IT T was New Year's Eve once again; the clock in Mr. PUNCH's sanctum was fast "ticking out the little life" of the Year of Grace One Thousand Eight Hundred and Ninety-Six. Big Ben was within measurable distance of announcing, in his sonorous, superhuman-toast-master fashion, the advent of 'Ninety-Seven,-as who should shout over the silent city roofs and towers, "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, pray silence for your noble guest, the New Year!"-Mr. PUNCH, alone, save for his inseparable TOBY, was loyally engaged in concocting a steaming bumper in which to drink the health of that coming guest, associating it with the honoured name of his well-beloved Sovereign Lady Queen VICTORIA, whose counterfeit presentment, in the sixtieth year of her glorious reign, stood in the place of honour before him. 66 Sixty years!" mused England's Mentor. "And what years! Her Gracious Majesty eclipses all predecessors, cuts all records, distances all competitors on-not the cinder-path, but that truly royal road, the path of glory!!" sounded a high, if rather harsh-toned voice at PUNCH's elbow. Mr. PUNCH bowed gracefully to the high-nosed, stiffstomachered, plenteously be-ruffed Tudor Titaness, whom he thus bespoke : "Your own unofficial but immortal Laureate, the divine WILLIAM, could hardly have beaten our own ALFRED the Great TENNYSON, bien entendu !-in prettily turning a patriotic sentiment. Nor could The spacious times of great ELIZABETH surpass in splendour and marvel the astonishing era of Her who doth indeed -hold A nobler office upon earth Than arms, or power of brain, or birth, "He is right, BESS!" said a smaller but solid and homely-stately figure at the Tudor's side. "Her record beats even ours, as haughty SARAH herself would perforce admit, her mighty MARLBOROUGH notwithstanding. Do you know me, Mr. PUNCH?" "Thou, great ANNA,' as one poet called thee, art fitting companion for the great ELIZABETH' of another," quoted Mr. PUNCH, politely and pertinently. "Mnemonic miracle!" murmured the Virgin Queen. "Gallant as LEICESTER, courteous as RALEIGH, sage as CECIL! Beshrew me, 'tis verily no wonder our Cousin VICTORIA hath, in her sixty years of sway, surpassed mine in power and ANNA's in splendour, since she hath had you as her contemporary and counsellor!' "The year 1896-7," said Mr. PUNCH, "must be more of an annus mirabilis than even that Year of Wonders, 1666,' so thrasonically glorified by Glorious JOHN,' though then DRYDEN hyperbolically declared that 6 -all was Britain the wide ocean saw." "Time hath favoured the third of England's triad of great Queens," said ELIZABETH. "Sixty years! I was allotted but forty-five, and ANNA here only a poor twelve. The Third HENRY merely touched fifty-six, and even the Third GEORGE, with his bare sixty, fell short-how far is on the knees of the gods'-of your happy VICTORIA, of whom, as her great Laureate aptly said A thousand claims to reverence closed In her as Mother, Wife, and Queen. I was never the two former, alas!" sighed the Valorous Virgin of the West, pensively; "but," drawing herself stiffly up, "by the splendour of heaven, I was the latter!" "Who deniges of it, BETSY '-I mean BESS?" said Mr. PUNCH, slily. The haughty Tudor bridled, scowled, muttered something about traitors and the Tower, and seemed about to explode upon Mr. PUNCH as though he were a mere recalcitrant LEICESTER, when "Great ANNA" whispered something in her royal ear, and that verjuicy virginal face broke up into a genial smile. 6 "ANNA bids me ask you What the Dickens you mean?" she chuckled. "Whatever my demerits, Mr. PUNCH, you can hardly call me a Prig! Yet, for the sake of the Season, and its great celebrator CHARLES-another glory of the Victorian Era-I'll forgive you." The two Queens gazed admiringly at Mr. PUNCH's presentment of the Third, still happily reigning. "She hath no SHAKSPEARE to illume her stage, and render eternally illustrious her annals," murmured the Tudor, turning tenderly the leaves of a Book of Plays in her royal haud. "Nor hath she been called AUGUSTA '-as I was," said ANNA, caressing her Spectator affectionately. "No!" admitted their host, cheerfully. "But our well-beloved liege Lady hath had that which neither of you was blessed with, which SHAKSPEARE would have extolled and ADDISON admired." "Beshrew me, what may that be?" cried the startled Virgin Queen. quoted pointedly. "On their own merits modest men are dumb," he "Marry come up! what meaneth the man?" began Queen BESS, when ANNA again whispered in her ear, and again her somewhat shrewish features relaxed into a smile. 