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CROSSED-EXAMINATION.

to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your Wit. You hear what his Lordship says. What are you going to do next? Coun. (confused). 1 don't know.

OLD STYLE.-Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when his Benchers.
progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.

Counsel (sharply). Now, Sir, do you know the value of an oath ?
Witness (taken aback). Why, yes-of course.
Coun. (pointing at him). Come, no prevarication! Do you
understand the value, or do you
not ?

Why, I can't get a word out of you.

are you a liar or not?

Wit. (confused). If you will allow me to explain- - १ Coun. Come, Sir, you surely can answer Yes or No-now which is it ?

Wit. But you will not let me explain

Coun. Don't be impertinent, Sir ! Explanation is unneeded. Mind, you have been sworn, so if you don't know the value of an oath, it will be the worse for you.

Wit. But you won't let me speak.

Wit. (to Jury). He doesn't know! I needn't stay here any longer. "Stands" down.

Judge (to Jury). May I ask you, Gentlemen, how you consider this case is being conducted?

Foreman of the Jury. With pleasure, my Lord. We were all using the same word which exactly describes the situation. We consider the deportment of the Witness "noble." Distinctly noble. [Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel.

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ROBERT IN A FOG!

WELL, if we ain't a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel London Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did have one. As for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally female ones, Well, it's about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let alone a hardworkin, middel-aged Husband, stark staring mad!

However, thank goodness, I've got one werry grand xception, and he reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer.

Coun. Won't let you speak! I need ardly say as it's my old Amerrycan friend, who has cum
Now, Sir-in plain English-back to the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel London

Wit. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?

Judge. Be good enough to answer the Counsel's questions. I have nothing to do with it.

Coun. Now, Sir-once more;
Wit. I don't think that's the
Coun. Don't bully me, Sir!

as much of it as you can.

are you a liar, or are you not?
way to speak to me-

You are here to tell us the truth, or

Wit. But surely you ought toCoun. Don't tell me what I ought to do, Sir. Again; are you a liar, or are you not?

Wit. Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question?

Coun. You are not there to ask me questions, Sir, but to answer my questions to you.

Wit. Well, I decline to reply.

Judge (to Witness). Now you had better be careful. If you do not answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to send you to gaol for contempt of Court.

Com. Now you hear what his Lordship says, and now, once more, are you a liar, or are you not?

Wit. (confused). I don't know.

Coun. (to Jury). He doesn't know! I need ask nothing further! [Sits down. Foreman (to Judge). May we not ask, my Lord, how you consider this case is being conducted?

Judge. With pleasure, Gentlemen! I will repeat what I remarked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word that will describe the matter is "noble." Distinctly noble !

[Scene closes in upon despair of Witness. NEW STYLE.-Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side. Coun. I presume. Sir, thatWit. (sharply). You have no right to presume. Ask me what you want, and have done with it.

Coun. (amiably). I think we shall get on better-more quickly-if you kindly attend to my questions.

Wit. Think so? Well, it's a matter of opinion. But, as I have an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you are instructed to ask, and settle the matter off-hand. Coun. If you will allow me to speak

Wit. Speak!-I like that! Why I can't get a rational word out of you!

Coun. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to Coun. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?

Judge. Be good enough to attend to the Witness. I have nothing to do with it.

Wit. (impatiently). Now, Sir, am I to wait all day?

Coun. (mildly). I really venture to suggest that is not quite the tone to adopt.

Wit. Don't bully me, Sir! I am here to answer any questions you like to put, always supposing that you have any worth answering.

Coun. But come-surely you ought to

Winter is like, and he bears it all, fog and all, splendidly. He was jest in time to see Lord MARE'S Sho from one of our best front winders, and if he didn't sit there and larf away as the pore soddened and soaked persession parsed by, speshally at the Lord MARE'S six gennelmen with their padded carves and pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman farf. "Why on earth, Mr. ROBERT," he says to me, "why don't they have it in the bewtifool Summer, for it's reelly a very splendid performunce ?" To which I replied, rather smartly, becoz I was naterally rayther cross, "Becoz it has allers bin held on the same honnerd day since the rain of Lord Mare ALLWINE, who rained sewen hunderd years ago.' And has probably rained ewer since," he larfingly replied, as he went out.

