Enemy: when the door was opened, he de sired, if there was any Dog, that it might be shut up till he was gone, and would not enter the House till it was.

"Sword and Tuck Sticks, as commonly made are hardly so good a weapon as a stout Stick

infinite generation of mongrels and crosses in- | cluded, in Great Britain and Ireland-to say nothing of the sledge-drawers in Kamschatka, and in the realms slow-moving near the Pole? To clench the argument at once--What are all the ald women in Europe, one-half of the men, and one-third of the children, when compared, in va--the Blades are often inserted into the Hanlue, with any one of Christopher North's Newfoundland dogs-Fro-Bronte-or O'Bronte? Finally, does he include in his sweeping condemnation the whole brute creation, lions, tigers, panthers, ounces, elephants, rhinoceroses, hippopotami, camelopardales, zebras, quaggas, cattle, horses, asses, mules, cats, the ichneumon, cranes, storks, cocks-of-the-wood, geese, and how-towdies?

"Semi-drowning in the sea"-he continues -"and all the pretended specifics, are mere delusions-there is no real remedy but cutting the part out immediately. If the bite be near a blood vessel, that cannot always be done, nor when done, however well done, will it always prevent the miserable victim from dying the most dreadful of deaths. Well might St. Paul tell us to beware of dogs.' First Epistle to Philippians, chap. iii. v. 2."

dles in such a slight manner, that one smart blow will break them out;-if you wish for a Sword-Cane, you must have one made with a good Regulation Blade, which alone will cost more than is usually charged for the entire Stick.-I have seen a Cane made by Mr. PRICE, of the Stick and Umbrella Warehouse, 221, in the Strand, near Temple Bar, which was excellently put together.

"A powerful weapon, and a very smart and light-looking thing, is an Iron Stick of about four-tenths of an inch in diameter, with a Hook next the Hand, and terminating at the other end in a Spike about five inches in length, which is covered by a Ferrule, the whole painted the colour of a common walking-stick; it has a light natty appearance, while it is in fact a most formidable Instrument."

We cannot charge our memory with this inSemi-drowning in the sea is, we grant, a bad strument, yet had we seen one once, we hardly specific, and difficult to be administered. It is think we could have forgot it. But Colonel de not possible to tell, a priori, how much drown- Berenger in his Helps and Hints prefers the ing any particular patient can bear. What is umbrella. Umbrellas are usually carried, we mere semi-drowning to James, is total drown- believe, in wet weather, and dogs run mad, if ing to John;-Tom is easy of resuscitation-ever, in dry. So the safe plan is to carry one Bob will not stir a muscle for all the Humane all the year through, like the Duke. Societies in the United Kingdoms. To cut a pound of flesh from the rump of a fat dowager, who turns sixteen stone, is within the practical skill of the veriest bungler in the anatomy of the human frame--to scarify the fleshless spindle-shank of an antiquated spinstress, who lives on a small annuity, might be beyond the scalpel of an Abernethy or a Liston. A large bloodvessel, as the Doctor well remarks, is an awkward neighbour to the wound made by the bite of a mad dog, "when a new excision has to be attempted"-but will any Doctor living inform us how, in a thousand other cases besides hydrophobia, "the miserable victim may always be prevented from dying?" There are, probably, more dogs in Britain than horses; yet a hundred men, women, and children are killed by kicks of sane horses, for one by bites of insane dogs. Is the British army, therefore, to be deprived of its left arm, the cavalry? Is there to be no flying artillery? What is to become of the horse-marines?

Still the Doctor, though too dogmatical, and rather puppyish above, is, at times, sensible on dogs.

"Therefore," quoth he, "never travel without a good tough Black Thorn in your Fist, not less than three feet in length, on which may be marked the Inches, and so it may serve for a measure.

"Pampered Dogs, that are permitted to prance about as they please, when they hear a knock, scamper to the door, and not seldom snap at unwary visiters. Whenever Counsellor Cautious went to a house, &c., where he was not quite certain that there was no Dog, after he had rapped at the door, he retired three or four yards from it, and prepared against the

"I found it a valuable weapon, although by mere chance; for walking alone in the rain a large mad dog, pursued by men, suddenly turned upon me, out of a street which I had just approached; by instinct more than by judgment, I gave point at him severely, opened as the umbrella was, which, screening me at the same time, was an article from which he dia not expect thrusts; but which, although made at guess, for I could not see him, turned him over and over, and before he could recover himself, his pursuers had come up immediately to despatch him; the whole being the work of even few seconds; but for the umbrella the horrors of hydrophobia might have fallen to my lot."

