our pains! thou fine-whisked broom, which, used, must raise a dust at every move! thou heavy charge in a rusty gun, that canst not perform thy office, without causing the piece to kick! thou ill-tuned instrument, to touch whose jarring strings awaketh discord!-Thou concentrated essence of all excellencies! Alas, that like all other things of good—thou art so rare! "I say again, nephew"-continued my uncle-" don't mind what that long-legged fool says: he's a knowing dog, and wants to keep the bones for his own picking :but don't you mind him, Jerry-don't you mind him— and I'll warrant you a share. Not that I want to get rid of you, my lad! don't suppose that, you rascal; for though boys are pretty expensive articles to keep, yet I would be willing to maintain you all my life-and afterwards too, for that matter: but every one ought to do something for himself, if it's only to keep him out of harm's way. Physic's an honourable profession; and damn me, if, with your stock of impudence, you don't come off in the market as well as any of them!", I had been staggered a little by the doctor's description; but as my uncle Jeremy was the last speaker—and as, moreover, his discourse was seasoned with damns enough to tickle the nicest palate-and as, therefore, I might lean to the side of Interest without the danger of being pulled back by Pleasure-and as it was my interest to side with my uncle Jeremy-; therefore, I recovered my equilibrium; and, without looking to see what was in my professional uncle's scale, I leaped into that held out by the other. Of course, medicine proved but dust in the balance. "I have made up my mind, uncle," said I: "I will follow your counsel." "Spoken like a dutiful nephew, and a man of sense! and curse me if you shall lose by it either with your old uncle! You will make a pretty income for yourself too, if you're as successful as Dr. Sober-chops here, What say you, grim Tim ?"—added the jolly old man-giv, ing the doctor a tremendous slap on the back. "I say to yourself"-replied his brother with a smile'you need not enforce your arguments with considerations so weighty; and to my nephew here, I have only to repeat my willingness to undertake his instruction, and my conviction that he will not thank me for it.”—and extending his hand to me, the Doctor took up his hat to = depart. "Timothy, you're a damned blockhead!-What, you're not going already, brother Tim?" 66 Why, brother Jeremy, how can you expect me to stay, if you make so hot a place of my back, and such a hell of my ears?—Nephew, I will give you a week longer to deliberate and if you will bear in mind that in choosing a profession you determine, in a measure, the future success of your life-and consequently, your happiness or misery-you will make no hasty decision, I am sure.' "I feel grateful for your kindness, sir," I answered :— "but may I ask whether, if I pursue the study of physic, I am to live with you ?" "No! I'll be damned if you are!" roared my uncle Jeremy, throwing his crutch across the room—“ Live with him!-nurse, hand me that crutch-live with him, sir!-Nephew, you're an ungrateful puppy.-Damn it! do you think there's no home to live in but his ? did I ever tell you I was tired of you-say ? -May I be damned if, while there's life left in this old carcase, you have any other home than mine!"—and again went the crutch to the other end of the room. There was no affectation in all this :-the matter was good, and the manner was good.* So I squeezed the hard hand of the old man, till the tears streamed down his cheeks from pleasure and mine from sympathy."Psha!" muttered the doctor, stalking to the door. It was a vain attempt to hide his own emotion. * Vid. supra-p. 148. CHAPTER XV. Ah! je vous y prends donc, madame- MOLIERE.-George Dandin. -addis cornua pauperi! HORAT.-Carm FROM certain remarks of my uncle Jeremy's, given in the last chapter, the reader may suspect me of being not over correct in my habits. Now-I forewarn him, that, if on grounds so marshy he builds suspicions prejudicial to my character, his architecture will prove not a beam more stable, than if it were raised on-the firmest foundation. The fact is, that I indulged in all the dissipation to which youth and opportunity incited me: for, though my uncle was cautious of his money, my aunt was liberal ; and a certain accident opened her hand still wider. As every new method of making money is a point added to the table of mental improvement, in this age of manufactures, when steam-boats, novels, and poems are but so many ways of raising the wind-the reader will pardon me if I go back