THE HORSE-EDUCATOR.

(A Sketch at Sydenham.) SCENE-An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.-The Arena is thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light American waggon. There is a small steam-engine at one side, with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus, and a bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead opposite. From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining these ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter a Portly Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows to the audience, and is but faintly applauded, owing to a disappointed sense that the ideal Horse-trainer would not tame in a tall hat. However, he merely appears to introduce Professor NORTON B. SMITH, who, turning out to be a slender, tall man, in a slouch hat, black velveteen coat, breeches, and riding boots, is received with enthusiasm. The Professor (with a slight Transatlantic accent). The first animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer, afraid Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost anything, in fact. Bring out Number One, boys. (To a tall Groom and a short one, who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over a drum, to the general delight. The horse who is afraid of almost anything is brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defying any Professor to cure him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious, he's only Nervous.

[The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and lashes out by way of contradiction.

Paterfamilias, in audience (who has a spoilt horse at home). Just what I always say about Tartar-it's nerves, not vice.

familiar With an umbrella. (Opens it suddenly; horse plunges.) Now, Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella-vurry good one too-it isn't going to hurt you; look at it!

[He waves it round the animal's head, and finally claps it over his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that he may have been prejudiced.

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hide in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him.
Daughter. It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could
Paterf. Not while I'm-Well, we must see what your Mother
says about that.
[Begins to wish he had come alone.
Kicker. We'll give him a little tinware, just to amuse him.
Prof. (introducing another horse). This animal is a confirmed
(Some tin pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but,
ceiving that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness
makes him decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner.)
Hang on more tinware, boys! Some persons here may feel Disap-
pointed that he Doesn't kick. Remember that is not My Fault.
They can't be too vicious to please me. (The Horse sees his way to
score, and after bearing various trials in a spirit of Christian resigna-
tion, leaves the Arena, consoled by the reflection that no one there got
much fun out of him, at all events. A Jibber is brought in; the Pro-
fessor illustrates his patent method of teaching him to stand while being
groomed, by tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and
the rope in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involun-
tary waltz, after which he mounts him and continues his discourse.)
Now it occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go
down G. Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E.
Street, and he generally does go up it too!

A Sister (to her Brother). ROBERT, that's just like the horse you
rode that last time, isn't it?
[ROBERT doesn't answer,

His Eldest Daughter. Shall you send him here to be cured, Father? Paterf. No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I shall be able to take Tartar in hand myself, I have no doubt.

The Prof. (instruc

tively). It is natural For a Horse when frightened at anything in Front of him, Tojump Backwards, and when frightened at anything Back of him, To jump Forwards. (Applause, in recognition of the accuracy and observation of this axiom.) Now I will show you my method Of correcting this Tendency by means of my double Safety Rope and driving Rein, without Cruelty. Always Be Humane, Never causing any Pain if you Possibly can Help it. Fetch that Harness. (The short Groom trips again, but so

elaborately as to be immediately recognised as the funny man of the
performance, after which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The
Professor shouts, "Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this
suggestion, emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being
attached to the animal's forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much
to his surprise and indignation.) Never use the word "Woa!" Only
when you mean your horse To stop. Woa! (horse down again, in-
tensely humiliated.) If you mean hím just To go quiet, say "Steady!"
and teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards De-
ceiving him. (Paterf. makes a note of this on Tartar's account.)
Steady
Woa! (Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling
that he is the victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally,
Professor says "Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to
take the hint.)

fervently hoping that his Sister's Pretty Friend has not overheard this comment. The Prof. Well, the way to overcome that is just to turn the animal round-so-several times till he gets dizzy and forgets where E. Street is, and then he says to him. self, "I guess I'd better go wherever the gentleman wants!"

The Sister. ROBERT'S horse turned round and round like that-didn't he, ROBERT?

[ROBERT turns rather red and grunts.

Her Pretty Friend. And then did he go where your brother wanted him to ? The Sister. Oh yes, at "The short groom falling over a drum." last. (ROBERT breathes more freely.) Only without ROBERT. [ROBERT wonders bitterly why on earth a fellow's Sisters should try to make him out a regular muff like this. [Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness in the light waggon, and driven round the Arena by the Professor. A steam whistle is let off over their heads, whereupon they rear and plunge, and back frantically, the Professor discoursing unperturbed from the waggon. After a few repetitions of this, the horses find the steam-whistle out as a brazen impostor, and become hardened sceptics from that moment. They despise the Comic Groom when he prances at them with a flag, and the performance of the Serious Man on the cymbals only inspires them with grave concern on his account. The bundle of coloured rags is let down suddenly on their heads, and causes them nothing but contemptuous amusement; crackers bang about their heels-and they pretend to be pleased; the Funny Groom (who is, by this time, almost unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's back and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained by his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this, they are unharnessed and sent back to their boxes-a pair of equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this earth.] The Prof. (concluding amidst loud applause). Ladies and Gentlemen, I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me, and that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to send him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge. Paterf. I shall have Tartar sent here-less trouble than trying the methods myself-and safer.

Paterf. Wonder where I could get that apparatus-just the thing for Tartar!

His Daughter. But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said Woa!" you know, and that wouldn't do!

66

Paterf. Um! No. Never thought of that.

Prof. I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (The two Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, at which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that his lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big drum to be beaten on his head with patient disgust.)

The Daughter. You might try that with Tartar, Father. You could have the dinner-gong, you know.

Paterf. (dubiously). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have the same effect, my dear.

Prof. (who has vaulted on the horse's back). I will now make him

Prof. And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse.

