sight which I had not before taken notice of. my pursuits until I arrived at my grand cli-
rbe winds that passed over this flowery plain, macteric. But at length, altogether despairing
kod through the tops of the trees, which were of success, whether it were (or want of capacity,
full of blossoms, blew upon me in such a con- friends, or due application, I at last resolved to
tinued breeze of sweets, that I was wonderfully erect a new office, and, for my encouragement,
charmed with my situation. I here saw all to place myself in it. For this reason I took
the inner declivities of that great circuit of upon me the title and dignity of Censor of
mountains, whose outside was covered with Great Britain,' reserving to myself all such
snow, overgrown with huge forests of fir-trees, perquisites, profits, and emoluments, as should
which indeed are very frequently found in arise out of the discharge of the said office.
other parts of the Alps. These trees were in- These in truth have not been inconsiderable ;
habited by storks, that came thither in great for, besides those weekly contributions which
flights from very distant quarters of the world. I receive from John Morphew,* and those
Methoughts I was pleased in my dream to see annual subscriptions which I propose to myself
what became of these birds, when, upon leaving from the most elegant part of this great island,
the places to which they make an annual visit, | I daily live in a very comfortable afluence of
they rise in great flocks so high until they are wine, stale beer, Hungary water, beef, books,
out of sight, and for that reason have been and marrow-bones, which I receive from many
thought by some modern philosophers to take well disposed citizens ; not to mention the
a flight to the moon. But my eyes were soon forfeitures, which accrue to me from the se.
diverted from this prospect, when I observed veral offenders that appear before me on court-
two great gaps that led through this circuit of days.
mountains, where guards and watches were Having now enjoyed this office for the space
posted day and night. Upon examination, 1 of a twelvemonth, I shall do what all good
found that there were two formidable enemies officers ought to do, take a survey of my beha-
encamped before each of these avenues, who viour, and consider carefully, whether I bave
kept the place in a perpetual alarm, and discharged my duty, and acted up to the cha-
watched all opportunities of invading it. racter with which I am invested. For my di-

Tyranny was at the head of one of these rection in this particular, I have made a narrow
armies, dressed in an Eastern babit, and grasp- search into the nature of the old Roman cen-
ing in her hand an iron sceptre. Bebiud her sors, whom I must always regard, not only as
was Barbarity, with the garb and complexion my predecessors, but as my patterns in this
of an Ethiopian; Ignorance, with a turban great employment; and have several times
upon her bead; and Persecution holding up a asked my own heart with great impartiality,
bloody fag, embroidered with flower-de-luces. whether Cato will not bear a more venerable
These were followed by Oppression, Poverty, figure among posterity than Bickerstaff?
Famine, Torture, and a dreadful train of ap- I find the duty of the Roman censor was
pearances that made me tremble to behold two-fold. The first part of it consisted in
them. Among the baggage of this army, I making frequent reviews of the people, in cast.
could discover racks, wheels, chains, and gib.ing up their numbers, ranging them under
bets, with all the instruments art could invent their several tribes, disposing them into proper
to make human nature miserable.

classes, and subdividing them into their reBefore the other avenue I saw Licentious. spective centuries. ness, dressed in a garment not unlike the Polish In compliance with this part of the office, I cassock, and leading up a whole army of mon- have taken many curious surveys of this great sters, such as Clamour, with a hoarse voice city. I have collected into particular budies and a hundred tongues; Coufusion, with a the Dappers and the Smarts, the natural and mishapen body, and a thousand heads; Impu- affected Rakes, the Pretty-fellows, and the very dence, with a forehead of brass; a:d Rapine, Pretty-fellows. I have likewise drawn out in with hands of iron. The tumult, noise, and several distinct parties, your Pedants and Men uproar in this quarter, were so very great, that Fire, your Gamesters and Politicians. I have they disturbed my imagination more than is separated Cits from Citizens, Free-thinkers consistent with sleer, and hy that means awaked from Philosophers, Wits from Snuff-takers,

and Duelists from men of Honour. I have likewise made a calculation of Esquires ; not

only considering the several distinct swarms of No. 162.] Saturday, April 22, 1710.

me.

that inhabit the helds and woods, and are often mention whole packs of delinquents whom ! found in pot-houses, and upon hay-cocks. have shut up in kennels, and the new hospital

