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THE HORSE-EDUCATOR.

familiar With an umbrella. (Opens it suddenly; horse plunges.) Now,

Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella-yurry good one too-it isn't (A Sketch at Sydenham.)

going to hurt you; look at it! SCENE- An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace. - The Arena is

(He waves it round the animal's head, and finally claps it over thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light

his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that he American waggon. There is a small steam-engine at one side,

may have been prejudiced. with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus, and a hide in the shrubbery with parasols, and

jump out at him.

Daughter. It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead opposite. From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining these

Paterf. Not while I'm-Well, we must see what your Mother says about that.

[Begins to wish he had come alone. ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter a Portly Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows to the audience, Kicker. We'll give him a little tinware, just to amuse him.

Prof. (introducing another horse). This animal is a confirmed and is but faintly applauded, owing to a disappointed sense that the ideal Horse-trainer would not tame in a tall hat. However, he (Some tin pans and bells are attached to the animals tail

, but, permerely appears to introduce Professor Norton B. SMITH, who, makes him decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner.)

ceiving that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness turning out to be a slender, tall man, in a slouch hat, black velve- Hang on more tinware, boys! Some persons

here may feel Disapteen coat, breeches, and riding boots, is received with enthusiasm. pointed that he Doesn't kick. Remember that is not My Fault

. The Professor (with a slight Transatlantic accent). The first They can't be too vicious to please me. (The Horse sees his way to animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer, score, and after bearing various trials in a spirit of Christian resignaafraid of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost any- tion, leaves the Arena, consoled by the reflection that no one there got thing, in fact. Bring out Number One, boys. (To a tall Groom and much fun out of him, at all events. A Jibber is brought in ; the Proa short one, who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over fessor illustrates his patent method of teaching him to stand while being a drum, to the general delight. The horse who is afraid of almost groomed, by tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and anything is brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defy- the rope in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involuning any Professor to cure him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious, tary waltz, after which he mounts him and continues his discourse.) he's only Nervous.

Now it occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go [The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and down G. Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E. lashes out by way of contradiction.

Street, and he generally does go up it too! Paterfamilias, in audience (who has a spoilt horse at home). Just A Sister (to her Brother). ROBERT, that's just like the horse you what I always say about Tartar-it's nerves, not vice.

rode that last time, isn't it?

(ROBERT doesn't answer, His Eldest Daughter. Shall you send him here to be cured, Father?

fervently hoping that Paterf. No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I shall be

his Sister's Pretty able to take Tartar in hand myself, I have no doubt.

Friend has not overThe Prof. (instruc

heard this comment. tively). It is natural For

The Prof. Well, the a Horse when frightened

way to overcome that is at anything in Front of

just to turn the animal him, Tojump Backwards,

round-so-several times and when frightened at

till he gets dizzy and foranything Back of him,

gets where E, Street is, To jump Forwards. (Ap

and then he says to him. plause, in recognition of

self, "I guess I'd better the accuracy and obser

go wherever the gentlevation of this axiom.)

man wants !" Now I will show you my

The Sister. ROBERT'S method Of correcting this

horse turned round and Tendency, by means Of

round like that-didn't my, double Safety Rope

he, ROBERT ? and driving Rein, with

(ROBERT turns rather red out Cruelty. Always Be

and grunts. Humane, Never causing

Her Pretty Friend. And any Pain if you Possibly

then did he go where your can Help it. Fetch that

brother wanted him to ? Harness. (The short

The Sister. Oh yes, at Groom trips again, but so “ The short groom falling over a drum."

last. (ROBERT breathes elaborately as to be immediately recognised as the funny man of the more freely.) Only without ROBERT. (ROBERT wonders bitterly performance, after which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The why on earth a fellow's Sisters should try to make him out a regular Professor shouts, Woa!and, as the horse declines to accept this muff like this. suggestion, emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being [Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness in the light attached to the animals forelegs, promptly brings himon his knees, much waggon, and driven round the Arena by the Professor. A steam to his surprise and indignation.) Never use the word "Woa!” Only whistle is let off over their heads, whereupon they rear and when you mean your horse To stop. Woa! (horse down again, in- plunge, and back frantically, the Professor discoursing, untensely humiliated.) If you mean hím just To go quiet, say "Steady!” perturbed from the waggon. After a few repetitions of this, the and teach him The difference of the words. Never afterwards De- horses find the steam-whistle out as a brazen impostor, and beceiving him. (Paterf. makes a note of this on Tartar's account.) come hardened sceptics from that moment. They despise the Steady. Woa! (Same business repeated ; horse evidently feeling Comic Groom when he prances at them with a flag, and the per; that he is the victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally, formance of the Serious Man on the cymbals only inspires them with Professor says

Woa!without pulling, and horse thinks it better to grave concern on his account. The bundle of coloured rags is let take the hint.)

down suddenly on their heads, and causes them nothing but conPaterf. Wonder where I could get that apparatus-just the thing temptuous amusement ; crackers bang about their heels-and for Tartar!

they pretend to be pleased ; the Funny Groom (who is, by this His Daughter. But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust time, almost unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said back and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained Woa!you know, and that wouldn't do!

by his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers Paterf. Um! No. Never thought of that.

at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this, Prof. I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (The two they are unharnessed and sent back to their boxes-a pair of Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this earth.] at which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that The Prof. (concluding amidst loud applause). Ladies and Gentlehis lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to men, I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me, humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big and that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to drum to be beaten on his head with patient disgust.)

send him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge. The Daughter. You might try that with Tartar, Father. You Paterf. I shall have Tartar sent here-less trouble than trying the could have the dinner-gong, you know.

methods myself—and safer. Paterf. (dubiously). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have Prof. And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the the same effect, my dear.

Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or Prof. (who has vaulted on the horse's back). I will now make him so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse.

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The Daughter. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will umbrella, just about to add a unit to the number ; stopped on the have to be done at home!

threshold by strange sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, Paterf. (who doesn't quite see himself dancing about Tartar with a sees Denman standing at Table, shaking

his fist at Prime Minister. drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back). Well, TOPPIN will DENMAN is wearing what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first take the horse over, and he 'll be here and see how it's done. I can't took to be red Cap of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do!

red skull-cap, designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red,; but it is. The Duughter. I wish you would. I'm sure Tartar would rather Business before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill you tamed him than TOPPIN!

Occurs to DENMAN to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes ; [Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not unlikely, sees difficulty to catch his remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases no necessity to consider his horse's preferences in the matter. to be extolling someone as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure

before the House is Small Holdings

Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

he's talking about CHAPLIN. MAR-
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

KISS interposes ; says, “Noble Lord

not speaking to Bill before House.' House of Commons, Monday, June 20.- Black Rod got up little It was at this moment CHELMSjoke to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful part- FORD arrived. Saw Denman draw ing moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in himself up to full height, shake his absence of Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, SAGE OF fist at the MARKISS, and this time QUEEN ANNE's Gate intended to take Prince ARTHUR in hand, and at full pitch of quivering voice cry, insist on his making clean breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal "Ha! ha! you wish to clôture me Commission arranged in other House. Black Rod despatched to again, do you? I'm very much summon Commons to assist at ceremony. "The SAGE wants the House obleeged to you. I have a right to of Lords abolished, does he ?” said Black Rod, to his friend the refer in a hereditary assembly, to White Elephant. “Very well ; but before it's done, I'll bet you the best man that ever stood in it.” 100 to 1, as JOHN MORLEY says, that I, as representative of the Lords, Then noble Lords knew it couldn't will make him shut up, and pretty sharp, too. He little knows have been CHAPLIN. Not yet. there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black ’un, too.”.

Business done. -Still winding it Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third

up. Reading of Appropriation Bill, SAGE, in his most winning way, invited Prince ARTAUR to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting prorogued and dissolved.

Tuesday, June 28.-- Parliament

“ All tip, hurried across Lobby; reached the door just as Sage was in middle of a sentence. Black Rod !” roared Doorkeeper, at top it in another and more original

over at last,” says Roscoe, putting of his voice. Sage paused, looked with troubled glance towards door, way. Few to part where (six years stood for a moment as if he would resist the incursion, and catching ago) many met. Still some, chiefly sight of sword by Black Rod's side, abruptly sat down amid general Metropolitan Members, remain to titter.

see the last of the old Parliament. Still winding-up business. GEORGE CURZON explained Indian

“Good - bye, TOBY,'' Prince
Budget to PLOWDEN, and Rev. SAM SMITH, who thought it very ARTHUR says, after we've shaken
good. So it was, comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened hands with the SPEAKER. “Shall
with felicitous touches of eloquence.
"Pity,” said GRAND Cross, when I mentioned to him the de- all right.

see you again in August. You 're
One of those happy,

“ All over at last!” pressing circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; “Curzon's fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have to fight for a clever youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up considerably. Great advantage for a young man to

my seat, and my life.” have such guidance, coming into almost daily contact with a person other side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition ?”

"You'll come back too,” I said; “but you'll be sitting on the like his present Chief. The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House to-night. The country, England and ARTHUR, with a gleam of joy lighting up his face.

“I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night,” said Prince India alike, are so satisfied with my rule over what I may, perhaps

Business done. -Parliament dissolved.
without offence, call our dusky Empire,
that people do not think it worth while
to go down to House to hear the affair

NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR like a top. This is no hum. He is
discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. THE BRITISH PUBLIC.-: Professor up at 7 A.M., and wishes everyone
Amongst the natives in India, I'm tolà, SCHWENINGER, the Bizzy B.'s the top of the mornin' to you,
I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish. Tra- private physician, writes privately puts on his top-boots and top-hat,
vellers in remote regions bring home to Mr. Punch the following news and then goes out for a spin."
stories of finding, set up in humble cot-
tages, little images, more or less resem-

FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT bling me. GORST told me they have a

THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN saying there, which he was good enough

AND LEVY, AND THE GIFT OF to translate. His knowledge of Hindu

£350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL stanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired

MANCHESTER.—Sir,- It has been with remarkable rapidity. These are the

asked, what will they do with it? lines:

Liverpool and Manchester are If you'd never make a loss,

both millionnaires and millowners Put your money on GRAND CROSS.

too. Why not send a little to A free translation, GORST says, but gives

me? Who's Cohen, I mean who's

Ι
you the swing and
the spirit of the distich.

goin' to Leave-y me anything? Rather hard on CURZON that my popu

No spare Cohen-or Coin-ever larity should spoil his speech, but a good

comes my way! Would that a thing for the country.”

