"Shame on him! put him out!" roared one of the men. servants. "Duck him in the horsepond!" thundered the other. While the husband of the injured dame, too drunk to stir from his bed, hiccupped "Dam-n!" Sir James attempted to restore order; but his voice, powerful though it was, sunk amid the blubberings of Mrs. Spits, the groans and half-uttered cries of the preacher, and the loud invectives of the others, and he at last retired to his own apartment.-No sooner was the baronet gone than the poor preacher was tossed from one tormentor to another, each loading him with some abusive epithet, till he was fairly forced out of the room. It is probable that he would have been pursued to his own bedchamber; but a form now appeared on the staircase that made the little mob pause at once. This was no other than the preach. er's wife in her night-clothes, who, pale and trembling, leaned over the balusters, probably fearing that her hus band was concerned in the uproar. The moment she was seen, a feeling of delicacy caused us all to shrink back into the room whence our game had been started. The lieutenant then shut the door, saying-it was but decent to give the fellow time to retire, on his wife's account, who was not to be punished for her husband's misde meanour. For the few minutes we remained there, much scan. dalous conjecture, as to the conduct of the Revd. Mr. Snubbs, passed among us,-in which, as usual, they who best know the true nature of the case took the most active part; while the landlady, in her nymph attire, stood at the bedside, inveighing, with unwonted energy both of tongue and fist, against all "hippycrites" whatsoever, nor would be persuaded to hide her charms beneath the coverlet. "Good night, most beautiful and injured lady," said the actor, as we retired," and may you forget, in the soft embraces of your liquorish spouse, the rudeness offered to your chastity." law upon "Good night," whimpered Mrs. Spits,-"I'll have the him for his nastity, so I will!" "That's-you-Ka-tey!" hiccupped the uxorious Johnny, -and the door was closed. CHAPTER XXV. O mistress mine, where are you roaming? Trip no farther, pretty sweeting; Journeys end in lovers' meeting Every wise man's son doth know. Song in Twelfth Night. “WELL, Mr. Landlord-how many guests do you number this morning?" "Only the baronet, besides yourself, sir-allow me to say-Mr. Levis." "How long is it since Mr. Rattle and the sergeant left ?" "O, they've been gone this hour, sir." "And your forfeits with them-heh, Mr. Spits ?" "O Lord, O Lord, sir! I see you havn't forgot last night's fun yet. Forfeits! No, no, Mr. Levis! I have my twenty-seven glasses as snug as a bug, sir; for I tell you what, that Mr. Rattle's one of the nicest men I ever knew-allow me to say-present company you know, sir, is always accepted. Says he to me, "Spits," says he-No, he didn't say that neither-he said Mr. Spits"Spits," says he, "I might 'duct those ere twenty-seven glasses out of the bill; but, I tell you what, Spits, you're 7 a clever fellar, and it was all a sham-all a trick, Mr. Spits, to punish you"-no, he didn't say that-he said, "to warn you not to be so free with others, as you was with us; for," says he, "I didn't mind it at all, Spits-for you're very much of the gentleman” "You are sure he said that, Mr. Spits?" "To be sure I am, Mr. Levis! He said, said he, "You've paid the penny”. "Penalty, I suppose, you mean.' "Yes-penny or pennity, all's one-allow me to say, Mr. Levis. "Spits," says he, "you've paid a penny enough for your impudence”—psha! what am I talking about!-but, no matter, Mr. Levis-you know what I mean-he said I'd paid enough, and so he paid his bill like a man, that he did. But, as for that Splint-Lord, if I catch the cock-eyed!" "Well-and when did the actor leave?" Lord! 'O, Tom Drammer! just after the sodjers. what a trick that was he played! I thought I'd 'ave died a laughing to see Katey so mad when he told her about it. And what do you think he said to me, Mr. Levis? Says he-" Spits," says he, "do you see that ere bull's head of yours?"