I shall pass the soft sex over in silence, having which I am at present erecting for the recepnot yet reduced them into any tolerable order; tion of those my countrymen, who give me as likewise the softer tribe of Lovers, which but little hopes of their amendment, on the will cost me a great deal of time before I shall borders of Moor-fields. I shall only observe be able to cast them into their several centuries upon this last particular, that, since some late and subdivisions.

surveys I have taken of this island, I shall think The second part of the Roman censor's office it necessary to enlarge the plan of the buildwas to look into the manners of the people ; ings which I design in this quarter. and to check any growing luxury, whether in When any great predecessor, Cato the Elder, diet, dress, or building. This duty likewise I stood for the censorship of Rome, there were have endeavoured to discharge, by those whole- several other competitors who offered them. some precepts which I have given my country- selves; and, to get an interest amongst the men in regard to beef and mutton, and the people, gave them great promises of the mild severe censures which I have passed upon ra- and gentle treatment which they would use togouts and fricassees. There is not, as I am ward them in that office, Cato, on the contrary, informed, a pair of red heels to be seen within told them,' be presented himself as a candidate, ten miles of London ; which I may likewise because he knew the age was sunk in immorality ascribe, without vånity, to the becoming zeal and corruption; and that, if they would give which I expressed in that particular. I must him their votes, he would promise them to own, my success with the petticoat is not so make use of such a strictness and severity of great ; but, as I have not yet done with it, I discipline, as should recover them out of it.' hope I shall in a little time put an effectual The Roman historians, upou this occasion, very stop to that growing evil. As for the article much celebrated the public-spiritedness of that of building, I intend hereafter to enlarge upon people, who chose Cato for their censor, not. it; having lately observed several warehouses, withstanding bis method of recommending nay, private shops, that stand upon Corinthian bimself. I may in some measure extol my own pillars, and whole rows of tin pots showing countrymen upon the same account; who, themselves, in order to their sale, through a without any respect to party, or any application sash-window.*

from myself, have made such generous subI have likewise followed the example of the scriptions * for the Censor of Great Britain, as Roman censors, in punishing offences accord- will give a magnificence to my old age, and ing to the quality of the offender. It was usual wbich I esteem more than I would any post in for them to expel a senator, who had been Europe of a hundred times the value. I shall guilty of great immoralities, out of the senate only add, that upon looking into my catalogue house, by omitting his name when they called of subscribers, which I intend to print alphaover the list of his brethren. In the same tetically in the front of my lucubrations, I manner, to remove effectually several worthless find the names of the greatest beauties and men who stand possessed of great honours, I wits in the whole island of Great Britain ; have made frequent draughts of dead men out which I only mention for the benefit of the vicious part of the nobility, and given them who bave not yet subscribed, it being them up to the new society of upholders, with my design to close the subscription in a very the necessary orders for their interment. As short time. the Roman censors used to punish the knights or gentlemen of Rome, by taking away their horses from them, I have seized the canes of No. 163.] Tuesday, April 23, 1710. many criminals of figure, whom I had just

Idem inficeto est inficetior rure, reason to animadvert upon. As for the offen- Simul pocruata attigit ; neque idem unquam ders among the common people of Rome, they Æque est beatus, ac poema cum scribit :

Tam gaudet in se, tamque se ipse miratur. were generally chastised by being thrown out

Nimirum idem omnes fallimur; neque est quisquam of a bigber tribe, and placed in one which was Quem non in aliqnâ re videre suffenum not so honourable. My reader cannot but

any of

6

Will's Coffee-house, April 24. something in it that piques; and then the dart | YESTERDAY came hither about two hours in the last line is certainly as pretty a sting in before the company generally make their the tail of an epigram, for so I think you critics appearance, with a design to read over all the call it, as ever entered into the thought of a newspapers ; but, upon my sitting down, I was poet.' Dear Mr. Bickerstaff,' says he, shaking accosted by Ned Softly, who saw me from a

me by the band, 'every body knows you to be a corner in the other end of the room, where I judge of these things ; and to tell you truly, I found he had been writing something. Mr.