There is another mode, which, with the omission or alteration of a word or two, looks feasible, supposing we had to deal not with a bull-dog, but a young lady of our own species. "If," says the Colonel, "you can seize a dog's front paw neatly, and immediately squeeze it sharply, he cannot bite you till you cease to squeeze it; therefore, by keeping him thus well pinched, you may lead him wherever you like. or you may, with the other hand, seize him by the skin of the neck, to hold him thus without danger, provided your strength is equal to his efforts at extrication." But here comes the Colonel's infallible vade-mecum.

"Look at them with your face from between your open legs, holding the skirts away, and running at them thus backwards, of course head below, stern exposed and above, and growling angrily, most dogs, seeing so strange an animal, the head at the heels, the eyes be low the mouth, &c., are so dismayed, that, with their tails between their legs, they are glad to scamper away, some even howling with af

fright. I have never tried it with a thorough- | proud, and of which the effect on landlady bred bull-dog, nor do I advise it with them; though I have practised it, and successfully, with most of the other kinds; it might fail with these, still I cannot say it will.”

"If circumstances compel you," continues the Doctor, "to ride on the outside of a coach, put on two shirts and two pair of stockings, turn up the collar of your great-coat, and tie a—the amount of the whole being somewhere handkerchief round it, and have plenty of dry straw to set your feet on."

wold, as the Telegraph hung for a moment on | accommodations, it will sometimes be prudent the misty upland, for the philibeg of Phoebus not to undress entirely; however, the neck in his dawn-dress, hastily slipt on as he bade cloth, gaiters, shirt, and every thing which farewell to some star-paramour, and, like a checks the circulation, must be loosened." giant about to run a race, devoured the cerulean course of day, as if impatient to reach the goal set in the Western Sea.

FOURTH COURSE.

PRAY, reader, do you know what line of conduct you ought to pursue if you are to sleep on the road? "The earlier you arrive," says the Doctor, "and the earlier after your arrival you apply, the better the chance of getting a good bed-this done, order your luggage to your room. A travelling-bag, or a 'sac de nuit,' in addition to your trunk, is very necessary; it should be large enough to contain one or two changes of linen-a night-shirtshaving apparatus-comb, clothes, tooth and hair brushes, &c. Take care, too, to see your sheets well aired, and that you can fasten your room at night. Carry fire-arms also, and take the first unostentatious opportunity of showing your pistols to the landlord. However wellmade your pistols, however carefully you have chosen your flint, and however dry your powder, look to the priming and touch-hole every night. Let your pistols be double-barrelled, and with spring bayonets."

Now, really, it appears to us, that in lieu of double-barrelled pistols with spring bayonets, it would be advisable to substitute a brace of black-puddings for daylight, and a brace of Oxford or Bologna sausages for the dark hours. They will be equally formidable to the robber, and far safer to yourself. Indeed we should like to see duelling black-puddings, or sausages, introduced at Chalk-Farm;-and, that etiquette might not be violated, each party might take his antagonist's weapon, and the seconds, as usual, see them loaded. Surgeons will have to attend as usual. Far more blood, indeed, would be thus spilt, than according to the present fashion.

Clean sheets, the Doctor thinks, are rare in inns; and he believes that it is the practice to "take them from the bed, sprinkle them with water, fold them down, and put them into a press. When they are wanted again, they are, literally speaking, shown to the fire, and, in a reeking state, laid on the bed. The traveller is tired and sleepy, dreams of that pleasure or business which brought him from home, and the remotest thing from his mind is, that from the very repose which he fancies has refreshed him, he has received the rheumatism. receipt, therefore, to sleep comfortably at inns, is to take your own sheets, to have plenty of flannel gowns, and to promise, and take care to pay, a handsome consideration for the liberty of choosing your bed."

