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up to that of Horace's simplex munditiis;' | own, that black Kate at Deptford has made me which whoever can translate in two words, has very unsafe to eat; and, I speak it with shame, as much eloquence as lady Courtly. I took the│I am afraid, gentlemen, I should poison you.' liberty to tell her, that all she had said with so much good grace, was spoken in two words n Horace, but would not undertake to transcate them;' upon which she smiled, and told me, she believed me a very great scholar;'fered to eat the first steak of him himself. and I took my leave.

This speech had a good effect in the boatswain's favour; but the surgeon of the ship protested he had cured him very well, and of

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From my own Apartment, August 31. I have been just now reading the introduction to the history of Catiline by Sallust, an author who is very much in my favour: but when I reflect upon his professing himself wholly disinterested, and, at the same time, see how industriously he has avoided saying any thing to the praise of Cicero, to whose vigilance the commonwealth owed its safety, it very much lessens my esteem for that writer; and is one argument, among others, for laughing at all who pretend to be out of the interests of the world, and profess purely to act for the service of mankind, without the least regard to themselves. I do not deny but that the rewards are different; some aim at riches, others at honour, by their public services. However, they are all pursuing some end to themselves, though indeed those ends differ as much as right and wrong. The most grateful way then, I should think, would be to acknowledge, that you aim at serving yourselves; but, at the same time make it appear, it is for the service of others that you have these opportunities.

Of all the disinterested professors I have ever heard of, I take the boatswain of Dampier's ship to be the most impudent, but the most excusable. You are to know that, in the wild searches that navigator was making, they happened to be out at sea, far distant from any shore, in want of all the necessaries of life; insomuch that they began to look, not without hunger, on each other. The boatswain was a fat, healthy, fresh fellow, and attracted the eyes of the whole crew. In such an extreme necessity, all forms of superiority were laid aside: the captain and lieutenant were safe only by being carrion, and the unhappy boatswain in danger only by being worth eating. To be short, the company were unanimous, and the boatswain must be cut up. He saw their intention, and desired he might speak a few words before they proceeded; which being permitted, he delivered himself as follows:

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The boatswain replied, like an orator, with a true notion of the people, and in hopes to gain time, that he was heartily glad if he could be for their service;' and thanked the surgeon for his information. However,' said he, I must inform you for your own good, that I have, ever since my cure, been very thirsty and dropsical; therefore, I presume, it would be much better to tap me, and drink me off, than eat me at once, and have no man in the ship fit to be drunk.' As he was going on with his harangue, a fresh gale arose, and gave the crew hopes of a better repast at the nearest shore, to which they arrived next morning.

Most of the self-denials we meet with are of this sort; therefore, I think he acts fairest who owns, he hopes at least to have brother's fare, without professing that he gives himself up with pleasure to be devoured for the preservation of his fellows.

St. James's Coffee-house, August 31. Letters from the Hague of the sixth of September, N. S. say, that the governor of the citadel of Tournay having offered their highnesses the duke of Marlborough and the prince of Savoy to surrender that place on the thirtyfirst of the last month, on terms which were not allowed them by those princes, hostilities were thereupon renewed; but that on the third the place was surrendered, with a seeming condition granted to the besieged, above that of being prisoners of war: for they were forthwith to be conducted to Conde, but were to be exchanged for prisoners of the allies, and particularly those of Warneton were mentioned in the demand. Both armies having stretched towards Mons with the utmost diligence, that of the allies, though they passed the much more difficult road, arrived first before that town, which they have now actually invested ; and the quarter-master-general was, at the time of despatching these letters, marking the ground for the encampment of the covering army.

To the booksellers, or others whom this advertisement may concern.

Mr. Omicron, the unborn poet, gives notice, that he writes all treatises, as well in verse as prose, being a ninth son, and translates out of all languages, without learning or study.

* Mr. Oldmixon was here ridiculed under the title of Mr. Omicron.

If any bookseller will treat for his pastoral on the siege and surrender of the citadel of Tournay, he must send in his proposals before the news of a capitulation for any other town.

The undertaker for either play-house may have an opera written by him; or, if it shall suit their design, a satire upon operas; both ready for next winter.

No. 63.] Saturday, September 3, 1709.