read over Roscommon's translation of‘ Horace's Bickerstaff,' says he,' I observe by a late paper Art of Poetry' three several times, before I sat of yours, that you and I are just of a humour; down to write the sonnet which I have shown for you must know, of all impertinences, there you. But you shall hear it again, and pray is nothing which I so much hate as news. I

observe every line of it; for not one of them never read a Gazette in my life; and never shall pass without your approbation. trouble my head about our armies, whether When dress'd in laurel wreaths yon shine, they win or lose, or in what part of the world That is,' says he, 'when you have your they lie encamped.' Without giving me tiine garland on; when you are writing verses. To to reply, he drew a paper of verses out of his which I replied, 'I know your meaning ; a pocket, telling me, that he bad something metaphor ? The same,' said he, and went on. which would entertain me more agreeably;

And tune your soft melodious notes, and that he would desire my judgment upon every line, for that we had time enough before

Pray observe the gliding of that verse ; us until the company came in.'

there is scarce a consonant in it; I took care Ned Softly is a very pretty poet, and a great to make it run upon liquids. Give me your admirer of easy lines. Waller is his favourite : opinion of it.' Truly,' said I, I think it as and as that admirable writer has the best and good as the former.' 'I am very glad to hear worst verses of any among our great English you say so,' says he ; but mind the next. poets, Ned Softly has got all the bad ones with

You seem a sister of the Nine, out book : which he repeats upon occasion, to

That is,' says he, 'you seem a sister of the show his reading, and garnish his conversation. muses; for, if you look into ancient authors, Ned is indeed a true English reader, incapable you will find it was their opinion, that there of relishing the great and masterly strokes of were nine of them.' 'I remember it very well,' this art: but wonderfully pleased with the little said I ; ' but pray proceed.' Gothic ornaments of epigrammatical conceits,

Or Phæbus' self in petticoats. turns, points, and quibbles; which are so fre. quent in the most admired of our English poets,

'Pbæbus,' says he,' was the god of poetry. and practised by those who want genius and These little instances, Mr. Bickerstaff, show a strength to represent, after the manner of the gentleman's reading. Then, to take off from ancients, simplicity in its natural beauty and the air of learning, which Phæbus and the perfection.

muses bad given to this first stanza, you may Finding myself unavoidably engaged in such observe, how it falls all of a sudden into the a conversation, I was resolved to turn my pain familiar ; in Petticoats !" into a pleasure, and to divert myself as well as Or Phoebus' self in petticoats. I could with so very odd a fellow. You must

Let us now,' says I, 'enter upon the second understand,' says Ned, 'that the sonnet I am stanza; I find the first line is still a continuagoing to read to you was written upon a lady, tion of the metaphor.' who showed me some verses of her own making,

I fancy, when your song you sing, and is, perhaps, the best poet of our age. But vou sball hear it.'

'It is very right,'says he ; 'but pray observe Upon which he began to read as follows: the turn of words in those two lines. I was a

whole hour in adjusting of them, and have still To Mira, on her incomparable Pocms. a doubt upon me, whether in the second line

it should be “ Your song you sing; or, You When dress'd in Jaurel wreaths you shine,

sing your song?" You shall hear them both;' And tune your soft melodions notes,

I fancy, when your song you sing,
You seemn a sister of the Nine,

Your song you sing with so much art)
Or Phæbne' self in petticoats.

OR,

I fancy, when your song you sing,
I fancy, when your song you sing,

(You sing your song with so much art)
(Your song you sing with so much art)

Truly,' said I, “the turn is so natural either
Your pen was pluck'd from Cupid's wing ;
For, ah! it wounds me like his dart.

way, that you have made me almost giddy with

it.' Dear, sir,' said he, grasping me by the 'Why' says I, 'this is a little nosegay of hand, you have a great deal of patience; but conceits, a very lump of salt. every verse has pray what do you think of the next verse ?'

6

I.

II.

Your pen was pluck'd from Cupid's wing ; | I dwindle at the court-end of the town. Some* Think!' says I; 'I think you have made times I sink in both these places at the same Cupid look like a little goose.'