The

Now, Doctor, suppose all travellers behaved at inns upon such principles, what a perpetual commotion there would be in the house! The kitchens, back-kitchens, laundries, drying rooms, would at all times be crammed choke full of a miscellaneous rabble of Editors, Authors, Lords, Baronets, Squires, Doctors of Divinity, Fellows of Colleges, Half-pay Of ficers, and Bagmen, oppressing the chambermaids to death, and in the headlong gratification of their passion for well-aired sheets, setting fire so incessantly to public premises as to raise the rate of insurance to a ruinous height, and thus bring bankruptcy on all the principal establishments in Great Britain. But shutting our eyes, for a moment, to such general conflagration and bankruptcy, and indulging ourselves in the violent supposition that some inns might still continue to exist, think, O think, worthy Doctor, to what other fatal results this system, if universally acted upon, would, in a very few years of the transitory life of man, inevitably lead! In the firs place, in a country where all travellers carried with them their own sheets, none would be kept in inns except for the use of the esta blishment's own members. This would be inflicting a vital blow, indeed, on the inns of a country. For mark, in the second place, that the blankets would not be long of following the sheets. The blankets would soon fly after the sheets on the wings of love and despair.

world and its ways, as not to see that the bedsteads would, in the twinkling of an eye, fol low the blankets? What a wild, desolate wintry appearance would a bed-room then ex hibit!

The Doctor, as might be expected, makes a mighty rout-a prodigious fuss-all through the Oracle, about damp sheets;-he must immediately see the chamber-maid, and overlook the airing with his own hands and eyes. He is also an advocate of the warming-pan-and | Thirdly, are you so ignorant, Doctor, of this for the adoption, indeed, of every imaginable scheme for excluding death from his chamber. He goes on the basis of every thing being as it should not be in inns-and often reminds us or our old friend Death-in-the-Pot. Nay, as Travellers never can be sure that those who The foresight of such consequences as these have slept in the beds before them were not may well make a man shudder. We have no afflicted with some contagious disease, when-objections, however, to suffer the Doctor him ever they can they should carry their own sheets with them—namely, a "light eider-down quilt, and two dressed hart skins, to be put on the mattrasses, to hinder the disagreeable contact. These are to be covered with the traveller's own sheets-and if an eider-down quilt be not sufficient to keep him warm, his coat put upon it will increase the heat sufficiently. If the traveller. is not provided with these

self, and a few other occasional damp-dreading old quizzes, "to see the bed-clothes put to the fire in their presence," merely at the expense of subjugating themselves to the derision of all the chambermaids, cooks, scullions, boots, ostlers, and painters. (The painter is the art ist who is employed in inns to paint the but tered toast. He always works in oils. As the Director General would say he deals in bu

where concealment is possible-of course, although the Doctor forgets to suggest it, into the chimney. A friend of the Doctor's used to place a bureau against the door, and "thereon he set a basin and ewer in such a position as easily to rattle, so that, on being shook, they instantly became molto agitato." Upon one alarming occasion this device frightened away one of the chambermaids, or some other Pau lina Pry, who attempted to steal on the virgin sleep of the travelling Joseph, who all the time was hiding his head beneath the bolster. Jo.

tery touches.) Their feverish and restless anxiety about sheets, and their agitated discourse on damps and deaths, hold them up to vulgar eyes in the light of lunatics. They become the groundwork of practical jokes-perhaps are bitten to death by fleas; for a chambermaid, of a disposition naturally witty and cruel, has a dangerous power put into her hands, in the charge of blankets. The Doctor's whole soul and body are wrapt up in well-aired sheets; but the insidious Abigail, tormented by his flustering, becomes in turn the tormentorand selecting the yellowest, dingiest, and dir-seph, however, believed it was a horrible midtiest pair of blankets to be found throughout the whole gallery of garrets, (those for years past used by long-bearded old-clothesmen Jews,) with a wicked leer that would lull ail suspicion asleep in a man of a far less infiammable temperament, she literally envelopes him in vermin, and after a night of one of the plagues of Egypt, the Doctor rises in the morning, from top to bottom absolutely tattooed!

night assassin, with mustaches and a dagger. "The chattering of the crockery gave the alarm, and the attempt, after many attempts, was abandoned."