White's Chocolate house, September 2.


found, who would not rather be in pain to appear happy, than be really happy and thought miserable. This men attempt by sumptuous equipages, splendid houses, numerous servants, and all the cares and pursuits of an ambitious or fashionable life.

I have ever thought it the greatest diminution to the Roman glory imaginable, that in their institution of public triumphs, they led their enemies in chains when they were prisoners. It is to be allowed that doing all honour to the superiority of heroes above the rest of mankind, must needs conduce to the glory and advantage of a nation; but what shocks the imagination to reflect upon is, that a polite people should think it reasonable, that an unhappy man, who was no way inferior to the victor but by the chance of war, should be led like a slave at the wheels of his chariot. Indeed, these other circumstances of a triumph, that it was not allowed in a civil war, lest one part should be in tears, while the other was making acclamations; that it should not be granted, except such a number were slain in battle; that the general should be disgraced who made a false muster of his dead; these, I say, had great and politic ends in their being established, and tended to the apparent benefit of the commonwealth. But this behaviour to the conquered had no foundation in nature or policy, only to gratify the insolence of a haughty people, who triumphed over barbarous nations, by acting what was fit only for those very barbarians to practise. It seems wonderful, that they who were so refined as to take care, that to complete the honour done to the victorious officer, no power should be known above him in the empire on the day of his triumph, but that the consuls themselves should be but guests at his table that evening, could not take it into thought to make the man of chief note among his prisoners one of the company. This would have improved the gladness of the occasion; and the victor had made a much greater figure, in that no other man appeared unhappy on his day, thau because no other man appeared great.

But we will wave at present such important incidents, and turn our thoughts rather to the familiar part of human life, and we shall find, that the great business we contend for is in a ess degree what those Romans did on more solemn occasions, to triumph over our fellowcreatures; and there is hardly a man to be


Bromeo and Tabio are particularly ill-wishers to each other, and rivals in happiness. There is no way in nature so good to procure the esteem of the one, as to give him little notices of certain secret points, wherein the other is uneasy. Gnatho has the skill of doing this, and never applauds the improvements Bromeo has been many years making, and ever will be making, but he adds, 'Now this very thing was my thought when Tabio was pulling up his underwood, yet he never would hear of it; but now your gardens are in this posture, he is ready to hang himself. Well, to be sincere, that situation of his can never make an agreeable seat; he may make his house and appurtenances what he pleases, but he cannot remove them to the same ground where Bromeo's stands; and of all things under the sun, a man that is happy at second-hand is the most monstrous.' 'It is a very strange madness,' answers Bromeo, if a man on these occasions can think of any end but pleasing himself. As for my part, if things are convenient, I hate all ostentation. There is no end of the folly of adapting our affairs to the imagination of others.' Upon which, the next thing he does is to enlarge whatever he hears his rival has attempted to imitate him in; but their misfortune is, that they are in their time of life, in their estates, and in their understandings, equal; so that the emulation may continue to the last day of their lives. As it stands now, Tabio has heard, that Bromeo has lately purchased two hundred a-year in the annuities since he last settled the account of their happiness, in which he thought himself to have the balance. This may seem a very fantastical way of thinking in these men; but there is nothing so common, as a man's endeavouring rather to go farther than some other person towards an easy fortune, than to form any certain standard that would make himself happy.

Will's Coffee-house, September 2.

Mr. Dactyle has been this evening very profuse of his eloquence upon the talent of turning things into ridicule; and seemed to say very justly, that 'there was generally in it something too disengenuous for the society of liberal men, except it were governed by the circumstances of persons, time, and place. This talent,' continued he, is to be used as a man does his sword, not to be drawn but in his own defence, or to bring pretenders and impostors in society to a true light. But we have seen this faculty so mistaken, that the burlesque of Virgil himself has passed, among men of little taste, for wit⚫



