Neverout. Well, I did a very foolish thing yesterday, and was a great puppy for my pains.

Miss. Very likely; for they say, many a true word's spoken in jest.

Footman returns.

?

Lady Smart. Well, did you deliver your message you are fit to be sent for sorrow, you stay so long by the

way.

Footman. Madam, my lady was not at home, so I did not leave the message.

Lady Smart. This it is to send a fool of an errand. Ld. Sparkish. [Looking at his watch.] 'Tis past twelve o'clock.

Lady Smart. Well, what is that among all us? Ld. Sparkish. Madam, I must take my leave: come, gentlemen, are you for a march?

Lady Smart. Well, but your lordship and the colonel will dine with us to-day; and, Mr Neverout, I hope we shall have your good company; there will be no soul else, beside my own lord and these ladies; for everybody knows I hate a crowd; I would rather want vittles than elbow-room; we dine punctually at three.

Ld. Sparkish. Madam, we'll be sure to attend your ladyship.

Col. Madam, my stomach serves me instead of a clock.

Another footman comes back.

Lady Smart. O! you are the t'other fellow I sent; well, have you been with my Lady Club? you are good to send of a dead man's errand.

Footman. Madam, my Lady Club begs your ladyship's pardon; but she is engaged to-night.

Neverout. Choose, proud fool; I did but ask you.

Miss puts her hand upon her knee.

Neverout. What, miss, are you thinking of your sweetheart? is your garter slipping down?

Miss. Pray, Mr Neverout, keep your breath to cool your porridge; you measure my corn by your bushel. Neverout. Indeed, miss, you lie

Miss. Did you ever hear anything so rude? Neverout. I mean, you lie-under a mistake. Miss. If a thousand lies could choke you, you would have been choked many a day ago.

Miss strives to snatch Mr Neverout's snuff-box. Neverout. Madam, you missed that, as you missed your mother's blessing.

She tries again, and misses.

Neverout. Snap short makes you look so lean, miss. Miss. Poh! you are so robustious, you had like to put out my eye; I assure you, if you blind me, you must lead me.

Lady Smart. Dear miss, be quiet; and bring me a pin-cushion out of that closet.

Miss opens the closet-door, and squalls.

Lady Smart. Lord bless the girl! what's the matter

now?

Miss. I vow, madam, I saw something in black; I thought it was a spirit.

Col. Why, miss, did you ever see a spirit?

Miss. No, sir; I thank God I never say anything worse than myself.

Neverout. Well, I did a very foolish thing yesterday, and was a great puppy for my pains.

Miss. Very likely; for they say, many a true word's spoken in jest.

Footman returns.

?

Lady Smart. Well, did you deliver your message you are fit to be sent for sorrow, you stay so long by the

way.

Footman. Madam, my lady was not at home, so I did not leave the message.

Lady Smart. This it is to send a fool of an errand. Ld. Sparkish. [Looking at his watch.] 'Tis past twelve o'clock.

Lady Smart. Well, what is that among all us? Ld. Sparkish. Madam, I must take my leave: come, gentlemen, are you for a march?

Lady Smart. Well, but your lordship and the colonel will dine with us to-day; and, Mr Neverout, I hope we shall have your good company; there will be no soul else, beside my own lord and these ladies; for everybody knows I hate a crowd; I would rather want vittles than elbow-room; we dine punctually at three.

Ld. Sparkish. Madam, we'll be sure to attend your ladyship.

Col. Madam, my stomach serves me instead of a clock.

Another footman comes back.

Lady Smart. O! you are the t'other fellow I sent; well, have you been with my Lady Club? you are good to send of a dead man's errand.

Footman. Madam, my Lady Club begs your ladyship's pardon; but she is engaged to-night.

Neverout. I wish I may never hear worse news. Miss. What! Mr. Neverout, you are in great haste; I believe your belly thinks your throat is cut.

Neverout. No, faith, miss; three meals a-day, and a good supper at night, will serve my turn.

Miss. To say the truth, I'm hungry.

Neverout. And I'm angry; so let us both go fight.

They go in to dinner, and, after the usual compliments, take their seats.

Lady Smart. Ladies and gentlemen, will

any oysters before dinner?

Col. With all my heart.

you eat

[Takes an oyster.] He was a bold man that first eat an oyster.

Lady Smart. They say oysters are a cruel meat, because we eat them alive: then they are an uncharitable meat, for we leave nothing to the poor; and they are an ungodly meat, because we never say grace.

Neverout. Faith, that's as well said as if I had said it myself.

Lady Smart. Well, we are well set if we be but as well served: come, colonel, handle your arms; shall I help you to some beef?

Col. If your ladyship please; and pray, don't cut like a mother-in-law, but send me a large slice: for I love to lay a good foundation. I vow, 'tis a noble sirloin.

Neverout. Ay; here's cut and come again.

Miss. But pray, why is it call'd a sirloin?

Ld. Smart. Why you must know, that our King James the First, who loved good eating, being invited to dinner by one of his nobles, and seeing a large loin

should ever do any harm. [To Neverout.] Why, Tom, you are high in the mode.

Neverout. My lord, it is better to be out of the world than out of the fashion.

Ld. Smart. But, Tom, I hear you and miss are always quarrelling: I fear it is your fault; for I can assure you she is very good humour'd.

Neverout. Ay, my lord; so is the devil when he's pleased.

Ld. Smart. Miss, what do you think of my friend Tom?

Miss. My lord, I think he's not the wisest man in the world; and truly he's sometimes very rude.

Ld. Sparkish. That may be true; but yet, he that hangs Tom for a fool, may find a knave in the halter. Miss. Well, however, I wish he were hanged, if it were only to try.

Neverout. Well, miss, if I must be hanged, I won't go far to choose my gallows; it shall be about your fair neck.

Miss. I'll see your nose cheese first, and the dogs eating it; but, my lord, Mr Neverout's wit begins to run low; for, I vow, he said this before; pray, colonel, give him a pinch, and I'll do as much for you.

Ld. Sparkish. My Lady Smart, your ladyship has a very fine scarf.

Lady Smart. Yes, my lord; it will make a flaming figure in a country church.

Footman comes in.

Footman. Madam, dinner's upon the table. Col. Faith, I am glad of it; my belly began to cry cupboard.