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He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware amost ewery nite afore the Fog begun; but that rayther tried him, speshally in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to tell him, from my long xperience, what was the best posserbel Lunch with which to fite agenst it. So I pulled myself together, and told him one of my good stories :-" One of our werry best City Judges, who is passed and gone, used to have a fat Buck sent to him wunce a year by the QUEEN, from Windsor Forest. He didn't care werry much for Wenson hisself, so he goes to BRING AND RYMER, wich is potical sort o' name, but it is the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his Fat Buck for Turtel Lunches all through the cold, cold Winter, and they kep him helthy and strong for years."

Then bring me one of his Lordship's Lunches at 2 o'clock sharp, bason of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of CLICKo's rich Shampane, So I took him a scrumpshus to-day," said he, "and I'll try it." and he finisht the lot, and said, Bring me xactly the same splendid lunch ewery day the fog lastes." And I did; and he told me as how it enabeld him to face it bravely.

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Well, now for my foggy story. On that orful Toosday as ewer was, I was a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, when a stout elderly Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just as we got to the Statty, in the middel of the road, down she fell, and dragged me down with her. A most kind Perliceman rushed to our asistance, and saved us both. I then, luckily, got her a Cab, and took her home to Square, and, after paying the Cabby jest what he chose to arsk, she arsked, with a sweet smile, if I shood be offended if she gave me jest a triful for praps saving her life, as she said. I told her, as I was only a pore Waiter, I was used to tips and strays; so she gave me a reel gold sovering, and a good arty squeeze of the hand, and paid the Cabby to take me home, and finisht by saying, "If you ever want a triful, Sir, you know where to get it." And all I has to add is, that I thinks as my better arf mite have been jest a leetel more grayshus, as I told her, with amost tears in my eyes, of the graitfool conduck of the Lady of Square. ROBERT.

CHRISTMAS IN GERMANY.. "The beauties of Leadenhall and Farringdon," said the D. T., "do not figure in der Hallen an der Wit. I am not here to learn my duty from you, Sir. You don't Spree."" But in England, during Christmas time generally, we were know your subject, Sir. How long have you been called? Hallen on der Spree." Rather!

Coun. I decline to reply.

Judge (to Counsel). Now you had really better be careful. I wish

"THE DRAMA OF TO-DAY."-A Morning Performance.

NOTICE.-Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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LES FRANÇAIS PEINTS PAR EUX-MÊMES (ET ILLUSTRÉS PAR NOUS). "O JULIETTE!" S'ÉCRIA OSCAR, EN S'ASSEYANT À COTÉ D'ELLE SUR LA PIERRE TUMULAIRE, 'ÉPOUSE DE MON MEILLEUR AMI! JE JURE QUE JE T'ADORE! JE JURE ICI, SUR LA TOMBE DE MA SAINTE MÈRE, QUI BENIT NOS AMOURS DE LÀ HAUT!"

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"HARD TO BEER!"

CABITAL!

SIR,-The proposal to extend the Cab Radius to five miles from Charing Cross is good in its way, but it does not go far enough. My idea is that the cheap cab-fare should include any place in the Home Counties. Cabmen should also be prevented by law from refusing to take a person, say, from Piccadilly to St. Albans, on the plea that their horse "could not do the distance." All assertions of that kind should be punished as perjury. Cabmen are notoriously untruthful. Why should not Cab Proprietors, too, be obliged to keep relays of horses at convenient spots on all the main roads out of Town in case a horse really proves unequal to going fifteen miles or so into the country, in addition to a hard day's work in London ?-Yours unselfishly, St. Albans. NORTHWARD Ho!