and the noblest thoughts that can enter into
the heart of man levelled with ribaldry and
baseness: though by the rules of justice, no
man ought to be ridiculed for any imperfection,
who does not set up for eminent sufficiency in
that way wherein he is defective. Thus cow-
ards, who would hide themselves by an affected
terror in their mien and dress; and pedants,
who would show the depth of their knowledge
by a supercilious gravity, are equally the ob-
jects of laughter. Not that they are in them-
selves ridiculous, for their want of courage, or
weakness of understanding; but that they seem
insensible of their own place in life, and un-
happily rank themselves with those whose abi-
lities, compared to their defects, make them
contemptible. At the same time, it must be
remarked, that, risibility being the effect of
reason, a man ought to be expelled from sober
company who laughs without it. Ha! ha!'
says Will Truby, who sat by,' will any man
pretend to give me laws when I should laugh,
or tell me what I should laugh at?' Look
ye,' answered Humphry Slyboots,
mightily mistaken; you may, if you please,
make what noise you will, and nobody can
binder an English gentleman from putting his
face into what posture he thinks fit; but take
my word for it, that motion which you now
make with your mouth open, and the agitation
of your stomach, which you relieve by holding
your sides, is not laughter: laughter is a more
weighty thing than you imagine; and I will
tell you a secret, you never did laugh in your
life and truly I am afraid you never will, ex-
cept you take great care to be cured of those
convulsive fits.' Truby left us, and when he
had got two yards from us, 'Well,' said he,
· you are strange fellows!' and was immedi-
ately taken with another fit.


you are

an acknowledgment of his faults; I thought it for the good of my fellow-writers to publish it.

From my own Apartment, September 2.

The following letter being a panegyric upon me for a quality which every man may attain,


'It must be allowed, that esquire Bickerstaff is of all authors the most ingenuous. There are few, very few, that will own themselves in a mistake, though all the world see them to be You will be pleased, in downright nonsense. sir, to pardon this expression, for the same reason for which you once desired us to excuse you, when you seemed any thing dull. Most writers, like the generality of Paul* Lorraine's saints, seem to place a peculiar vanity in dying hard. But you, sir, to show a good example to your brethren, have not only confessed, but of your own accord mended the indictment. Nay, you have been so good-natured as to discover beauties in it, which, I will assure you, he that drew it never dreamed of. And, to make your civility the more accomplished, you have honoured him with the title of your kinsman, which, though derived by the left-hand, he is not a little proud of. My brother, for such Obadiah is, being at present very busy about nothing, has ordered me to return you his sincere thanks for all these favours; and, as a small token of his gratitude, to communicate to you the following piece of intelligence, which he thinks, belongs more properly to you, than to any others of our modern historians.

Madonella, who, as it was thought, had long since taken her flight towards the ethegions of mortality, where she has found, by rial mansions, still walks, it seems, in the redeep reflections on the revolution mentioned in yours of June the twenty-third, that where early instructions have been wanting to imprint true ideas of things on the tender souls of those of her sex, they are never after able to arrive at such a pitch of perfection, as to be above the laws of matter and motion; laws which are considerably enforced by the principles usually imbibed in nurseries and boarding schools. To remedy this evil, she has laid the scheme of a college for young damsels where (instead of scissars, needles, and samplers) pens, compasses, quadrants, books, manuscripts, Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, are to take up their whole time. Only on holidays the students will, for moderate exercise, be allowed to divert themselves with the use of some of the lightest and most voluble weapons; and proper care will be taken to give them at least superficial tincture of the ancient and modern Amazonian tactics. Of these military performances, the direction is undertaken by Epicene,† the writer of 'Memoirs from the Mediterranean,' who, by the help of some


The Trubies are a well-natured family, whose particular make such, that they have the same pleasure out of good-will, which other people have in that scorn which is the cause of laughter: therefore their bursting into the figures of men, when laughing, proceeds only from a general benevolence they are born with; as the Slyboots smile only on the greatest occasion of mirth; which difference is caused rather from a different structure of their organs, than that one is less moved than the other. I know Sourly frets inwardly, when Will Truby laughs at him; but when I meet him, and he bursts out, I know it is out of his abundant joy to see me, which he expresses by that voci-a feration which is in others laughter. But I sball defer considering this subject at large, until I come to my treatise of oscitation, laughter, and ridicule.

Mr. Paul Lorraine was at this time the ordinary of Newgate.