-pointing to that head there over my door, Mr. Levis-" To be sure I do," said I, "Mr. Drammer!"..... 66 Well," says he, "you can take the horns down, now."....... "What for?" says I. "To stick them on your own head," says he. Lord! he thought John Spits didn't know what he meant! But I'm thinking I know a buck has horns-and a buck too's a fine gentleman, my spelling book says. So, as I was a dashing fellar, be meant it for me-Lord, Lord! I understood him. "You flatter me, sir," says I, bowing. "Not at all," says he,-"I flatter your wife." Only think of that, Mr. Levis !-But he's a funny fellar-an odd chicken -that Tom Drammer! I know him of old." "And Mr. Snubbs and the lady?" "Just this minute gone, sir.-Lord, Lord, how sheep. ish the parson looked, to be sure! And then Sally-my Sally, you know, Mr. Levis-then she came out-for she'd found it was all a trick of that Tom Drammer'sallow me to say-then she came out, whimpering, and crying, and asks his pardon on her knees, and all that sort of thing-for she's a very pious girl, is Sally." "No doubt of it, Mr. Spits.And now, get me some breakfast." "When does your honour mean to go?" "That depends upon circumstances. the stage pass for London ?" "Not till the afternoon, sir." When does "Then I shall not wait for it. It is but eight miles' walking, and the day is fine; and thanks to-hum! I have no baggage to trouble me." "Ah, I told you, Mr. Levis, that the day would be fine : for what says my almanac ?. "Curse your almanac ! Get me some breakfast." "But, Lord, Lord!-allow me to say-you'll surely wait for the stage?" "My, breakfast, sir !-and then my bill, immediately." The breakfast was soon finished, and then came the bill. "There, sir," said my landlord-bowing, with his right hand spread upon his breast, while with his left hand he presented the account-" you shall see how an honest man-how honest John Spits, sign of the Bull, makes out his bills." "Let me see.- -Heh! what's all this? 'Night's lodging for self and lady, 8s.-Supper and wine for do., 11. 38.-Lodging for coachman, 2s.-Supper for do., 3s. Gd.-Wine for do., 7s. 6d.'!-Why! what is the meaning of all this?" My orders, rascal?" "Yes, sir-you said you'd answer for the whole expense." "Hum! Stabling, etc., for horses, 11s.-Breakfast for coachman and lady, 10s.' Furies! Breakfast for self, 3s.'-and for my coachman, five!-hum !— Dinner, 5s. 6d.-Supper, 7s. 6d.—Wines, 12. 5s.'!Honest John Spits!" "For the whole company, you know, sir." "Bed, 5s.-Breakfast, 3s.-61. 6s.'!Why, you impudent rascal! do you think me fool enough to suffer so monstrous an imposition?” "Imposition!-O Lord, O Lord, sir!-Imposition !-ask your pardon, Mr. Levis, but John Spits, Sign ofthe Bull, isn't the man to impose upon such a generous gentleman as Mr. Levis-not he, sir-allow me to say." This flattering declaration was of course unanswerable; so I paid the bill, and departed. As I strode from the door, I had the satisfaction of hearing a hearty laugh at my expense. I had half a mind to return and punish the scoundrel, as he deserved; but then, my Reader, it occurred to me that there were certain things, called consequences, which were always sure to be at the tail of every action. Now, if I were to beat John Spits-thought I,-John Spits might beat me in return-, a restitution by no means desirable. So I swallowed the affront, and went on my way. - Is it not singular-, I asked of myself, as I stripped off, one by one, the leaves of a willow switch which I had cut on the road,- Is it not singular, that, with all my endeavours, I can never command the respect of my inferiors? Sir James Maitland, with a look, represses the insolence of that rascal, Spits,-he needs but speak, and even the zealous Mr. Snubbs forgets to exhort; while I, though I may copy the very same looks and the very same words, am laughed at! Where lies the fault?— My person is far from commanding. True-but then it is that of a gentleman; and my face is certainly of no |