Co-hen would lay for me a golden Business done.—Budget brought in.

egg as valuable as the Kohenore !

Sir, I am of Irish extraction, and Tuesday, Wonderfully good muster

the Irish are of Hebraic origin, in Lords to-night. Every man upon his

80 I have some claim. Why? mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that

Because Irishmen are Hebrews epigrammatic style that makes him so

first and Irish afterwards. The delightful, “The first duty of a Peer is

first settlers on settling-day in to appear." Those Radicals been pro

Ireland were Hebrews to a man, testing that talk about necessity for pro

and isn't it clear that “Liffey" “Stopped on the threshold." longing Session over week all a flam.

was originally “Levy?" Simply meant to make it impossible for our delicate friend, the

Yours impecuniously, British Workman, to get to poll. . Peers must show they mean

THE O’DUNA100. business, by turning up with regularity and despatch.

With the accent on the Once' Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred about his distinguished patient. and the Dun." Lords in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his “Tell the B. P. that P. B. sleeps! Leafy June 30.

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"ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY!" Hostess. I'VE GOT SUCH A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE STUPID!Prize Idiot (calling). “I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO ; BUT I DON'T FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID !” Hostess. AH, I SEE YOU 'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF !"

THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN. (Lately-discovered Fragments of a Grand Old

Ballad, the Sequel to which may-or may

not-turn up later on. JOHN GILPIN was a patriot

Of credit and renown;
A Grand Old Leader eké was he,

Of famous London town.
JOHN's Liberal Lady said, “Oh, dear!

Out in the cold we've been
These seven tedious years, and have

No chance of Office seen.
“ To-morrow is Election Day,

And we may then repair Our Party-split a little bit,

That is—if you take care ! Our Sisters, and the Labour lot,

Need soothing, you 'll agree ; If we can all together ride,

I think we'll have a spree."
He soon replied, “I do admire

Of Liberal Dames but one,
And you are she, my dearest dear;

Therefore it shall be done!
"I am a Programme-rider bold,

As all the world doth know,
And my good friend the Party Whip'

Will teach me how to go."
Quoth the good dame, “Liquor we'll want,

The Union Tap' is queer ; We'll furnished be with our own ‘Blend,'

Scotch-Irish bright and clear.”

John GILPIN kissed his partner shrewd; Then, over all, that he might be
O’erjoyed was he to find

Equipped from top to toe,
That, though on conquest she was bent, His long green cloak,

well-brushed and neat, She had a prudent mind.

He manfully did throw.

Now see him mounted once again JOHN GILPIN, at his horse's side,

Upon his docile steed, Seized fast the flowing mane,

Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, And up he got, in haste to ride,

With caution and good heed. But soon came down again.

It might have been a smoother road, For saddle-tree scarce reached had he,

Nor was it nice to meet His journey to begin,

First off, a Pig, who GILPIN bold When, turning round his head, he saw

With stubborn grunt did greet. Queer customers come in.

So fair and softly! Johny cried, So down he came ; for loss of time,

But Although it grieved him sore,

[Here the fragment, 80 far as at present Yet loss of Votes, full well he knew,

discovered, abruptly endeth. Would trouble him much more. 'Twas long ere these queer customers Were suited to their mind,

TIP FROM OUR OWN BOOKING-OFFICE.— When SCHNADDY, shouting, came down Persons about to go to the Country, whether to

defend their own seat or attack someone else's, stairs, “The tipple's left behind !”

can't do better, my Baronite says, than take

with them P. W. CLAYDEN's England Under “Good lack!” quoth he,"yet bring it me, Coalition, just published by FISHER UNWIN. My leathern belt likewise,

It's not much to carry, but it's worth the In which I bear my trusty blade trouble of packing up; also of unpacking, and When foes I pulverise.'

reading. It tells the story of two Parliaments His Liberal Lady (careful soul !)

and three Governments. A pretty story it is, Had two big bottles found,

more interesting than most novels, and in one To hold the liquor that she loved,

volume too. A marvel of condensation and

lucid narrative. Only one thing lacking to a And keep it safe and sound.

work likely to be constantly used for reference, Each bottle had a curling ear,

and that is an index. But you can't have Through which the belt he drew, everything,"as Queen Eleanor said to Fair RoAnd hung a bottle at each side,

samond when, having swallowed the contents To keep his balance true.

of the poisoned chalice, she asked for a dagger.

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