+ Epicene means Mrs. D. Mauley.

artificial poisons conveyed by smells, has within | knew, by my skill in astrology, that there was these few weeks brought many persons of both a great event approaching to our advantage; sexes to an untimely fate; and, what is more but, not having yet taken upon me to tell forsurprising, has, contrary to her profession, with tunes, I thought fit to defer the mention of the the same odours, revived others who had long battle near Mons until it happened; which since been drowned in the whirlpools of Lethe. moderation was no small pain to me: but I Another of the professors is to be a certain should wrong my art, if I concealed that some lady, who is now publishing two of the choicest of my aerial intelligencers had signified to me Saxon novels, which are said to have been in the news of it even from Paris, before the arrias great repute with the ladies of queen Em-val of lieutenant-colonel Graham in England.* All nations, as well as persons, have their good and evil genius attending them; but the kingdom of France has three, the last of which is neither for it nor against it in reality; but has for some months past acted an ambiguous part, and attempted to save its ward from the incursion of its powerful enemies, by little subterfuges and tricks, which a nation is more than undone when it is reduced to practise. Thus, instead of giving exact accounts and

ma's court, as the Memoirs from the New Atalantis' are with those of ours. I shall make it my business to enquire into the progress of this learned institution, and give you the first notice of their Philosophical Transactions, and Searches after Nature.' Yours, &c. TOBIAH GREENHAT.'

St. James's Coffee house, September 2. This day we have received advices by the way of Ostend, which give an account of an engage-representations of things, they tell what is inment between the French and the allies, on the deed true, but at the same time falsehood, eleventh instant, N. S. Marshal Boufflers arwhen all the circumstances come to be related. rived in the enemy's camp on the fifth, and Pacolet was at the court of France on Friday acquainted marshal Villars, that he did not night last, when this genius of that kingdom come in any character, but to receive his comcame thither in the shape of a post-boy, and mands for the king's service, and communicate cried out, that Mons was relieved, and the duke to him his orders upon the present posture of of Marlborough marched. Pacolet was much affairs. On the ninth, both armies advanced astonished at this account, and immediately towards each other, and cannonaded all the changed his form, and flew to the neighbourensuing day, until the close of the evening, and hood of Mons, from whence he found the allies stood on their arms all that night. On the day had really marched; and began to enquire into of battle the cannonading was renewed about the reasons of this sudden change, and half seven: the duke of Argyle had orders to attack feared he had heard a truth of the posture of the wood Sart on the right, which he executed the French affairs, even in their own country. so successfully, that he pierced through it, and But, upon diligent enquiry among the aerials won a considerable post. The prince of Orange who attend those regions, and consultation had the same good fortune in a wood on the with the neighbouring peasants, he was able to left after which the whole body of the confe- bring me the following account of the motions derates, joined by the forces from the siege, of the armies since they retired from about marched up and engaged the enemy, who were that place, and the action which followed drawn up at some distance from these woods. thereupon. The dispute was very warm for some time; but towards noon, the French began to give ground from one wing to the other; which advantage being observed by our generals, the whole army was urged on with fresh vigour, and in a few hours the day ended with the entire defeat of the enemy.

No. 64.] Tuesday, September 6, 1709.

Quæ caret ora cruore nostro ? Hor. 1 Od. ii. 36.
What coast, encircled by the briny flood,
Boasts not the glorious tribute of our blood.
From my own Apartment, September 5.
WHEN I lately spoke of triumphs, and the
behaviour of the Romans on those occasions, I

Mrs. Elizabeth Elstob, the lady here meant, is a striking Instance, that no accomplishments, natural or acquired, could protect their possessor, of whatever merit or sex, from the insults of this libertine wit.

On Saturday the seventh of September, N. S. the confederate army was alarmed in their camp at Havre, by intelligence, that the enemy were marching to attack the prince of Hesse. Upon this advice, the duke of Marlborough commanded that the troops should immediately move; which was accordingly performed, and they were all joined on Sunday the eighth at noon. On that day, in the morning, it appeared that, instead of being attacked, the advanced guard of the detachment, commanded by the prince of Hesse, had dispersed and taken prisoners a party of the enemy's horse, which was sent out to observe the march of the con

federates. The French moved from Quiverain on Sunday in the morning, and inclined to the right from thence all that day. The ninth,

Lieut. Col. Graham came express with an account of the battle of Malplaquet, in a letter from the duke of Mari borough to Mr. Secretary Boyle.