a little to relate a discovery, whose rabdomanchial powers drew purse after purse from my aunt's pocket by merely pointing at her character. It may be remembered, then, that on my arrival at my uncle's house I had stumbled upon a sort of cousin, Proxy by name. This Proxy seemed to be a regular visitor; for I frequently met him in the drawing room, or on the stair-case, and sometimes even at the door of my aunt's private apartment,-yet, strange enough, never near my uncle. Now, as Mrs. Levis appeared to derive so much satisfaction from the gentleman's society, I could not conceive why Mr. Levis should not enjoy the same benefit : A it was a piece of selfishness I could not analyze." However"-asked I of myself" might not my aunt be pleased with a thing which would not tickle my uncle ?"— -“Certainly !”—answered the questioner-" For as all tastes are not alike, as is shown by the axiom; and moreover, by a postulate, the tastes of women frequently differ from those of men; and furthermore, by the Second Chapter of the First Book,* the tastes of wives seldom agree with those of their husbands ;-Ergo-my uncle might have taken Mr. Proxy for a puppy. Q. E. D.”— and thus, with a shrug of the shoulders, the matter was always settled for the time being-for I hated trouble. But one day-a day, which, though the date I have forgotten, will never be sponged from the slate of my memory, till the worm of corruption has battened on these withered cheeks, and these aged shanks are marrowless-for on the night that preceded it the sun set, as though he were sinking beneath the horizon; and when the moon arose, she rose, not with a visage chastely round, but-portent dire !—with horns; and thrice the lightning flashed; thrice, as I lay uneasy on my pillow, two bedbugs crept across the bridge of my nose without paying toll; thrice too, a bobtail cur, with close cropped ears, and shaggy hide-having nine white hairs on his belly, eighteen yellow hairs on his back, and twentyseven black between his fore legs-howled most piteously, and two members of the feline tribe chopped logic in the gutter. One day, I repeat, happening to overhear the servant announce Mr. Proxy, it occurred to me that by suffering my eye to drop on a line with the key-hole I might bring the matter to a final decision. How such a sugges tion presented itself I cannot imagine-except that having struck my forehead too forcibly the night before, in an * Of course, when I internally demonstrated this problem, I had no idea of books and chapters. The reference is thus made for the convenience of the Reader. attempt to collect my powers of thought, the organ of inquiry had become remarkably prominent. Well-I stole to my post with all the caution required by so delicate an enterprise; when, just as, with knee bent and finger on lip, I was about applying my eye to the hole of the door, something whispered:-"Shame Mr. Jeremy! Eighteen years old, and guilty of peeping? You mean, dirty fellow!-What is it to you that your aunt keeps cousin Proxy to herself? O, for shame!"-I should certainly have risen from my humble posture; but who can help his destiny? I felt my forehead: the bump had not gone down: it would not go down and so I could not get up. -- "Who knows"-thought I-"but cousin Proxy may have some remedy for improving my aunt's spirits? Now, the same application might benefit my uncle-perhaps, cure him of his gout! Concretions and chalkstones! 'twill be the making of me!-A fig for my uncle's grave digging! I'll turn quack at once-set up an infirmary— advertise to cure the gout in half an hour's sitting—and, presto! the whole world podagrical will be at my doors!". Ghosts of Hippocrates, Galen, and Paracelsus! could ye have resisted so strong a temptation? What then did I ? I clapped my eye to the key-hole, and saw-not a lancet applied-no, my reader!-nor an injection administered -no-nor an emetic in operation; but patient Polly's head reclining on the broad chest of doctor Proxy-even *as a weary child rests on the breast of its mother, or as drops a modest violet when surcharged with rain—the only difference being, that the former is wholly supported by its parent, and the latter by its own stem; whereas my aunt was neither the one nor the other: for her portly body sat upright on the sofa close to her cousin, whose left arm held her delicate head upon his breast in the manner I have mentioned, while her own right arm lay fondly on his neck. It was a scene of such harmony and family affection, that my very heart leapt to join it. Who indeed, that boasts the finer feelings of our nature, but |