SIR,-Why will people libel the Suburbs, and keep on describing them as dull? I am sure that a place which, like the one I write from, contains a Lawn Tennis Club (entrance into which we keep very select), a Circulating Library, where all the new books of two years' back are obtainable without much delay, a couple of handsome and ascetic young Curates, and a public Park, capable of holding twentysix perambulators and as many nursemaids at one and the same time, can only fitly be described as an Elysium. Still, we should be grateful for better facilities for getting away from its delights now and then, and this proposal to extend the Cab Radius has the warmest support of Yours,

EASILY SATISFIED.

SIR,-By all means let us have cheaper Cabs in Greater London! The County Council should subsidise a lot of Cabs, to ply exclusively between London and the outskirts. Or why not a Government Cab Purchase Bill, like the Irish Land Purchase one? We want a special Minister for Public Locomotion-perhaps Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL Would accept the post? Yours, spiritedly, HAMPSTEAD HEATHEN.

(Advance-sheet from a projected Anti-Bacchanalian Tragi-farce, to be called that my daily allowance is-or rather was-twelve quarts per diem!

"By Order of the Kaiser.")

SCENE-A Market Place in Berlin. German Students carousing. Emissary of the Emperor seated at table apart watching them. Apprehensive Waiters nervously supplying the wants of their Customers.

First German Student. Another flagon of beer, Kellner! Waiter. Here, Mein Herr! (Brings glass and, as he places it on the table, whispers aside.) Oh, beware, my good Lord-this is your second glass.

First Ger. Stu. (with a laugh). I know what I am about! And now, my friends, I give you a toast-The Liberty of the Fatherland! Chorus of Students. The Liberty of the Fatherland! [They all drink. Em. of the Emp. (apart). Ha! [He makes an entry in his note-book. First Ger. Stu. And now fill another glass. Fill, my comradesI pray you, fill! Kellner! glasses round-for myself and friends.

Kellner (as before-supplying their wants and warning them). Oh, my gracious Lord, be careful! Your third glass-mind now, your third glass; you know the risk you are running! But one false drop and you are lost!

First Ger. Stu. (as before). Well, my good friend, be sure you supply us with no drop that is not good! Ha, ha, ha! Eh, KARL! eh, CONRAD! eh, HANS! Did you hear my merry jest?

[They all laugh. Em. of the Emp. (as before). Ha! (making an entry in his notebook). And they laugh at a witless joke! Good! Very good! First Ger. Stu. (joyously). And now, my comrades, yet another toast-The Prosperity of the People!

Chorus of Ger. Stu. (raising their glasses). The People! [They all drink. Em. of the Emp. (apart) Ha! [He makes an entry in his note-book. First Ger. Stu. And now, a final flagon! Kellner!

Kellner (as before.) Oh, high-born customer, beware! This is your fourth glass! You know the law! First Ger. Stu. (as before). That indeed I do! And I also know And now, comrades, our last toast-The Freedom of the Press! Chorus of Ger. Stu. (raising their glasses). The Freedom of the Press! [They all drink. Em. of the Emp. (apart). This is too much! (He rises, and approaches the Students.) Your pardon, Gentlemen! But do you really believe in the toasts you have just drunk? Chorus of Stu. Why, certainly!

Em. of the Emp. What, in the Liberty of the Fatherland?
Chorus of Stu. To be sure-why not?

Em. of the Emp. And the Prosperity of the People-mind you, only the People?

Chorus of Stu. Exactly-don't you?

Em. of the Emp. And further. You wish well to the Freedom of the Press ?

Chorus of Stu. That was our toast! What next?

Em. of the Emp. (producing staff of authority). That, in the name of His Majesty, I arrest you!

Chorus of Stu. (astounded). Arrest us! Why?

Fatherland, ask for the Prosperity of the People, and admire the Em. of the Emp. Because, if you believe in the Liberty of the of the new law (which punishes the crime of intoxication), away Freedom of the Press, you must be drunk!-very drunk! In virtue

with them!

[The Students are loaded with chains, and imprisoned, for an indefinite period, in the lowest dungeon beneath the castle's moat. Curtain.