That was my

time;

but, for my comfort, my name hath then meaning,' says he: 'I think the ridicule is been up in the districts of Wapping and Rowell enough hit off. But we come now to the therhithe. Some of my correspoudents desire

me to be always serivus, and others to be always last, which sums up the whole natter.

merry. Some of them entreat me to go to bed For Ah! it wounds me like his dart.

and fall into a dream, and like me better when Pray how do you like that Ah! doth it I am asleep than when I am awake: others adnot make a pretty figure in that place ? Ah! vise me to sit all night upon the stars, and be -it looks as if I felt the dart, and cried out

more frequent in my astrological observations; as being pricked with it.

for that a vision is not properly a lucubration. For, Ah! it wounds me like his dart.

Some of my readers thank me for filling my 'My friend Dick Easy,' continued he,' as

paper with the flowers of antiquity, others sured me, he would rather have written that desire news from Flanders. Some approve my Ah! than to have been the author of the Æneid. criticisms on the dead, and others my censures

on the living. For this reason, I once resolved, He indeed objected, that I made Mira's pen like a quill in one of the lines, and like a dart in the new edition of my works, to range my

several in the other. But as to that --' 'Oh! as to

papers under distinct heads, according that,' says I, “it is but supposing Cupid to be

as their principal design was to benefit and inlike a porcupine, and his quills and darts will struct the different capacities of my readers ;

and to follow the example of some very great be the same thing.' He was going to embrace me for the hint ; but half a dozen critics coming authors, by writing at the head of each disinto the room, whose faces he did not like, course, Ad Aulam, Ad Academiam, Ad Popuhe conveyed the sonnet into his pocket, and lum, Ad Clerum.

There is no particular in whico my correwhispered me in the ear,' he would show it me

spondents of all ages, conditions, sexes, and again as soon as his man had written it over fair.'

complexions, universally agree, except only in their thirst after scandal. It is impossible to

conceive, b'w many have recommended their No. 164.] Thursday, April 27, 1710.

neighbours o me upon this account, or how

unmercifully I have been abused by several Qui promittit cives, arbem, sibi cura,

unknown bands, for not publishing the secret Imperium fore, et Italiam, et delubra deorum, Quo patre sit natus, num ignotâ matre iphonestus?

histories of cuckoldom that I have received Oinnes mortales curare et quærere cogit.

from almost every street in town.

It would indeed be very dangerous for me to Whoever promises to guard the state,

read over the many praises and eulogiums, The gods, the temples, and imprrial seat, Makes ev'ry mortal ask his father's naine,

which come post to me from all the corners of Or if his mother was a slave-born dame?

the nation, were they not mixed with many

checks, reprimands, scurrilities, and reproaches; From my own Apartment, April 26. which several of my good-natured countrymen I HAVE lately been looking over the many cannot forbear sending me, though it often packets of letters which I have received from costs them twopence or a groat before they can all quarters of Great Britain, as well as from convey then, to my hands : so that sometimes foreign countries, since my entering upon the when I am put into the best humour in the office of Censor; and indeed am very much world, after having read a panegyric upon my surprised to see so great a number of them. performances, and looked upon myself as a and pleased to think that I have so far increased benefactor to the British nation, the next letter, the revenue of the post-office. As this collec- perhaps, I open, begins with, ' You old doting tion will grow daily, I have digested it into scoundrel!-

-Are not you a sad dog? several bundles, and made proper indorsements Sirrah, you deserve to have your nose slit ;' on each particular letter; it being my design, and the like ingenious conceits. These little when I lay down the work that I am now en- mortifications are necessary to suppress that gaged in, to erect a paper-office, and give it to pride and vanity which naturally arise in the the public.

mind of a received author, and enable me to I could not but make several observations bear the reputation which my courteous readers upon reading over the letters of my correspon- bestow upon me, without becoming a coxcomb dents. As, first of all, on the different tastes by it. It was for the same reason, that when that reign in the different parts of this city. I a Roman general entered the city in the pomp find by the approbations which are given me, of a triumph, the commonwealth allowed of that I am seldom famous on the same days on several little drawbacks to his reputation, by both sides of Temple bar ; and that when I conniving at such of the rabble as repeated din in the greatest repute within the liberties, I libels and lampoons upon him within his bear

Hor. 1 Sat. vi. 34.

Francis.