The Daughter. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will have to be done at home! Paterf. (who doesn't quite see himself dancing about Tartar with a drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back). Well, TOPPIN will take the horse over, and he 'll be here and see how it's done. I can't be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do!

The Daughter. I wish you would. I'm sure Tartar would rather you tamed him than TOPPIN!

[Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not unlikely, sees no necessity to consider his horse's preferences in the matter.

umbrella, just about to add a unit to the number; stopped on the threshold by strange sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, sees DENMAN standing at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister. DENMAN is wearing what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first took to be red Cap of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a red skull-cap, designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is. Business before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill Occurs to DENMAN to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes; difficulty to catch his remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases to be extolling someone as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure before the House is Small Holdings Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. he's talking about CHAPLIN. MAREXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. KISS interposes; says, "Noble Lord not speaking to Bill before House." House of Commons, Monday, June 20.-Black Rod got up little It was at this moment CHELMSjoke to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful part-FORD arrived. Saw DENMAN draw ing moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in himself up to full height, shake his absence of Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, SAGE OF fist at the MARKISS, and this time QUEEN ANNE'S GATE intended to take Prince ARTHUR in hand, and at full pitch of quivering voice cry, insist on his making clean breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal" Ha! ha! you wish to clôture me Commission arranged in other House. Black Rod despatched to again, do you? I'm very much summon Commons to assist at ceremony. "The SAGE wants the House obleeged to you. I have a right to of Lords abolished, does he?" said Black Rod, to his friend the refer in a hereditary assembly to White Elephant. "Very well; but before it's done, I'll bet you the best man that ever stood in it." 100 to 1, as JOHN MORLEY says, that I, as representative of the Lords, Then noble Lords knew it couldn't will make him shut up, and pretty sharp too. He little knows there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black 'un, too."

Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third Reading of Appropriation Bill, SAGE, in his most winning way, invited Prince ARTHUR to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting tip, hurried across Lobby; reached the door just as SAGE was in middle of a sentence. Black Rod!" roared Doorkeeper, at top of his voice. SAGE paused, looked with troubled glance towards door, stood for a moment as if he would resist the incursion, and catching sight of sword by Black Rod's side, abruptly sat down amid general Still winding-up business. GEORGE CURZON explained Indian Budget to PLOWDEN, and Rev. SAM SMITH, who thought it very good. So it was, comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened with felicitous touches of eloquence.

titter.

"Pity," said GRAND CROSS, when I mentioned to him the depressing circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "CURZON's a clever youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up considerably. Great advantage for a young man to have such guidance, coming into almost daily contact with a person like his present Chief. The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House to-night. The country, England and India alike, are so satisfied with my rule over what I may, perhaps without offence, call our dusky Empire, that people do not think it worth while to go down to House to hear the affair discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. Amongst the natives in India, I'm told, I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish. Travellers in remote regions bring home stories of finding, set up in humble cottages, little images, more or less resembling me. GORST told me they have a saying there, which he was good enough to translate. His knowledge of Hindustanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired with remarkable rapidity. These are the lines:

If you'd never make a loss,

Put your money on GRAND CROSS.

A free translation, GORST says, but gives
you the swing and the spirit of the distich.
Rather hard on CURZON that my popu-
larity should spoil his speech, but a good
thing for the country."

Business done.-Budget brought in. Tuesday.-Wonderfully good muster in Lords to-night. Every man upon his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that makes him so delightful,The first duty of a Peer is to appear." Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for pro"Stopped on the threshold." longing Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with regularity and despatch.

have been CHAPLIN. Not yet.
Business done.-Still winding it

it in another and more original
over at last," says RoscoE, putting
way. Few to part where (six years
ago) many met. Still some, chiefly
Metropolitan Members, remain to
see the last of the old Parliament.
"Good-bye, TOBY,' Prince
ARTHUR says, after we've shaken
hands with the SPEAKER.
"Shall
all right. One of those happy
see you again in August. You're
fellows who are returned unopposed.
my seat, and my life."

"All over at last!"

As for me, I have to fight for

other side of House. What 'll you do when you 're in Opposition ?"
You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the
ARTHUR, with a gleam of joy lighting up his face.
"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince
Business done.-Parliament dissolved.

Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred about his distinguished patient.
Lords in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his "Tell the B. P. that P. B. sleeps

FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN AND LEVY, AND THE GIFT OF £350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL AND MANCHESTER.-Sir,-It has been asked, what will they do with it? Liverpool and Manchester are both millionnaires and millowners too. Why not send a little to me? Who's Cohen, I mean who's goin' to Leave-y me anything? No spare Cohen-or Coin-ever comes my way! Would that a Co-hen would lay for me a golden egg as valuable as the Kohenore! Sir, I am of Irish extraction, and the Irish are of Hebraic origin, so I have some claim. Why? Because Irishmen are Hebrews first and Irish afterwards. The first settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?" Yours impecuniously, THE O'DUNAHOO. With the accent on the "Owe' and the "Dun."

Leafy June 30.

66 ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY!"

Hostess. "I'VE GOT SUCH A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE STUPID!"

Prize Idiot (calling). "I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO; BUT I DON'T FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID!"
Hostess. "AH, I SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF!"

TIP FROM OUR OWN BOOKING-OFFICE.Persons about to go to the Country, whether to defend their own seat or attack someone else's, can't do better, my Baronite says, than take with them P. W. CLAYDEN's England Under

"Good lack!" quoth he, "yet bring it me, Coalition, just published by FISHER UNWIN.