OUR HUMOROUS COMPOSER.-What Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN said or sung before deciding on taking a Villa at Turbie, on the Riviera,"Turbie, or not Turbie, that is the question." He is now hard at work writing a new Opera (founded, we believe, on Cox and Box), and "I am here," he says, in his quaint way, "because I don't I want to be dis-turbie'd."

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Philistine Wife. "YOUR PAPER ISN'T AT ALL AMUSING JUST NOW. BUT THERE, I MUST CONFESS IT IS NOT EASY TO BE EITHER FUNNY OR WITTY EVERY WEEK."

Journalist (much worried). "No, MY DEAR, MUCH EASIER TO BE ALWAYS DULL AND PROSAIC EVERY EVENING."

Like the nursery Jack-a-dandy, oh! I may "love plum-cake and candy," oh! But tarts and toffies, or sweets of office, Seem not-at present-for GRANDY, oh!

Well, I chucked them up,-was it nous or pique?

Is the prodigal worst of ninnies? The fatted calf, and the better half

Of his father's love-and guineas,May fall to his share as he homeward hies, When the husks have lost their flavour. My calf? Well, it does not greet my eyes, And I don't yet sniff its savour.

I'm a prodigal GRANDY-PANDY, oh! Retired from Mashona-landy, oh! I'm left like a laggard. Grim RIDER HAGGARD [oh!)

(Whose fiction is "blood-and-brandy," Says Africa always comes handy, oh! For "something new." It sounds grandy, oh!

But a telling new plot I'm afraid is not
The fortune of GRANDY-PANDY, oh!
Did they miss me much? Well, I fancy not;
(Though a few did come to greet me;)
The general verdict's "A very queer lot!"
Nor is SOL in a hurry to meet me.
He does not spy me afar off. No!
He would rather I kept my distance;
And if to the front I again should go,
'Twon't be with his assistance.

He deems me a troublesome GRANDY, oh'
In political harness not handy, oh!

[He was about to add a personal illustration, but as, fortunately, he didn't, the subject dropped.

I am out of a job, while BALFOUR is a nob,
That lank and effeminate dandy, oh!
Well, a prodigal son may be "sandy." oh!
I am off for a soda-and-brandy, oh!
And a "tub" at my Club, where I'm sure
of a snub

From the foes of returning GRANDY, oh!

THE CROSS-EXAMINER'S VADE MECUM. Question. Have you a right to ask any question in Court?

Answer. Certainly, and the questioning is left to my discretion.

Ques. What do you understand by discretion?

Ans. An unknown quality defined occasionally by the Press and the Public. Ques. Is the definition invariably the same?

Ans. No, for it depends upon the exigencies of the Press and the frivolity and fickleness of the Public.

Ans. That I had exceeded my duty. Ques. Is it an easy matter to reconcile the interests of your clients with the requirements of Public Opinion.

Ans. It is a most difficult arrangement, the more especially as Public Opinion is usually composed of the joint ideas of hundreds of people who know as much about law as does a bed-post.

Ques. In the eyes of Public Opinion, whose commendation is the most questionable?

Ans. The commendation of a Judge, because it stands to reason (according to popular ideas) that a man who knows his subject thoroughly must be unable to come to any definite decision as to its merits.

Ques. And in the eyes of the same authority. whose commendation is the most valuable ?

Ans. In the eyes of Public Opinion the most valuable commendation would come from a man who is absolutely ignorant of everything connected with a Counsel's practice, but who can amply supply this possible Ques. Were you to refrain from ques-deficiency by writing a letter to the papers tioning a Witness anent his antecedents, and signing himself" FAIR PLAY." and subsequently those antecedents becoming known, his evidence were to lose the credence of the papers, what would be said of you?

Ans. That I had neglected my duty.

Ques. Were you to question a Witness on his past, and, by an interruption of the trial, that Witness's evidence were consequently to become superfluous, what would then be said of you?

Ques. Is there any remedy for setting right any misconception that may have occurred as to the rights and wrongs of cross-examiners?