W. B.'

ing; and by that means engaged his thoughts I wife's hands until Saturday, the day after exeupon his weakness and imperfections, as well cution, and being at that time more scrupulous as on the merits that advanced bin to so great than ordinary in speaking exact truth, he bonours. The conqueror, however, was not formed his letter rather according to the posthe less esteemed for being a man in some par- ture of his affairs when she should read it, than ticulars, because he appeared as a god in others. as they stood when he sent it: though, it niust

There is another circumstance in which my be confessed, there is a certain perplexity in
countrymen have dealt very perversely with the style of it, which the reader will easily
me; and that is, in searching not only into pardon, considering his circumstances.
my life, but also into the lives of my ancestors.

• DEAR WIFE,
If there has been a blot in my family for these
ten generations, it hath been discovered by

Hoping you are in good health, as I am at
some or other of my correspondents. In short, this present writing ; this is to let you know,
I find the ancient family of the Bickerstaffs that yesterday, between the hours of eleven and
has suffered very much through the malice and twelve, I was hanged, drawn, and quartered.
prejudice of my enemies. Some of them twit I died very penitently, and every body thought
me in the teeth with the conduct of my aunt my case very hard. Remember me kindly to
Margery. Nay, there are some who have been my poor fatherless children.
so disingenuous, as to throw Maud the milk-

Yours, until death, maid into my dish, notwithstanding I myself was the first who discovered that alliance. I It so happened, that this honest sellow was reap however many benefits from the malice relieved by a party of his friends, and had the of these enemies, as they let me see my own satisfaction to see all the rebels hanged wbo faults, and give me a view of myself in the had been bis enemies. I must not omit a cir. worst light; as they hinder me from being cumstance which exposed him to raillery bis blown up by Aattery and self-conceit; as they whole life after. Before the arrival of the next make me keep a watchful eye over my own post, that would have set all things clear, bis actions; and at the same time make me cau- wife was married io a second husband, who tious how I talk of others, and particularly of lived in the peaceable possession of her; and my friends and relations, or value myself upon the corporal, who was a man of plain underthe antiquity of my family.

standing, did not care to stir in the matter, as But the most formidable part of my corre. knowing that she had the rews of his death spondents are those, whose letters are filled under his own hand, which she might have with threats and menaces. I have been treated produced upon occasion, so often after this manner, that, not thinking it sufficient to fence well, in which I am now arrived at the utmost perfection, and to carry No. 165.] Saturday, April 29, 1710. pistols about me, wbich I have always tucked within my girdle; I several months since made

From my own Apartment, April 28. my will, settled my estate, and took leave of

It has always been my endeavour to distinmy friends, looking upon myself as no better guish between realities and appearances, and to than a dead man. Nay, I went so far as to separate true merit from the pretence to it. write a long letter to the most intimate ac

As it shall ever be my study to make discoveries quaintance I have in the world, under the of this nature in human life, and to settle the cbaracter of a departed person, giving him an

proper distinctions between the virtues and account of what brought me to that untimely perfections of mankind, and those false colours end, and of the fortitude with which I met it. and resemblances of them that shine alike in This letter being too long for the present paper, the eyes of the vulgar; so I shall be more parI intend to print it by itself very suddenly; and,

ticularly careful to search into the various at the same time, I must confess I took my

merits and pretences of the learned world. This hint of it from the behaviour of an old soldier is the more necessary, because there seems to in the civil wars, who was corporal of a com

be a general combination among the pedauts pany in a regiment of foot, about the same time to extol one another's labours, and cry up one that I myself was a cadet in the king's army.

another's parts; while men of sense, either This gentleman was taken by the enemy;

tbrough that modesty* which is natural to and the two parties were upon such terms at

• Addison was undoubtedly a man of sense, and of cele that time, that we did not treat each other as

brated modesty ; bnt when, on the representation of his prisoners of war, but as traitors and rebels. Cato, he was to stand thc hazard of the theatre, that as little The poor coporal, being condemned to die, might be left to hazard as possible, on the first night, Steele,

as himself relates, undertook to pack an audience. This, wrote a letter to his wife when under sentence

says Pope, on the testimony of Spence, had been tried, for of execution. He writ on the Thursday, and the first time, in favour of the Distrest Mother' (a tragedy was to be executed on the Friday: but, consi- of Mr. Ambrose Phillips, 1712,) and was now practised with

more efficacy for Calo' Dr. Johnson's' Lives of English dering that the letter would not come to his Poets,' vol. 11. p. 371. 8vo. 1781.