With all these fearful apprehensions in hig mind, Dr. Kitchiner must have been a man of great natural personal courage and intrepidity, to have slept even once in his whole lifetime from home. What dangers must we have passed, who used to plump in, without a thought of damp in the bed, or scamp below it-closet and chimney uninspected, door unbolted and unscrewed, exposed to rape, robbery, and murder! It is mortifying to think that we should be alive at this day. Nobody, male or female, thought it worth their while to rob, ravish, or murder us! There we lay, forgotten by the whole world-till the crowing of cocks, or the

The Doctor, of course, is one of those travellers who believe, that unless they use the most ingenious precautions, they will be uniformly robbed and murdered in inns. The villains steal upon you during the midnight hour, when all the world is asleep. They leave their shoes down stairs, and leopard-like, ascend with velvet, or-what is almost as noiseless-worsted steps, the wooden stairs. True, that your breeches are beneath your bolster-ringing of bells, or blundering Boots insistbut that trick of travellers has long been "as ing on it that we were a Manchester Bagman, notorious as the sun at noonday;" and although who had taken an inside in the Heavy at five, you are aware of your breeches, with all the broke our repose, and Sol laughing in at the ready money perhaps that you are worth in this unshuttered and uncurtained window showed world, eloping from beneath your parental eye, us the floor of our dormitory, not streaming you in vain try to cry out-for a long, broad, with a gore of blood. We really know not iron hand, with ever so many iron fingers, is whether to be most proud of having been the on your mouth; another, with still more nume- favourite child of Fortune, or the neglected rous digits, compresses your windpipe, while a brat of Fate. One only precaution did we ever low hoarse voice, in a whisper to which Sarah use to take against assassination, and all the Siddons's was empty air, on pain of instant other ills that flesh is heir to, sleep where one death enforces silence from a man unable for may, and that was to say inwardly a short ferhis life to utter a single word; and after pull-vent prayer, humbly thanking our Maker for ing off all the bed-clothes, and then clothing all the happiness-let us trust it was innocent you with curses, the ruffians, whose accent of the day; and humbly imploring his blessbetrays them to be Irishmen, inflict upon you divers wanton wounds with a blunt instrument, probably a crow-bar-swearing by Satan and all his saints, that if you stir an inch of your body before daybreak, they will instantly return, cut your throat, knock out your brains, sack you, and carry you off for sale to a surgeon. Therefore you must use pocket doorbolts, which are applicable to almost all sorts of doors, and on many occasions save the pro-rung through the house the cry of FIRE-FIREperty and life of the traveller. The corkscrew door-fastening the Doctor recommends as the simplest. This is screwed in between the door and the door-post, and unites them so firmly, that great power is required to force a door so fastened. They are as portable as common corkscrews, and their weight does not exceed an ounce and a half. The safety of your bed-room should always be carefully examined; and in case of bolts not being at hand, it will be useful to hinder entrance into the room by putting a table and a chair upon it against the door. Take a peep below the bed, and into the closets, and every place

ing on all the hopes of to-morrow. For, at the time we speak of we were young-and every morning, whatever the atmosphere might be, rose bright and beautiful with hopes that, far as the eyes of the soul could reach, glittered on earth's, and heaven's, and life's horizon!

But suppose that after all this trouble to get himself bolted and screwed into a paradisaical tabernacle of a dormitory, there had suddenly

FIRE! how was Dr. Kitchiner to get out? Tables, bureaus, benches, chairs, blocked up the only door-all laden with wash-hand basins and other utensils, the whole crockery shepherdesses of the chimney-piece, double-barrelled pistols with spring bayonets ready to shoot and stab, without distinction of persons, as their proprietor was madly seeking to escape the roaring flames! Both windows are iron-bound, with all their shutters, and over and above tightly fastened with "the corkscrew-fastening, the simplest that we have seen." The wind-board is in like manner, and by the same unhappy contrivance, firmly jammed into the

those who are, by the condition in which they are born, exempted from work, they are morc miserable than the rest of mankind, unless they daily and duly employ themselves in that VOLUNTARY LABOUR WHICH GOES BY THE NAME OF EXERCISE." Inflexible justice, however, forces us to say, that although the Doctor throws a fine philosophical light over the most general principles of walking, as they are involved in "that voluntary labour which goes by the name of exercise," yet he falls into fre quent and fatal error when he descends into the particulars of the practice of pedestrianism. Thus, he says that no person should sit down to a hearty meal immediately after any great

jaws of the chimney, so egress to the Doctor up the vent is wholly denied-no fire-engine in the town-but one under repair. There has not been a drop of rain for a month, and the river is not only distant but dry. The element is growling along the galleries like a lion, and the room is filling with something more deadly than back-smoke. A shrill voice is heard crying-"Number 5 will be burned alive! Number 5 will be burned alive! Is there n. ssibility of saving the life of Number 5?" The Doctor falls down before the barricado, and is stretched all his hapless length fainting on the floor. At last the door is burst open, and landlord, landlady, chambermaid, and boots-each in a different key-exertion, either of mind or body-that is, one from manly bass to childish treble, demand of Number 5 if he be a murderer or a madmanfor, gentle reader, it has been a-Dream.