Ans. Yes, the Public might learn what the business of a cross-examiner really is.

Ques. I see, and having done this, can you recommend anything further?

Ans. Having learned a cross-examiner's business, the Public might then have time to attend-to its own!

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.

known as

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No. XXIII. SCENE-The Lower Hall of the Scuola di San Rocco, Venice. British Tourists discovered studying the Tintorets on the walls and ceiling by the aid of RUSKIN, HARE, and BEDEKER, from which they read aloud, instructively, to one another. Miss PRENDERGAST has brought "The Stones of Venice" for the benefit of her brother and PODBURY. Long self-repression has reduced PODBURY to that unpleasantly hysterical condition a fit of the giggles," which, however, has hitherto escaped detection. Miss P. (standing opposite "The Flight into Egypt," reading). "One of the principal figures here is the Donkey." Where is Mr. PODBURY? [To P., who reappears, humbly proffering a tin focussing-case.) Thanks, but you need not have troubled! "The Donkey...um-um-never seen-um-um-any of the nobler animals so sublime as this quiet head of the domestic ass"-(here BOB digs PODBURY in the ribs, behind Miss P.'s back)-" chiefly owing to the grand motion in the nostril, and writhing in the ears.' (A spasmodic choke from PODBURY.) May I ask what you find so amusing?

Podb. (crimson). I-I beg your pardonI don't know what I was laughing at exactly. (Aside to BOB.) Will you shut up, confound you!

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A Stout Lady, close by (reading from HARE). "The whole symmetry of it depending on a narrow line of light." (Dubiously, to her Daughter.) I don't quiteoh yes, I do now-that's it-where my sunshade is "the edge of a carpenter's square, which connects those unused tools" h'm-can you make out the "unused tools," ETHEL? I can't... But he says"The Ruined House is the Jewish Dispensation." Now I should never have found that out for myself. (They pass to another canvas.) TINTORET denies himself all aid from the features. . . No time allowed for watching the expression (That reminds me-what is the time by your bracelet, darling ?) "No blood, no stabbing, or cutting. but an awful substitute for these in the chiaroscuro." (Ah, yes, indeed! Do you see it, love ?-in the right-hand corner ?) "So that our eyes -(comfortably)- seem to become bloodshot, and strained with strange horror, and deadly vision." (Not one o'clock, really? -and we've to meet Papa outside Florian's, for lunch at one-thirty! Dear me, we mustn't stay too long over this room.)

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A Solemn Gentleman (with a troublesome cough, who is also provided with HARE, reading aloud to his wife). . ." Further enhanced by-rook-rook-rook!-a largelymade-rook-ook!-farm-servant, leaning

on a-ork-ork-ork-ork-or-ook!-basket. Shall I-ork!-go on?

His Wife. Yes, dear, do, please! It makes one notice things so much more!

The Solemn G. Now what I want to see, my dear, is the ork-ork -angel that RUSKIN thinks TINTORETTO painted the day after he saw a rook-kic-kic-kic-kingfisher.

[BOB nudges PODBURY, who resists temptation heroically. Miss P. (reading). "the fig-tree which, by a curious caprice, has golden ribs to all its leaves."-Do you see the ribs, Mr. PODBURY. Podb. (feebly). Y-yes. I believe I do. Think they grew that sort of fig-tree formerly, or is it-a-allegorical?

Miss P. (receiving this query in crushing silence). The ceiling requires careful study. Look at that oblong panel in the centrewith the fiery serpents, which RUSKIN finely compares to "winged lampreys." You're not looking in the right way to see them, Mr. PODBURY!

Podb. (faintly). I-I did see them-all of them, on my honour I did! But it gives me such a crick in my neck!

Miss P. Surely TINTORET is worth a crick in the neck. Did you observe "the intense delight in biting expressed in their eyes ?" Bob. (frivolously). I did, 'PATIA-exactly the same look I observed last night, in a mosquito's eye.