6 "I suppose you are right, now as always, Mr. PUNCH," she replied. "But, O great Victorian Sage and Scientist, Patriot and Pictor, Champion and Councillor, Pundit, Poet and Wit, have you not a homely proverb to the effect that the proof of the pudding is in the eating'?" "Precisely!" responded Mr. PUNCH, with electric promptitude. "And that is why, to save time, to spare me uncongenial self-assertion, to illustrate to you the matchless glories and graces of our VICTORIA's Sixty Years' Record, to make you love and admire your sister Queen as much-if possible-as I and all my countrymen do; and, finally, to give you both a good time when you get back to the Shades, and tire occasionally even of days and nights spent with SHAKSPEARE and ADDISON,-I hand you, as the neatest of New Year's Gifts, my One Hundred and Eleventh Volume!” PRO BONO PUBLICO. (Page from the purely Imaginary Diary of a Noble Licensed Victualler.) Must be ready to receive my guests at the door of my hostelrie. No reason why I should not have an arm-chair. Got one with plenty of cushions. Made myself additionally comfortable by resting my feet on a foot-stool. Now prepared for all emergencies. Ah, here come a party of tourists. Take off my hat and wave my hand. Fortunately no ladies, so need not get up. Feel every inch a landlord, but, after all, rather hate superfluous exertion. "Have I got any rooms?" Why, to be sure I have. Must ask one of my waiters. They are all good fellows. Sure to know all about it. Call for Pat. One of my fellows must be called Pat. "Pat," national name. My guest rather unreasonable. Wants to know "why I don't get up and take his carpet bag. Of course would be only too pleased, but it looks rather a heavy one, and some other fellow could take it just as well as I could. Most likely better. Dare say I could drag about a heavy portmanteau; but don't know. In point of fact have never tried. Why don't I look sharp?" appear to be inactive. True I generally sit with my hands in my pockets, with my hat tipped over my eyes. But why not? rest to the body. And if body is not being bothered, best Perfectly simple and easy attitude. Calculated to give fullest chance for the mind. Intellect can be uncommonly energetic if body has nothing to complain of. Ah, here is Pat. He retires with the tourists. There! Now, if I hadn't taken the hotel into my own hands, what would have become of them? * * * * Suppose I must have been asleep. Hallo! Here come the tourists. Hope they won't bother me any more. "They want a looking-glass, and curtains to the window." Why, of course. Let them have them, by all means. They say, "That its all very well to put them off like that, but if I am the landlord of the hotel I ought to behave as such." Argue with them. What's the use of a row. If they will ask Pat or some other fellow they shall have anything they please. Such nonsense. Only don't bother me. They say "they have asked Pat to get them the looking-glass and the curtains; but he knows nothing about them, and referred them to me." However, Fancy Pat must be rather scanty of resource. "Tourists had better order suppose I must come to the rescue. looking-glass and curtains from some local universal provider." Probably some O'Whiteley in the neighbourhood. By all means have what they please; but why bother me? Thank goodness! They have gone. Enjoy the scenery once more. Very fine. Close my eyes. Awakened with a start. What's the matter now? Same tourists. They say that "the steak is underdone." Well, why shouldn't it be? Some people like steaks underdone. They say "they don't." Well, I can't help that. Better go and have dinner somewhere else. Know a first-rate hotel where I frequently feed myself. Give the address and they are off. Capital! Shows how much better it is to take things into one's own hands. Going to sleep again, when Pat informs me that my guests have gone off with their luggage. Capital! No one in my inn! Further need of waiting in the Now I really think that isn't complimentary. Implies that I hall unnecessary. So shall return to the House of Lords. |