your tepid water. There is no harm done if you should shave-then keep walking up and down the parlour rather impatiently, for such conduct is natural, and in all things act agreeably to nature-stir up the waiter with some original jest by way of stimulant, and to give the knave's face a well-pleased stare-and never doubting "that the energy which has been dispersed to the extremities" has had ample time to return to the stomach, in God's name fall to! and take care that the second course shall not appear till there is no vestige left of the first-a second course being looked on by the judicious moralist and pedestrian very much in the light in which the poet has made a celebrated character consider it

might say, after a few miles of Plinlimnon, or a few pages of the Principia. Let the man, quoth he, "who comes home fatigued by bodily We must hurry to a close, and shall per- exertion, especially if he feel heated by it, throw form the short remainder of our journey on his legs upon a chair, and remain quite tranfoot. The first volume of the Oracle concludes quil and composed, that the energy which has with "Observations on Pedestrians." Here been dispersed to the extremities may have we are at home-and could, we imagine, have time to return to the stomach, when it is regiven the Doctor a mile in the hour in a year- quired." To all this we say-Fudge! The match. The strength of man, we are given sooner you get hold of a leg of roasted mutton distinctly to understand by the Doctor, is "in the better; but meanwhile, off rapidly with a pot the ratio of the performance of the restorative of porter-then leisurely on with a clean shirt process, which is as the quantity and quality-wash your face and hands in gelid-none of of what he puts into his stomach, the energy of that organ, and the quantity of exercise he takes." This statement of the strength of man may be unexceptionably true, and most philosophical to those who are up to it—but to us it resembles a definition we have heard of thunder, "the conjection of the sulphur congeals the matter." It appears to us that a strong stomach is not the sole constituent of a strong man-but that it is not much amiss to be provided with a strong back, a strong breast, strong thighs, strong legs, and strong feet. With a strong stomach alone-yea, even the stomach of a horse-a man will make but a sorry Pedestrian. The Doctor, however, speedily redeems himself by saying admirably well," that nutrition does not depend more on the state of the stomach, or of what we put into it, than it does on the stimulus given to the system by exercise, which alone can produce that perfect circulation of the blood which is required to throw off superfluous secretions, and give the absorbents an appetite to suck up fresh materials. This requires the action of every petty artery, and of the minutest ramifications of every nerve and fibre in our body." Thus, he remarks, a little further on, by way of illustration, that a man suffering under a fit of the vapours, after half an hour's brisk ambulation, will often find that he has walked it off, and that the action of the body has exonerated the mind." The Doctor warms as he walks-and is very near leaping over the fence of Political Economy. "Providence, he remarks, furnishes materials, but expects that we should work them up for ourselves. The earth must be laboured before it gives its increase, and when t is forced to produce its several products, how many hands must they pass through before they are fit for use! Manufactures, trade, ad agriculture, naturally employ more than Janeteen persons out of twenty, and as for

"Nor fame I slight-nor for her favours callShe comes unlook'd for-if she comes at all." To prove how astonishingly our strength may be diminished by indolence, the Doctor tells us, that meeting a gentleman who had lately returned from India, to his inquiry after his health he replied, "Why, better-better, thank ye-I think I begin to feel some symp. toms of the return of a little English energy. Do you know that the day before yesterday I was in such high spirits, and felt so strong, I actually put on one of my stockings myself?"

The Doctor then asserts, that it "has been repeatedly proved that a man can travel further for a week or a month than a horse." On reading this sentence to Will Whipcord "Yes, sir," replied that renowned Professor of the Newmarket Philosophy, "that's all right, sir -a man can beat a horse!"

Now, Will Whipcord may be right in his opinion, and a man may beat a horse. But it never has been tried: There is no match of pedestrianism on record between a first-rate man and a first-rate horse; and as soon as there is, we shall lay our money on the horse

only mind, the horse carries no weight, and