[PODBURY has to use his handkerchief violently. The Stout Lady. Now, ETHEL, we can just spend ten minutes on the ceiling-and then we must go. That's evidently JONAH in the small oval. (Referring to plan.) Yes, I thought so,-it is JONAH. RUSKIN considers the whale's tongue much too large, unless it is a kind of crimson cushion for JONAH to kneel upon." Well, why not? Ethel. A cushion, Mother? what, inside the whale!

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"A Solemn Gentleman, with a troublesome cough, reading aloud to his Wife."

[The Solemn Gentleman goes on. Miss P. (as they reach the staircase). Now just look at this Titian, Mr. PODBURY! RUSKIN particularly mentions it. Do note the mean and petty folds of the drapery, and compare them with those in the TINTORETS in there.

Podb. (obediently). Yes, I will,-a-did you mean now-and will it take me long, because- [Miss PRENDERGAST sweeps on scornfully. Podb. (following, with a desperate effort to be intelligent). They don't seem to have any Fiammingoes here.

Miss P. (freezingly, over her shoulder). Any what, Mr. PODBURY? Flamingoes

Podb. (confidently, having noted down the name at the Accademia on his shirt-cuff). No, "Ignoto Fiammingo," don't you know. I like that chap's style what I call thoroughly Venetian.

[Well-informed persons in front overhear and smile. Miss P. (annoyed). That is rather strange-because "Ignoto Fiammingo" happens to be merely the Italian for " an unknown Fleming," Mr. PODBURY. [Collapse of PODBURY. Bob. (aside to PODBURY). You great owl, you came a cropper that time! He and PODBURY indulge in a subdued bear-fight up the stairs, after which they enter the Upper Hall in a state of preternatural solemnity.

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The Stout Lady. That we are not told, my love-" The submissiveness of Jonah is well given "-So true-but Papa can't bear being kept waiting for his lunch-we really ought to go now. [They go.

The Solemn G. (reading). "There comes up out of the mist a dark hand." Have you got the dark hand yet, my dear?

His Wife. No, dear, only the mist. At least, there's something that may be a branch; or a bird of some sort.

The S. G. Ha, it's full of suggestionfull of suggestion!

[He passes on, coughing.

Miss P. (to PODBURY, who is still quivering). Now notice the end one-"the Fall of Manna "-not that end; that's "the Fall of Man." RUSKIN points out (reading)"A very sweet incident. Four or five sheep, instead of pasturing, turn their heads to catch the manna as it comes down" (here BOB catches PODBURY's eye)

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or seem to be licking it off each other's fleeces." (PODBURY is suddenly convulsed by inexplicable and untimely mirth.) Really, Mr. PODBURY, this is too disgraceful! [She shuts the book sharply and walks away.

Outside; by the landing-steps.

Miss P. BOB, go on and get the gondola ready. I wish to speak to Mr. PODBURY. (To PODBURY, after BOB has withdrawn.) Mr. PODBURY, I cannot tell you how disgusted and disappointed I feel at your senseless irreverence.

Podb. (penitently). I-I'm really most awfully sorry-but it came over me suddenly, and I simply couldn't help myself!

Miss P. That is what makes it so very hopeless-after all the pains I have taken with you! I have been beginning to fear for some time that you are incorrigible-and to-day is really the last straw! So it is kinder to let you know at once that you have been tried and found wanting. I have no alternative but to release you finally from your vows-I cannot allow you to remain my suitor any longer.

Podb. (humbly). I was always afraid I shouldn't last the course, don't you know. I did my best-but it wasn't in me, I suppose. It was awfully good of you to put up with me so long. And, I say, you won't mind our being friends still, will you now?

Miss P. Of course not. I shall always wish you well, Mr. PoDBURY-only I won't trouble you to accompany me to any more galleries!

Podb. A-thanks. I-I mean, I know I should only be in your way and all that. And I'd better say good-bye, Miss PRENDERGAST. You won't want me in the gondola just now, I'm sure. I can easily get another.

Miss P. Well-good-bye then, Mr. PODBURY. I will explain to BOB.

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