, till sixty, shed no honey,
And Grandams were worth any money,)
Our Sultan has much riper notions-
So, let your list of she-promotions
Include those only, plump and sage,
Who've reach'd the regulation-age;
That is, (as near as one can fix
From Peerage dates,) full fifty-six.

This rule's for far'rites-nothing moreFor, as to wives, a Grand Signor, Though not decidedly without them, Need never care one curse about them.

LETTER III.

FROM G-GE PR-CE R-G-T TO THE E OF YTU.2

WE miss'd you last night at the "hoary old sinner's,"
Who gave us, as usual, the cream of good dinners;
His soups scientific-his fishes quite prime-
His pâtés superb-and his cutlets sublime!
In short, 'twas the snug sort of dinner to stir a
Stomachic orgasm in my Lord El-b-gh,
Who set to, to be sure, with miraculous force,
And exclaim'd, between mouthfuls, "a He-Cook of
course!-

"While you live-(wnat's there under that cover? pray, look)—

"While you live-(I'll just tasto it) ne'er keep a She-Cook.

""Tis a sound Salic Law-(a small bit of that

The dinner, you know, was in gay celebration Of my brilliant triumph and H-nt's condemnation;

A compliment, too, to his Lordship the Judge For his Speech to the Jury-and zounds! who would grudge

Turtle soup, though it came to five guineas a bowl,

To reward such a loyal and complaisant soul? We were all in high gig-Roman Punch and Tokay

Travell'd round, till our heads travell'd just the

same way;

And we cared not for Juries or Libels-nodamme! nor

Ev'n for the threats of last Sunday's Examiner!

More good things were eaten than said-but

Tom T-rrh-t

In quoting Joe Miller, you know, has some merit;
And, hearing the sturdy Justiciary Chief
Say-sated with turtle-"I'll now try the beef"-

1 The learned Colonel must allude here to a description of the Mysterious Isle, in the History of Abdalla, son of Hanif, where such inversions of the order of nature are said to have taken place." A score of old women and the same number of old men played here and there in the court, some at chuck-farthing, others at tip-cat or at cockles."-And

again, "There is nothing, believe me, more engaging than those lovely wrinkles," &c. &c.-See Tales of the East, vol. iii. pp. 607, 608.

2 This letter, as the reader will perceive, was day after a dinner given by the M-rq-s of HI—d—t