they drove back the enemy with such bravery, that the victory began to incline to the allies by the precipitate retreat of the French to their works, from whence they were immediately beaten. The duke, upon observing this advantage on the right, commanded the earl of Orkney to march with a sufficient number of battalions, to force the enemy from their

the Monday following, they continued their march, until on Tuesday, the tenth, they possessed themselves of the woods of Dour and Blaugies. As soon as they came into that ground, they threw up intrenchments with all expedition. The allies arrived within few hours after the enemy was posted; but the duke of Marlborough thought fit to wait for the arrival of the reinforcement which he ex-intrenchments on the plain between the woods of Sart and Jansart; which being performed, the horse of the allies marched into the plains, covered by their own foot, and forming themselves in good order; the cavalry of the enemy attempted no more but to cover the foot in their retreat. The allies made so good use of the beginning of the victory, that all their troops moved on with fresh resolution, until they saw the enemy fly before them towards Conde and Maubeuge; after whom, proper detachments were sent, who made a terrible slaughter in the pursuit.

In this action, it is said, prince Eugene was wounded, as also the duke of Aremberg, and lieutenant-general Webb. The count of Oxenstern, colonel Lalo, and sir Thomas Pendergrass were killed.

pected from the siege of Tournay. Upon notice that these troops were so far advanced as to be depended on for an action the next day, it was accordingly resolved to engage the enemy.

It will be necessary for understanding the greatness of the action, and the several motions made in the time of the engagement, that you have in your mind, an idea of the place. The two armies, on the eleventh instant, were both drawn up before the woods of Dour, Blaugies, Sart, and Jansart; the army of the prince of Savoy on the right before that of Blaugies; the forces of Great Britain in the centre on his left; those of the high allies, with the wood Sart, as well as a large interval of plain ground, and Jansart on the left of the whole. The enemy were intrenched in the paths of the woods, and drawn up behind two intrenchments overagainst them, opposite to the armies of the duke of Marlborough and prince Eugene. There were also two lines intrenched in the plains over against the army of the States. This was the posture of the French and confederate forces when the signal was given, and the whole line moved on to the charge.

This wonderful success, obtained under all the difficulties that could be opposed in the way of an army, must be acknowledged as owing to the genius, courage, and conduct of the duke of Marlborough, a consummate hero; who has lived not only beyond the time in which Cæsar said he was arrived at a satiety of life and glory; but also been so long the subject of panegyric, that it is as hard to say any thing new in his praise, as to add to the merit which requires such eulogiums.

To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire. 'SIR,

The Dutch army, commanded by the prince of Hesse, attacked with the most undaunted oravery; and, after a very obstinate resistance, forced the first intrenchment of the enemy in the plain between Sart and Jansart; but were repulsed in their attack on the second, with great slaughter on both sides. The duke of Marlborough, while this was transacting on the left, had with very much difficulty marched through Sart, and beaten the enemy from the several intrenchments they had thrown up in it. As soon as the duke had marched into the plain, he observed the main body of the enemy drawn up and intrenched in the front of his army. This situation of the enemy, in the ordinary course of war, is usually thought an advantage hardly to be surmounted; and might, appear impracticable to any, but that army which had just overcome greater difficulties. The duke commanded the troops to form, but to forbear charging until further order. In the mean time he visited the left of our line, where the troops of the States had been en-dently avoiding its chief walks and districts. gaged. The slaughter on this side had been I smile when I see a solid citizen of threevery great, and the Dutch, incapable of making score read the article from Will's coffee-house, further progress, except they were suddenly re- and seem to be just beginning to learn his alinforced. The right of our line was attacked phabet of wit in spectacles; and to hear the soon after their coming upon the plain; but attentive table sometimes stop him with per

Though I have not the honour to be of the family of the Staffs, nor related to any branch of it, yet I applaud your wholesome project of making wit useful.

This is what has been, or should have been, intended by the best comedies. But nobody, I think, before you, thought of a way to bring the stage, as it were, into the coffee-house, and there attack those gentlemen who thought themselves out of the reach of raillery, by pru


Will's Coffee-house, September 5.

The following letter being very explanatory of the true design of our lucubrations, and at the same time an excellent model for performing it, it is absolutely necessary, for the better understanding our works, to publish it.

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